I lost my wife of 36 years 5 years ago. We fought multiple myeloma for 6 years, winning a few battles, but losing the war. It surprised me that some of my cherished memories were things that happened at the hospital. (MD Anderson - Houston) The times we found a good spot in the sun to battle the constant chill of a hospital, the pronouncements from her doctors that her "numbers" were looking better, the making of new friends that really understood what we were going through. She died October 29, 2012. The Holiday Season will never be the same. I still see something in a store, and immediately think "Oh, Sue would love this" before I catch myself. I just now gave some of her clothes to Goodwill. This group of people that understands what real grief feels like has helped me in many ways. You learn to forgive friends that just don't know what to say, or how to react to you after such a huge loss. I had one casual friend that sat with me for an hour and let me talk about Sue. She didn't just say "it just takes time or you should start dating again" and move on. This group got me to a spot where I could go to a therapist for help. I am a survivor of Hurricane Harvey, and lost my home, furniture, appliances, 2 cars - essentially everything. Most of it uninsured, and the amount FEMA gives for rebuilding your life is ridiculous. At 71, I didn't think I'd have to start over again. On one hand I am thankful Sue didn't have to go through this, but on the other hand, I need a hug, and a "We'll get through this" from her so much. Hugs are so important - I never realized how much until 5 years ago. Keep reading and posting here - it helps to know that others understand the pain, and have made it through the grief. Never be ashamed of a good cry, sometimes it comes on like a huge wave, and other times it creeps up on you, a song, a scene in a movie. I can't watch a scene showing them calling a "code" in a hospital. It really sucks in real life. At 5 years, I don't think the pain ever goes away, it just gets manageable so you can move through your life.
Pat, so much of your story echos mine that hearing you describe your feelings was a little painful. By this I mean that it did bring back the hurt but also made me hurt to be reminded that others are feeling it too. I can't imagine dealing with starting over after losing virtually everything. I thought it was bad enough trying to start over after my wife died. That feeling of just needing a hug has really got to me over the past week. I'm almost at the point of not caring if it came from a virtual stranger...lol. I read once that without human contact, we risk withering away and dying. I can really see how it could happen when we have had that other person to put their arms around us and tell us that everything will be okay.
I just spent about an hour going through cards and crying for about an hour.. Christmas cards, birthday cards from my husband , Mother and other family members I have lost along the way. I agree about needing a hug. However, some how I can't not even imagine holding some else's hand let alone more intimate moments. I feel the same about songs, a scene in a movie so many memories you can't erase and I don't want to erase anyway. That was my life!!
Dear Pat, I too lost my hubby to cancer. That rollercoaster ride was the worst thing I've ever endured. Watch your loved one slowly die and praying for a miracle every day, spending so much time in the hospital and cancer center and meeting new friends there that now have also passed. Its been 18 months for me and the pain doesn't go away you are right, and although it is a little better it still hurts everyday. You are right, Christmas will never be the same. This site has helped me in many ways, but I miss the laughter, hugs and just having someone to talk with so desperately. I hope you continue to heal (I hope we all do), and that life gets a little better for us all. Merry Christmas. Sandi Whitehouse
I just read what you had to say and felt I just needed to respond. I lost my wife on January 20, 2017. While I am quite behind you in time I can fully relate to much of which you had to say. My wife and I met a little later in life and we were married for just less than 20 years. She died at the young age of 64. She had an infection near her colon which went undetected too long and was allowed to spread in her blood system. All the time the doctors are assuring us that all is going to be alright. Once it had spread it resulted in her blood pressure being dropped so low that it ultimately stopped her heart. I called 911 and they responded and were able to get her heart restarted but unfortunately the damage had already been done. She was transported to the hospital. First she went through the emergency room and then to ICU. She was hooked to 3 IV's to attempt to raise her blood pressure and was on a respirator running wide open all night but by 9AM the next morning her heart had stopped for the second time at which time I told them to stop all efforts to do anything more. Today was her birthday, so today I have gone through that. My biggest problem is I have had a small gathering of support. The vast amount of support that I have received has come through this group and a friend I developed while going through a local Grief Share group. Just as with you I feel this is something that I will never overcome. I have heard all of the stupid comments that anyone would ever want to hear. Many friends walked away from me during the 2nd through the 4th month as they could understand why I hadn't gotten over this already. Were it not for the support of these two groups it would have been very hard to have even reached the point where I am now.
