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Midnightbear, its now 5 months since my Helen left my side.  Like your dear wife Helen also had cancer and almost 2 years to the day of diagnosis she went but the end also came so quick.  I am so so sorry for your loss and really appreciate what you must be going through.  I wish I could tell you it gets easier but for me it has not.  I posted something the other day:

"Its official I just hate hate hate hate this life without my Helen.  Cancer snatched Helen from me 30th June and I thought I was doing OK, but every day is getting so more wearisome.  I go out, I talk to people, I talk to my 2 sons and I have a laugh and a joke but in those lonesome days and late at night, like now, I just miss her so much. I want her back but know that can't happen, but it dos'nt stop me wanting."

I have been fortunate that I have not had any friends talk about "moving on", because I do believe that would be last of that friendship - any friend knew what Helen and I had and I am not looking for anyone to take Helens' place. I am not foolish enough to think that loneliness may not/will not become a huge burden in the future but that's for the future. As Ibelieve said it is one day at a time, but those days do grow long.  I do think that it helps to put your thoughts and burdens on paper, for me it gets that worm out of head.  The next few weeks are going to be hard, just trust your family and friends to help you though it.  Ray

Oh my goodness IBelieveInYou, I just was reading something very similar to what your brother said. I read that there was the relationship between my husband and I and he with me, and the third relationship was what was created between us. It came in the way of a diagram that my counselor shared with me. It was for me, an OMG moment. I sobbed with her.

Thanks for posting that here.

MidnightBear, it's sad to meet you here. Just visit to post or just read when you want to. What a sweet nick name Teddy is.

I'm almost at the 3-month point and I hate it. Even though I see a few daily minutes of relief in the last couple of weeks, I absolutely hate my life. I don't want a "new normal" - the term so many grief groups use. It makes my skin crawl. There is nothing about the term that I like - new indicates to me my past is gone and it is NOT, it's just all in my heart and head; normal, well, I cannot see to find any normal. We were married 47 years, I took him to the hospital for a routine surgery and he came home only to go back in and die there in just 4 weeks. The entire time we prayed, we pushed the doctors midway. But unlike 2 open heart surgeries over the years, this time the second hip surgery proved fatal.There are so many trigger phrases including today at church, the pastor using Romans 8:28 - "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord." I left and sobbed in my car. I have no idea where the good is to be found in this at this time. 

There are so many trigger phrases including today at church, the pastor referring to Romans 8:28 - "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord." I left and sobbed in my car. I have no idea where the good is to be found in this at this time. My faith is shattered. My life is in pieces. 

Most of the time I feel I am in quicksand trying to get to a sandy place. I cannot fathom a solid ground from here. Although I know many do get there. 

I'm learning I have to do this my own way. I have to find my way inside the grief to hold on to the love I have for Marty. It's likely all we each can do, find our own way. And come here for support and the understanding that anyone who hasn't experienced the excruciating pain, will likely never be able to relate. I also have a grief counselor and 2 local in-person small grief groups, a loving two sisters and son. 

Sorry you are here although you will find no truer support.


I totally agree with you.  I have heard that verse quoted so many times and like you I can not find the peace and comfort that verse is supposed to give.  My wife died January 20th here at home after we had repeatedly been told by the doctors that she was going to be alright.  If I could find any positive from her dying then maybe I could do better but so far that has not come.


Hello All,

Just a quick hello and short intro. Lost my hubby at roughly 3 months ago, no time for goodbye so I'm struggling with all the things I wished I had said, regrets they are plenty... I have 3 kiddos, great kids ( they make me look good) and they are all still at home ( 18,20 & 23). I'll be eternally thankful to hubs for giving me these precious souls and that he helped raised such awesome young people. I'm South African and we have been in the US for nearly 8 years now, so having no family around makes it hard. People reach out, but truthfully I don't really know what to say to them ( not much of a talker). In any event when the urge to purge arrives unannounced, there is nobody around. I do not cry in front of my kids, so my time is in the car travelling to and from work. Don't know about any of you, but music is 'hard' to listen to ( I especially love to hate Pink's new song "What about us!"). It looks like this is a great group and I look forward to making some connections and hopefully help someone else out... Have a super special thanksgiving and remember to smile be kind and love those around you. 

