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Redwidow, so sorry about your loss and particularly the circumstances surrounding it. The loss is just so hard, Helen passed away 9 months ago last Friday, but when you have the pain and anger about the manner of the loss you must be in the wilderness. And having to show support for a 10 & 14 years old must be so draining.  I hope you get as much emotional support from WW as I have. If you need to get those worm like thoughts out of your head in the late of night or early hours of the morning when sleep won't come this is the place to vent or let out your cries.

 

Hi RedWidow.

Your story sounds a lot like mine, except the time-frame was much shorter. When we learned my husband had cirrhosis, it was October 16, 2016, and his liver was already failing. About a week later they confirmed his kidneys were failing as well. He was hospitalized for two weeks, in hospice for one day, and took his last breath on October 30, 2016, at the age of 43. I was 31. In a couple weeks I turn 33. I am raising my 10 year-old son, Owen, who has special needs and was my husband's step-son. My son's dad is an abusive man, and lives in another state. My husband Shane did not qualify for a transplant either, because he was literally drinking the day he ended up going to the hospital. We were only married for two years; in fact our 2nd Anniversary was Oct. 18th, while he was hospitalized. I am glad you have supportive friends and family. You will find you need to rely on others for somethings, and for somethings you will find strength within yourself. You will find a lot in common with many people here. (((hugs))) to you.

-Debbie

Dear RedWidow:

I lost my dear husband to liver cirrhosis too. He was diagnosed on December 23, 2016, and died on February 10, 2017. The only hope we had was to get a liver transplant, but time was not in our favor. It is a terrible disease, indeed. My hubby never drank or smoked, did not have diabetes or high blood pressure. He was 47. It was a shock to both of us and my life changed completely after that. In one and a half month I lost the love of my live, my job, my house and my credit. We were married for 23 years and did not have children. I miss him every single moment of the day. Since he worked from home, I was the one who drove to work and came back home. I was with him every moment that I was not working.  

It is normal that you feel angry. I was angry as hell, depressed, numbed and lost. This path is the worst that anyone has to walk. My parents have been (now I live with them) a blessing, and my four doggies. I am still taking antidepressants (Zoloft) and visit my psychiatrist every three months. I am from Puerto Rico, so as you can imagine, Hurricane Maria did not treat us well. The 2017 was a horrible year for me. 

It is a long and hard road this that we are walking. Take one step at a time. You will be better, do not rush. I wish you peace.

Hugs to you,

Ixia

RedWidow, I am so sorry we meet. Here. I find this season of my life, an incredible, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, brain taxing, time. When I visit WV, For me, this is a place of so much understanding, as we've all lost our best friend.

My husband of 47 years died unexpectedly suddenly after routine hip surgery, 7 months ago, on Aug 28, 2017, just 3 days after his birthday.

Liver cirrhosis inhibited his body from fighting sepsis. He never told me any doctor diagnosed him with anything but FATTY liver. Different. 

Even with a team of cardiologists, and his fighting hard for 28 days, they could not save him. With 2 quintuple bypass surgeries from age 45, on his side, there were, cardiologists, pulmonologists, (lung failure took him to emergency room), diabetes specialists, hematologists (they knew the infection was in his blood), oncologists (they were able to treat low platelet levels and probably some I forgot. I lost someone who was everything to me.

You have so much to be grateful for with friends and parents supporting you. I have just one adult son who lives on the west coast so I can't imagine having to be there for your children too although there are MANY here on WV who do/have done just that.

It is an exhausting time, which for me, magnifies every emotion I have, and dulls the world around me.

Sending you hugs and prayers. I hope you'll find this to be a place of connectedness, kindness and support, as I have.

RedWidow, I'm so sorry for your lost. Like others here, I also lost my husband to liver cirrhosis. He was 43 and passed on Nov. 3, 2016. We also fought the transplant system hard. I am thankful for people like you who spoke out and fought as well. There is so much frustration in the transplant program. We were told "one more month of sobriety." Half the team agreed to put him on the list, but it wasn't unanimous, so we got that. He died a week later after his third massive GI bleed. 

In a way, I'm thankful we got as far as we did in the transplant system (we had just gone through all the tests and were in the hospital when he took a turn for the worse). He had support from his own doctor and of course all of us in the family. Most people believed he was conquering substance use disorder. But not everyone.