Hi, I am SherylS. My husband Tom passed away in October. I joined a grief support group through Hospice within 2 weeks. Oh, my what a great encouragement! Tom, we found out, had stomach cancer. It was such a shock because he had literally never had a sick day, except a cold. He was 65. We thought we had months, but it was actually only a few weeks. I am thankful, however, he didn't suffer. HIs kidneys failed at the end. They say it is a peaceful way to go. He was uncomfortable, but not terribly in pain.
God has watched over me in so many ways. I have great friends! I don't have family nearby. One friend calls me every single day. So thankful for her.
I knew losing a spouse was a terrible loss, but oh! I was physically hurting for at least 2 weeks, and sleeping rarely. It was awful, besides the emotional turmoil. I could always go to Tom for a hug, but now it seemed I had no one. I just longed for someone to actually hold me while I sobbed, but I realize no one could replace his hugs.
Tom and I did everything together, as much as it hurts, maybe too much. I made my life around his, and he, mine. We had so much fun! Traveling and camping. I always said we never had any bad memories, and I don't think we did. I will miss him forever!
Hugs to you all!
Hello, I am a new widow. My husband, Scott passed away 11/25/17 after a 20-day battle with pancreatic cancer. Except we weren't told it was pancreatic cancer until one week before. He was scheduled to start chemo 2 days after he passed, so we didn't even get to start the fight. Maybe it's a good thing that it was quick. He had absolutely no signs of illness until the day I rushed him to the emergency room with intense abdominal pain and shortness of breath while we were out raking leaves. We were together 20 years, married 5 1/2 years...no kids. I'm only 50 and terrified of what the future will hold.
I'm already seeing a grief counselor and have gone back to work. I'm finding it hard to be home, surrounded by Scott...and the deafening silence around me.
My heart goes out to everyone here.
Hello Denverkim, You are in a good place here. We've all experienced a terrible grief and I've found it to be very helpful to post and read. You are early in the experience. If you are experiencing a fog in your mind, I encourage you to let it be. Several of us have found it to be a protective cover. Right now take care of yourself. You may need to ask your support system for the kind of help that you think you need. You are in my thoughts today.
Thank you IBelieveInYou. I feel less alone already.
You've come to the right place, there are so many wonderful people here to help!
I lost my husband last October, after a two-week hospitalization. We also didn't know he was dying before that time. He was 43, and I was 31, and he was stepfather to my now 10 year old son. Our 2 year wedding anniversary was while he was hospitalized.
You will find the people who really get you and are most compassionate are those who have also suffered tremendous loss, especially those who have also lost their spouses. It is good you have reached out. Many people are uncomfortable with grief in our culture especially, and you probably have already experienced friends making empty offers of support or turning away from you. I am so sorry our world is like that. I agree with IBelieveInYou, your self-care is so important right now. Make sure you are sleeping.Make sure you are eating. Make sure you are drinking water. Take long, hot showers,and sit outside on sunny days. Nothing will probably feel good right now, but try to do the things that you know should feel good anyway.
I am in the Denver area too (Lakewood). There are some great resources here. I would check out The HeartLight Center http://www.heartlightcenter.org/ and get connected there. If you ever want to meet up for coffee, or just need some company some night, send me a message and we can try and connect.
Hey there girl. I totally understand the fear of the future. It seems unreal, like your life is not yours anymore. I'm terrified of being alone for the rest of my natural life ( as I'm 47), but we just have to ride this wave as hard as it is. Scott will always be in your heart and you'll be okay. Hugs for you!