Sasha hello. How long were you married? For sure you have blessings with such a young family. My husband died Aug 28, 3 days after his 68th birthday, unexpectedly after 28 days in the hospital with complications from a routine hip surgery. I can't say I've had any good days. So far I can remember 2 days where I had at least an hour total, of total peace. And since I succumbed to getting a non-addicting anti-depressant to help me sleep just 2 weeks ago, I am beginning to sleep at night without sobbing.

Smile and love those around us, very beautiful words.

Married for just shy of 25 years, more than half my life... I'm sorry to hear you've had few good days (need an emoji here). Sounds like you were very much in love. Just remember the love is what matters. My motto, fake it until you make it! 

It's good that you sleep well now, for me it was strange as hubby passed away during the night of 25 August ( worst was that I did not have any inclination) but my bed and bedroom is strangely I sleep pretty okay "drug free" bummer LOL.

I'm remembering the love indeed that's in part why I refuse to take on the phrase - new normal.  I bristle at it, hate it, want nothing to do with it. New implies for me, leave what is past you behind you. We were together for 72% of my life. We were kids at 21 when we married. He just turned 68 when he died. I am holding on to all memories - the ups and the downs. Slowly strengthening the good ones and letting the bad ones go. I'm so blessed that HIS passion for life showed ME so many wonders in boating, planes, classic cars, exotic cars and the list is like 20 some hobbies or interests in had that we enjoyed, even loved, together. 

I’ve now shared with my in-person grief groups my motto/phrase/mindset, the one I think I can wear going forward. It’s Next Season. I'm finding my Next Season. Seasons change and we know another one is coming, next. Personally, I like all seasons the same, for different reasons. I’m working to stay in faith with God, mostly he’s pulling me in closer to Him, to find joy this Next Season. The pain I trust may never go away, not even in years. However, I am confident some of it will ease up, and in that opening, there will be comfort. Room to breathe.

Happy Thanksgiving Sasha.

Welcome to the club we all wish we could say we weren't a part of.  I am also still rather new at this, less than 2 weeks, but I will say I definitely agree with you on listening to music being a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.  I usually walk a mile to work from the train station and listen to music on the walk, but I had to change to listening to an audio book because much of them music on my phone was really my wife's.  I think the important thing to think about is to ask for help when you need it, and share as you need to.  We all have our own way of dealing with grief.  

It is definitely good that you have family and children around you to help you through this time.  Take comfort in them. But also take time for yourself. 

Thank you for the sweet welcome.

I am Sosammy. My husband died 1 month ago. He had a heart attack while we were playing ball. he spent 2 days in ICU, but his brain went too long without oxygen. I had to make the decision to stop the medication that was keeping his heart going. He was only 63 and had never had any health problems before. This is the hardest journey. The profound loneliness even in a room full of people is horrible. Somedays I think I keep so busy so that the memories don't have a chance to catch me, but they always do. Today is Thanksgiving and I tried to focus on all the wonderful blessings we had but I cried all the way home. 

Sosammy I am so sorry. I wish we didn’t have to meet here. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly just 3 days after his 68th birthday. He went in for routine hip surgery, was rehabbing at home for 2 weeks then I called 911 when he couldn’t breathe. It was a roller coaster in the hospital as we we planning his return.

This is excruciatingly painfully. My busyness is in handling all the business matters which can also be exasperating.

My first Thanksgiving today without Marty was 50/50. Better part of the day spent with friends was neutral- no pain and laid back- but the hour drive home broke me.

You’ll find wonderful compassion here. I’m learning to go slower, let my feelings out and sometimes just take it hour by hour. I also joined to local grief groups for weekly support. I also have a counselor. And I have a PenPal here. My family lives far from me but we talk every day. That all helps. You’re in a loving place.


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