Intro -- I'm "norm" in TX. Lost my wife of 52 years 27 months ago. Like everyone else, regardless of age or circumstance, I'm continually adjusting. I believe in the words of Dr. Jim Conway -- “When you lose a mate, you lose part of yourself. It’s as if you’ve had an amputation of an arm or a leg. I think that you don’t really recover; you adjust, and the process of adjusting varies with every individual. There’s no formula.”
We widowers here are sort of a "rare breed" in that the ladies generally outlive us. But we all suffer the loss and have to face the changes.
I found an organization called GriefShare helpful in getting me as far as I have. (It's highly Christian oriented.)
May all here emerge from your adjustment periods stronger than you entered it.
My name is Denise. I lost my husband, Martin 18 months ago. We were married for 30 years. It was unexpected. I spent a good three hours waiting for the funeral home to come in the middle of the night. I stood in my kitchen and repeated the words, "Holy F*ck" over and over again. I had no tears. I managed to call my mother, I managed to call family and the kids. The EMT's were my neighbors. It was absolutely surreal. We talked about parties instead of funerals and cremation. We used to joke about dividing up our ashes into 4 ziploc bags for the kids (with one large) when both of us were gone for the them to sprinkle us somewhere.
I had carried a shirt with me to the funeral home because I needed to identify Martin. My oldest children were with me. In the car, they were fighting over the radio and the music. I asked them to just turn on my radio, no personal choices. And our song came on. The kids were in disbelief and I know that it was a sign that I had made choices Martin would be happy with.
I used to tell Martin that if he went first, I would never remarry. I realized the night he left us that I was a liar, because I don't want to be without the kind of love I have for him. At the same time, if it never happened again, I am fulfilled. I have a wonderful life in spite of some struggles and Martin was a funny, smart, multi-talented man whom I love unconditionally-even in death. I was overwhelmed with how many people came to our party because I did not publish an obituary. I don't remember much of that day, except the date and that my friend Elle brought her keyboard so my son could sing our song and one of Martin's favorites- Summer of 69 by Bryan Adams and The Counting Crows, It's Raining in Baltimore.
Grief is like waves. Some tides are low and easy and other days, the waves overtake me and I can't believe I have 25 more years without him. My children seem to focus on what won't be, but I try hard not to because I would be worthless to the people around me. We loved each other and had more than some will have in a lifetime. Our "lifetime" was 31years and I have no regrets about anything. Truly. My mother pointed out to me, in the week after,when people were bringing food and doing our yard work that everything was right in Martin's world when we went to sleep. He did go the way most people dream of and our day and date that evening prior were awesomely spent with great friends, music, dancing. Who would ask for more? I look forward to meeting new friends and offering support to people. We all need peace and peace of mind. Transitioning is hard, but taking it one day at a time is how I roll. :)
Quite an intro, Denise. I can identify with the part of the long wait for the funeral home people. Sadly, we can't go around the grieving process, but must travel through it, and everyone travels at a different pace. Peace be with you.
I am totally new here, in fact it is Friday and my husband died Tuesday. I can't believe it has only been a few days. Yet as someone said to me I have experienced a lifetime of grief and loss and emotions. So I guess ...
Denise what you have written resonates with me so much. So much of what you have said I feel already. I find so much comfort (if that is possible at this point) in your words.
The grief sure is life waves. Right now from moment to moment.
Oh I'm so sorry for your loss, and so recent. I know for me, the first few days I was numb, in shock. For now, moment to moment is the only way to take things. My motto, stolen from Dory, has been "just keep swimming" since I lost my husband. Don't hesitate to reach out to any of us, hugs to you... Peggy
I am so sorry, Firefly. My husband died in February, I went in to work the next day, because I didn't know what else to do. This is your time, take it and do what feels right for you. Hugs, Izzie
Keep your glow and find the happy when you can! The grief is still very raw in many ways and especially for you. I don't remember much. Hopefully you have friends and family to guide you along...or maybe you've been strong enough. Everyone grieves differently and if I can do anything to help, I promise to try. For anyone who needs it.
I'm Diana. I'm 38 and I lost my bestfried/husband a little over a year and six months ago. It's been hard to live without him. I have two teenagers and I try to keep it together for them, but many times is hard. I joined this site just recently mostly because I wanted to get in touch with people who understand what I'm going through. I'm from Southern California.
Hi Diana, I think all on this site know in their way of what you are going through.We all know how hard it is to keep on going when your heart has been ripped out. I lost my Helen 10 months ago and have, over the past 3 weeks, been feeling pretty good, but today I saw something (I just can't remember what!!!) that plunged me into such a feeling of loss, longing and despair. That whats seem's to happen these highs and lows. It must be so difficult trying to get your head and heart around your loss whilst also dealing with your children's loss as well. I just hope you get some comfort from others on this site who know how you feel and can give you something to cling onto.
thank you Ray. The same happens to me, I will see something that reminds me of a moment or a chat that I had with my husband and suddenly am back to feeling sad and missing him like crazy. You are right also about the highs and lows.