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H2017, Oh! how I feel for what you are going through. My Helen passed away 30th June also snatched away by Stage 4 breast cancer and Helen went through most of the same things as your dear wife.  I did get an extra year with Helen she was diagnosed May 2015, but the end came very quickly, really brought on by sepsis. We had hospice at home but it was only 3 days she went that quickly.  We are a bit older than you 72 and 67 and we would have been married 48 years on the 8th November, but age doesn't spare you in grief.  I just want my Helen back, I know it can't happen but it does not stop me wanting. H2017, please do not apologize for letting out your thoughts I have found it is better to do that than have that worm wriggling around in your brain. I try to stay positive but the days are just wearisome at present.  Like you thank god for good family and friends, but when you close that door its just another world.  Ray  

H2017 - So, so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in February 2017 quite suddenly - complications after getting hit by a distracted driver right in our neighborhood while walking our new rescue dog. He was also 51, and we were married 30 years. I don't know what is worse - sudden death or the slow death that cancer can initiate. I am 10 months in, and I can honestly say that I feel as though I am turning a corner somewhat. As mentioned by others, you learn to live with it. It is a whole shift of focus - be kind to yourself. If I dwell on my grief, I can go to some dark places, but I am trying to maintain a positive attitude and live the life the way I know my husband would want of me. I also have two older kids - 26 and 28. One lives near me and one across the country. We all have had our struggles this past year, but we are doing okay under the circumstances. It's hard and it sucks, and I too mourn what would have been (retirement, travel, etc.). You are in a good place by coming here. Much love and support. I also attend a widow group every two weeks, and that has been so very helpful also - talking to others face to face. 

Dear H2017

I'm so sorry for the pain of losing your wife.  My husband of 20 years died in May, 2011 from kidney cancer.  He'd never been sick - not even the flu - our entire married lives.  Here I am 6.5 years later and of course, I still miss him.  But I am so much better than I was even 2 years ago.  Time definitely does make a difference - and community such as this helps.  Please keep reaching out to the folks here - it does help.  I attended Camp Widow 4 different times and it was great to be with people who get it.  Find a grief counselor and do the best you can - be kind to yourself.  It's a very long and painful process, I won't lie to you.  But there is the possibility of joy in your future.  I promise you.  

Juls,

I am approaching 2 years and have attended Camp Widow twice.  You are 6.5 years? It is helpful for me to know others who are further out than I.  I am still very much grieving, daily.  It is a very long and painful process.  @H2017..you have found people who understand and will listen to you without judgment.  I am so sorry you have to be here at all. 

Mrs. M.

I lost my wife of 36 years 5 years ago.  We fought multiple myeloma for 6 years, winning a few battles, but losing the war. It surprised me that some of my cherished memories were things that happened at the hospital. (MD Anderson - Houston) The times we found a good spot in the sun to battle the constant chill of a hospital, the pronouncements from her doctors that her "numbers" were looking better, the making of new friends that really understood what we were going through. She died October 29, 2012. The Holiday Season will never be the same. I still see something in a store, and immediately think "Oh, Sue would love this" before I catch myself. I just now gave some of her clothes to Goodwill. This group of people that understands what real grief feels like has helped me in many ways. You learn to forgive friends that just don't  know what to say, or how to react to you after such a huge loss. I had one casual friend that sat with me for an hour and let me talk about Sue. She didn't just say "it just takes time or you should start dating again" and move on. This group got me to a spot where I could go to a therapist for help.  I am a survivor of Hurricane Harvey, and lost my home, furniture, appliances, 2 cars - essentially everything. Most of it uninsured, and the amount FEMA gives for rebuilding your life is ridiculous. At 71, I didn't think I'd have to start over again. On one hand I am thankful Sue didn't have to go through this, but on the other hand, I need a hug, and a "We'll get through this" from her so much. Hugs are so important - I never realized how much until 5 years ago. Keep reading and posting here - it helps to know that others understand the pain, and have made it through the grief. Never be ashamed of a good cry, sometimes it comes on like a huge wave, and other times it creeps up on you, a song, a scene in a movie. I can't watch a scene showing them calling a "code" in a hospital. It really sucks in real life. At 5 years, I don't think the pain ever goes away, it just gets manageable so you can move through your life.

