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Its just over 5 months since my brave Helen passed.  Have had some OK times but mostly not good times but it is getting slightly easier. I have struggled with depression over the years and know about and have experienced panic attacks, but I now get what I call "empty attacks" or perhaps "lonely attacks".  I seem to be doing good but just drying dishes and looking out the window I just get "empty" or "lonely" and at that moment wonder what is this all about??  My expression about getting easier is perhaps more about realizing that Helen is not coming back.  Going to my 2 sons for Christmas, but just want it get it done and over with and to get on with whatever there is to come. Hope that the new year will lead the way forward but just being in this place and knowing that others are suffering as much or more than I am is assistance in knowing if they can do it then I can do it.  Thanks all and good wishes for the days ahead.  Ray

I get that, too.  My husband died in November, 2016 so I'm just a little over a year out.  I think the first year I was almost feeling relief that I didn't have to worry about another person anymore; Ron had slowly been going downhill, losing his ability to deal with technology, becoming forgetful about taking medications, unsteady on his feet.... so I gradually took over more.  I'm glad I could do it- he took care of everyone else his whole life (stepdaughter with serious asthma, elderly mother after his sister decided Mom was too much trouble, a financially clueless previous GF).  He deserved to have the best care possible at the end.

Now, especially with the short winter nights, I really notice the stillness in the house.  I'm also aware of the fact that I'm still developing workarounds because I'm alone.  My only long bike rides are the ones organized for charity, where I know there will be rescue vehicls on the course.  (I do have an Uber account in case I get a flat tire on my own, but haven't tried it.)  This week I took the car in for servicingto a place a mile from my gym, walked to the gym, worked out, walked back and picked up the car.

Friday I get out on the road to SC, where my widowed father and my 4 siblings live.  I made this trip without Ron last year and also in July, so I know I can do it.  It will be good to be with family over Christmas.

Thanks I really appreciate your reply. Yes not looking forward to Christmas this year 

Hello. I lost my Patti two months ago due to Diabetes. It was sudden and not expected. She stopped breathing and went into cardiac arrest in the middle of the night.  She was only 47 and the love of my life. I will never heal. I am here because I need support and to also offer support to you. I am at the lowest point in my life but am thankful that I can reach out to people who understand and share the same feelings I am going through. I wake up some mornings and wonder if it is all worth it anymore? I want to quit my job and move away from everyone. But I have responsibilities that I must meet, namely getting our daughter through college. Only after she graduates and finds her own life will I then move on to whatever God has planned for me. I miss my wife. I miss our weekend adventures. I miss her cooking and her snuggling and her love notes. I miss seeing her waiting for me on our front porch when i come home from work. I miss her gentleness and her kindness. I love my wife with all my heart. I will never forget her.

Greg, my condolences. It is good that you have found us. Please read what we've written and share what you want. There have been many times where the writings of fellow widowers has helped. Reach out to your community for help. Tell them what you need. You will learn that you must ignore insensitive comments. The first few months for me were terrible. I'm now more than 2 years out and while it is still hard, I've learned that I can be sad and okay at the same time. Right now though, concentrate on yourself and your daughter. Put one pant let on at a time and you've accomplished something. Your wife sounds like my wife and your relationship, like ours. It's going to be rough but you will pull thru. Know that we understand what you are experiencing. Please take care of yourself.

Thank you "IBelieve". God bless

Greg, so understand how you are feeling.  I am quite a bit older but I just never knew that anything could hurt this bad.  The only help I can give is to try and let it out.  If you are unable to tell your near friends and family then let it out here.  Keeping that hurt inside just eats at you. I was with my Helen for 50 years and I don't know if I will ever be able to let that go but I don't think Helen would allow me to just give up on my children and grandchildren and thats whats keeping me level at present. Do the best you can and try, how difficult it is, to remember those years with her, and I hope I can take my own advice.  Ray

HelensRay I might add something to your theme of letting it out. One of my friends, who is a psychologist, advised me that I should tell the story of Tam's death and life at least 300 times. I don't know why exactly but I know that it has helped in my grief process. One time I was up on a tall mountain just enjoying the view and a rugged, tough old fellow drove up and wanted directions. We talked for a while and of course our talk turned to our wives. I congratulated him on his long marriage and that naturally led me to telling him about my wife's passing. Keep in mind this was a tough looking guy. He stopped, looked me in the eyes and placed his hand on my heart with the greatest of compassion. He appreciated my telling him because it helped put his own life in a different perspective. 

What a touching story. Thank you for sharing.

IbelieveinYou, that's great advice!  I think it's really helped me get through my husband's death to be able to talk about it.  He died at home in hospice care, 5 months after being diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia.  He was 78 and had had a predecessor condition (polycythemia) for 10 years, so it wasn't unexpected.  I'm blessed to have wonderful friends and family, willing to listen when a memory comes up that I want to share.  Sometimes it's a memory of his last days or months but sometimes it's something random from our travels, or what he'd think or say about a current event.  It helps me to keep his memory alive.

Thank you HelensRay. You right. I need to let it out. I have so many emotions built up inside me. My Pastor said that i would go through a stage of anger. I havent had that yet but i think i feel it coming on. Ive talked to God every day since he took my Patti but i dont feel any better about it. I dont get it. 

Greg, I don't talk to God but I talk to Helen every day.  I don't know if she hears me but I really don't care I just need to talk to her and  I just hope she hears me.  I just love talking to her and letting her know how much I love her and need her and miss her, its just a part of my day.  I am not sure if I believe in the hereafter but I just know I miss Helen and it helps me to remember her I don't give a crap about anything else. Ray

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