HelensRay I might add something to your theme of letting it out. One of my friends, who is a psychologist, advised me that I should tell the story of Tam's death and life at least 300 times. I don't know why exactly but I know that it has helped in my grief process. One time I was up on a tall mountain just enjoying the view and a rugged, tough old fellow drove up and wanted directions. We talked for a while and of course our talk turned to our wives. I congratulated him on his long marriage and that naturally led me to telling him about my wife's passing. Keep in mind this was a tough looking guy. He stopped, looked me in the eyes and placed his hand on my heart with the greatest of compassion. He appreciated my telling him because it helped put his own life in a different perspective.
What a touching story. Thank you for sharing.
IbelieveinYou, that's great advice! I think it's really helped me get through my husband's death to be able to talk about it. He died at home in hospice care, 5 months after being diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. He was 78 and had had a predecessor condition (polycythemia) for 10 years, so it wasn't unexpected. I'm blessed to have wonderful friends and family, willing to listen when a memory comes up that I want to share. Sometimes it's a memory of his last days or months but sometimes it's something random from our travels, or what he'd think or say about a current event. It helps me to keep his memory alive.
Thank you HelensRay. You right. I need to let it out. I have so many emotions built up inside me. My Pastor said that i would go through a stage of anger. I havent had that yet but i think i feel it coming on. Ive talked to God every day since he took my Patti but i dont feel any better about it. I dont get it.
Greg, I don't talk to God but I talk to Helen every day. I don't know if she hears me but I really don't care I just need to talk to her and I just hope she hears me. I just love talking to her and letting her know how much I love her and need her and miss her, its just a part of my day. I am not sure if I believe in the hereafter but I just know I miss Helen and it helps me to remember her I don't give a crap about anything else. Ray
Helen is with you all the time. But you know and feel that. Some people are sensitive to this stuff and even though it does not help because she is not here in the physical world, there is this connection. My husband was called Ray. I miss him every day. Keep heart...you will get thru this. Helen wants you to find some happiness. good luck with Christmas ..I am dreading it . First year alone for me.
Greg, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband unexpectedly a little over 5 months ago. He too, was the love of my life. So many people here know what you are going through, and I've been able to find comfort in that. It's beautiful the way you love your wife. There are so many things I miss about my husband. You mentioning you miss Patti waiting for you on the front porch touched me. I still sit on my front porch waiting for my husband to come home from work. I now realize it was the best part of my day, and oh how I wish I had told him that more often.
Thank you for your condolences. I am so sorry to hear about your husband. You loved him very much and I am sure he knew your favorite part of the day was when he came home. If you had told him that even once, I assure you he never forgot it. Yes, every day when I come home I look at our front porch, if only for a second, just to catch a glimpse of her. That's probably the hardest time of the day for me, coming home from work. Our usual routine after my day at work was to lay in bed, snuggle, watch TV and talk about whatever was happening, usually it was about the kids. I miss that so much. We started doing weekend adventures this year, just the two of us, where we would pick a destination ( ghost town for example) and drive to it for the day. I miss that so much. Its so hard Betweenwaves to get up in the morning on the weekends and not be able to spend it with her. She was my world as I am sure your husband was the world to you.
It's been 2 months since my husband, Gary, died (age 74 - heart attack.) We were together 42 years, married nearly 40. Each day is a painful struggle to find a way to adjust to life without his loving presence. I know it's a "new normal" which I must somehow work out and through, but the concept of these current days ever being "normal" to me is unthinkable. I'm thankful to have found this site and read that, eventually, normalcy doesn't have to remain a continual state of deep, agonizing grief. To those of you who are also recently bereaved, I extend my heartfelt condolences, but also gratitude for sharing your thoughts and feelings at such a time. I don't feel comforted by the pain of others, but do feel connected, less alone, and assured that my emotional and mental instability doesn't mean I've lost my mind (yet.) I could have written many of those posts myself. To those of you who are further along in this journey, you give me hope there are, eventually, better days ahead and, though life will never be the same again, it can meaningful, even maybe good again. I can't envision that yet, but I'll trust you veterans on that. Thanks to all of you for being here.
I am 52years old,51 when I lost my husband,52, in July.
We met in the highschool and got married 29 years ago.
With him,every single day was like a Christmass day.Waking up with joy,loving our cosy evenings,feeling happy safe and relaxed.We had a simple but wonderful life,full of warmth,care,love.Our marrital vows are completed now:"for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part'...At only 52.
No me without him and my soul died with him.I am only here to support our children.I keep running our family business although I lose focus and sometimes make mistakes.I often cry,feel dizzy and fainted,have grieving waves,so I need to sit down for a while.I sleep only 3 or 4 hours every night which makes me very exsausted.
Our devastated friends promised support but never called me back.That was the very first time in my life when I did ask for help.Now I usually walk by myself in the park after work,then stay home alone talking to his pictures and our cat.
I am overwhelmed with guilt that we didn't seek second doctors opinion,but he looked so strong and healthy that we trusted our doctor.Over and over again I blame myself that if we went to another hospital,today he wolud be with us.I can't take it anymore and guilt suffocates me till I can't breath.If you know how to deal with this,please,share!
I have another problem with my daughter,A grade medical student last course,who is about to choose an object this year.Watching helplessly her father's agony and comma,crying and asking him to respond,she lost her interest in life and study.She stays at her room,don't see her friends ,looks deeply sad and unhappy.So healthy child before,now she gets ill almost every week.I do my best to give her all my strenght but there is not much left.Seing her suffering makes my heart bleeding again.
I see beautiful families going shopping for Xmass together or to a party,they are so excited,shining and happy.I wish they never have a reason to join us!And I wish all of you piece and health for you and your loved ones!Thanks for reading me.
Oh! Mareli I see you are hurting so bad, it's so difficult finding words to help you through such a difficult time. I lost my Helen in June and found the whole thing really made for more exhausting through the lack of sleep. 6 months on I still rely on sleep aid medication. Getting a reasonable nights sleep doesn't change the situation but it gives me the strength to manage what I have to do, day to day. I have not had the need to look for counseling up to present, having the support of really good friends but it sounds like your daughter does need some help of some sort. I am staying with my son's over Christmas but really want it all over and done with, so I can get back to my new normal. Please use this site to get your feelings out there. Ray
Mareli, It is good that you have found us. Like HelensRay says, use this site to express your thoughts. You may have to ask your friends and family members for help with specific things. All of us have experienced, to some degree, the fact that our society has no idea to support those who grieve as we do. Can you get you and your daughter to a group or individual counseling session? My son and I found it to be somewhat helpful. For you, loosing your husband is like loosing more than just the man. Like my wife and I, we were together for a long time and death came unnaturally young (my wife was 50 when she had a sudden and unexpected heart attack). I feel like 2/3 of me is gone: my wife and the relationship that defined my entire life and personality. It's been 2 years and I still cry and suffer from guilt much as you have. I know though that she would not want me to stop living. As you say, we have our children to live for still. Since my wife's death, my children and I have taken brief holidays away from work and we've found that helpful. Hang in there. Take care of yourself and your daughter. You are in my thoughts today.