Pat Brady

 I just spent about an hour going through cards and crying for about an hour..  Christmas cards, birthday cards from my husband , Mother and other family members I have lost along the way.  I agree about needing a hug.  However, some how I can't not even imagine holding some else's  hand let alone more intimate moments.  I feel the same about songs, a scene in a movie so many memories you can't erase and I don't want to erase anyway.  That was my life!!  

Dear Pat, I too lost my hubby to cancer.  That rollercoaster ride was the worst thing I've ever endured.  Watch your loved one slowly die and praying for a miracle every day, spending so much time in the hospital and cancer center and meeting new friends there that now have also passed.  Its been 18 months for me and the pain doesn't go away you are right, and although it is a little better it still hurts everyday.  You are right, Christmas will never be the same.  This site has helped me in many ways, but I miss the laughter, hugs and just having someone to talk with so desperately.  I  hope you continue to heal (I hope we all do), and that life gets a little better for us all.  Merry Christmas.  Sandi Whitehouse

Pat,

I just read what you had to say and felt I just needed to respond.  I lost my wife on January 20, 2017.  While I am quite behind you in time I can fully relate to much of which you had to say.  My wife and I met a little later in life and we were married for just less than 20 years.  She died at the young age of 64.  She had an infection near her colon which went undetected too long and was allowed to spread in her blood system.  All the time the doctors are assuring us that all is going to be alright.  Once it had spread it resulted in her blood pressure being dropped so low that it ultimately stopped her heart.  I called 911 and they responded and were able to get her heart restarted but unfortunately the damage had already been done.  She was transported to the hospital.  First she went through the emergency room and then to ICU.  She was hooked to 3 IV's to attempt to raise her blood pressure and was on a respirator running wide open all night but by 9AM the next morning her heart had stopped for the second time at which time I told them to stop all efforts to do anything more.  Today was her birthday, so today I have gone through that.  My biggest problem is I have had a small gathering of support.  The vast amount of support that I have received has come through this group and a friend I developed while going through a local Grief Share group.  Just as with you I feel this is something that I will never overcome.  I have heard all of the stupid comments that anyone would ever want to hear.  Many friends walked away from me during the 2nd through the 4th month as they could understand why I hadn't gotten over this already.  Were it not for the support of these two groups it would have been very hard to have even reached the point where I am now. 

Larry

Hi, I am SherylS. My husband Tom passed away in October. I joined a grief support group through Hospice within 2 weeks. Oh, my what a great encouragement! Tom, we found out, had stomach cancer. It was such a shock because he had literally never had a sick day, except a cold. He was 65. We thought we had months, but it was actually only a few weeks. I am thankful, however, he didn't suffer. HIs kidneys failed at the end. They say it is a peaceful way to go. He was uncomfortable, but not terribly in pain.

God has watched over me in so many ways. I have great friends! I don't have family nearby. One friend calls me every single day. So thankful for her.

I knew losing a spouse was a terrible loss, but oh! I was physically hurting for at least 2 weeks, and sleeping rarely. It was awful, besides the emotional turmoil. I could always go to Tom for a hug, but now it seemed I had no one. I just longed for someone to actually hold me while I sobbed, but I realize no one could replace his hugs. 

Tom and I did everything together, as much as it hurts, maybe too much. I made my life around his, and he, mine. We had so much fun! Traveling and camping. I always said we never had any bad memories, and I don't think we did. I will miss him forever!

Hugs to you all!

SherylS

Hello, I am a new widow.  My husband, Scott passed away 11/25/17 after a 20-day battle with pancreatic cancer.  Except we weren't told it was pancreatic cancer until one week before.  He was scheduled to start chemo 2 days after he passed, so we didn't even get to start the fight.  Maybe it's a good thing that it was quick.  He had absolutely no signs of illness until the day I rushed him to the emergency room with intense abdominal pain and shortness of breath while we were out raking leaves.  We were together 20 years, married 5 1/2 years...no kids.  I'm only 50 and terrified of what the future will hold.  

I'm already seeing a grief counselor and have gone back to work.  I'm finding it hard to be home, surrounded by Scott...and the deafening silence around me.  

My heart goes out to everyone here.  

Hello Denverkim, You are in a good place here. We've all experienced a terrible grief and I've found it to be very helpful to post and read. You are early in the experience. If you are experiencing a fog in your mind, I encourage you to let it be. Several of us have found it to be a protective cover. Right now take care of yourself. You may need to ask  your support system for the kind of help that you think you need. You are in my thoughts today.  

Thank you IBelieveInYou.  I feel less alone already.  

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