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Hi Mareli, I am sorry you were alone so much, and I too feel I couldn't do enough to relieve Chris's pain, nausea and mental state the last weeks. The nurses came to help me adjust his medications each day but we were always playing catch up and he was never comfortable. It was hideous to see him like that and I seemed to be constantly ringing them or his doctor later each day to make adjustments. After he passed his doctor told me she was sorry it was such a hard time for us all but she was constrained by laws so was unable to give more relief to him. My dad passed away from cancer four years ago and they had him heavily sedated so he passed away after three days in hospital quite peacefully with me by his side. Chris and I both thought this would be his path too when the time came, but it was not peaceful at all. It is torturous to dwell on it so I try to think on the good times we had as much as I can. I am thankful that I was with him, and the kids were home. Thank you for replying to me. I appreciate your honesty and for sharing your feelings. It helps to know I'm not alone. 

I don't know why people can't understand that "I don't even know what to say" or "There just aren't any words" is a perfectly appropriate thing to say.

I once waited in line for an hour at a wake for a friend's daughter trying to figure out what to say.  When I got to the front of the line I burst into tears and said "I don't know what to say!!".  

Much later, my friend said that if she's heard one more thing about "Hang in there" or "She's in a better place" she was going to scream, and what I said was exactly the right thing.  We were work friends and after that we became real friends.

Thank you for your reply. I totally agree. I have had two people say 'I don't know what to say' and one of them was my sister. I was completely comfortable with that and know that is was a genuine gesture from those who want to help you but don't know how.  It was so much better than 'You can sleep in the middle of the bed now'. That gem was from my mum, but I chose to ignore it because I know she is grieving too! I'm pleased you have had a friendship grow. Nice to hear something positive. Thank you.

My mum's gem was "No woman cries for a man but you.You are such a fool".She is divorced and don't believe in love and family.
Sam,my father died 7 years ago from the same cancer that killed my husband in June.
I was a caregiver for him,77,and for my father in law,72,who died a week after Dad.
I was extremely stressed out and tired.Whoever may know that I'm going through all this so soon with the man of my life at such a young age of 52 .Life sucks.

That was a very unkind thing for your Mum to say. I pity her for not having love in her life. 

Hi, 

My name is Stephanie.  I lost my husband sudden and unexpectedly on December 22, 2017.  He had a massive heart attack and I can't help but feel a sense of guilt as we were talking an hour before he passed when he was telling me he wasn't feeling well.  We have two children ages 12 and 4.  I've been so worried about their mental health and well being that I don't think I have fully come to terms that my best friend is no longer with me.  I'm in a fog and totally lost without him.  

Steph1202 - My condolences. The fog is there to protect you. If you don't have to, let it be. Eventually, the fog will lift but not now. Focus on being there for your kids. The feeling of guilt is normal and understandable. I have felt the same way since my wife passed suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack of some kind right before all of our eyes. She had been suffering some upper respiratory thing - she had an appointment scheduled for that day. Please don't beat yourself up. None of us know what might have happened if only... Right now, focus on you and the kids. Ask for the help you need because people don't know how to support us. Concentrate on the mundane and the necessary. You will have time for the rest. It is good that you are here. We understand. Read what we have written. Share what you want and ask for help from us. Although we are separated by miles, all of us get what you are going through. 

Hi Stephanie,

Could you possibly have had a worse date for this to happen than 3 days before Christmas?  I am some distance ahead of you having lost my wife on January 20, 2017, but mine was just as sudden as yours.  She had septic shock and it knocked her blood pressure so low that it simply stopped her heart.  We were told by the doctors right up until the end that she was going to be alright.  The main level of support that I have had has come from this group and from a member from Grief Share.  I would be pleased to share with you much that I have learned is this period since last January should you be interested in hearing it.

Larry

Larry,

I am actually starting grief share on Tuesday at my church.  I would love to hear whatever you would like to share with me. Thank you!

Stephanie 

Hi, Stephanie.  I am so sorry you had to go through this, and at Christmastime yet.  I know this is not going to help you, but with only one hour, there is NOTHING you could have done to change the outcome.  There are many of us who in retrospect think we should have known something, or should have handled things differently.  I won't bore you with my own guilt journey; you can find it in my profile.  But one other thing -- men are notoriously unwilling to seek medical attention.  They tend to "tough things out."  

It will take a long time to "come to terms" with what has happened.  You will be in a fog.  You will be lost.  You will be numb sometimes and curled up in a fetal position in the corner screaming at other times.  You won't know which end is up.  This is all normal and we all understand.  Take each minute, hour, day as it comes.  Take care of your children and be kind to yourself.  ((((HUG))))

Hi Steph, I am sorry you and your children have to go through this. It seems ‘fog’ is common thing, and I guess it helps us cope. The first four weeks after my husband passed are blurry to me and I the kids and I were in disbelief.. I still don’t function very well, can’t concentrate and am so forgetful. I totally get that you are lost without him, it is surreal to think they are not going to walk through the door again. I hope this group will be of help. The little I have read so far leaves me feeling less isolated. 

Steph1202 I am so sorry for such a loss. I really don’t know what to say. I’m only 4 months 18 days into this. My husband of 47 years died suddenly and unexpectedly after routine hip surgery. It was devastating and I was in shock. Two weeks later, my mother died. It was all piled on my dad going to heaven on Nov 16 2016. Your sadness has got to be compounded with the timing of the holidays. Mine was by the amount of loss. I don’t find grief easy or predictable . This is a truly supportive group. Locally you may want to look into a Griefshare group. God be with you.

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