I'm digressing here. All I can say is "thank you for fighting so hard for the transplant." I did the same, but it was to no avail. I now spread the word for organ donation, early detection of cirrhosis, and early warning signs of addiction in young people.

I'm 15 months in to this slog. I have been where you are. I will not speak for anyone else but me, and in that I say, it has gotten easier and better for me. I laugh, I have joy, even though I thought I never would. In fact, it was unthinkable for me that I would ever feel as I do now. I have many many many more good moments than bad. I still wrestle with guilt over not being able to "save my husband," but I know it's irrational. Anyway, love to you. There was another side once I went through grief hell, and I hope there is for you, too.

Laura

RogueFour I am following this thread and want to THANK YOU for letting me see hope in your reply to RedWidow. I'm just 7 months into it and look for hope, so I can keep trusting God, in this season of my life. Thank you.

hi,

I am from Mumbai - India.

I have lost my wife Archana on 12th March 2018.

She left us - me and my 2 sons suddenly.

She was on Dialysis and suffering from 2 deadly diseases for last 15 years.

I feel lost, blank, depressed and in dark.

What do I do now ?

please help me as I don't feel like living anymore.

in grief,

Naya Jivan

Naya, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so recent, I understand your terrible sadness. Because it is still so soon, give yourself time to grieve your loss. Remember that you have two sons that will continue to need you. It is very hard to find meaning in sudden loss, but know that we are here for you. Please check in and tell us how you are doing. That is what the group is here to do, to lend support. (((Hugs)))

I don't understand what to do and how to do ? It seems that my mind has stopped working..

I am unable to think and just mechanical and  artificial living.

I am unable to understand how to face life without her..

Naya, this is perfectly normal.  It's called "widow brain" or "widower brain", if you prefer.  People say that when you lose a spouse you lose half of who you are, but in reality you lose 2/3 of who you are, because in a marriage there is yourself, your spouse, and "us".  You have lost the spouse and the "us" -- so 2/3.  That is an awfully big chunk of who we are to lose. Over time, "yourself" can regenerate to fill that "us" space.  But this is a journey that takes time.

I am glad that you have found this community.  I did a quick look to see what particular issues widowers face in India (I know that societally it is horrible for widows in India but it may be different for men)  but was unable to find anything.  I don't know if this means that your situation is unusual; if so, that could make you feel very isolated.  It would probably be helpful for you to explain some of this.  Most of us here (not all but most) seem to be in US and Canada, and there could be some societal differences we are not aware of.

The truth is that this is a long, hard journey and we navigate it one day at a time.  What I will say is that there are no shortcuts through grief.  It has to be felt.  If it's suppressed, it can result in health problems.  I threw myself into "not being like my mother" who became a miserable person after her husband died, hid my feelings, and ended up with an autoimmune disease.

I hope you have other family around to help support you emotionally.  Here in the US, that can be hard because here we tend to be very uncomfortable with death.  Your best source of comfort will be your sons, who need you to be there for them.  You can teach them an important life lesson by showing them that it is OK to love, to grieve, to feel.  

Please visit this site as often as you need to.  This is the "club none of us wanted to join", but it is a welcoming one, and those of us who have endured and thrived are here to help those just starting this journey.

In India, there is no visible help and support system in place for the widow or widower similar to Widowed Village or Soaring Spirits

so, it is pretty difficult for someone like me to pass through and face the difficult times in India.

and that is why I have reached this Community for help and support to face the most difficult challenge and life changing event of my life.

I hope that this Community helps, supports and guides me by hand-holding to face, cope, overcome and win the challenges !

I am so sorry for your loss nayajivan. As a few have said, you are so early in your loss. And we each are going to mourn and grieve differently. For me even 7 months and a week into this season of life, the anguish, anxiety, broken heart is so deep.

This is a wonderfully supportive community. Have you signed up for a penpal yet? I did early on and have found just that ONE thing, where I hear from someone HERE in this community, regularly via email is wonderful. 

What about in your place of worship for support? Maybe people are quiet there however, there may be some support there. Or something specific online. You've probably already searched for such.

In the meantime, we can help with being here to listen and let you know, we feel your pain. In my less than 7 months here I've found only support in this community.

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