Hi Steph, I am sorry you and your children have to go through this. It seems ‘fog’ is common thing, and I guess it helps us cope. The first four weeks after my husband passed are blurry to me and I the kids and I were in disbelief.. I still don’t function very well, can’t concentrate and am so forgetful. I totally get that you are lost without him, it is surreal to think they are not going to walk through the door again. I hope this group will be of help. The little I have read so far leaves me feeling less isolated.
Steph1202 I am so sorry for such a loss. I really don’t know what to say. I’m only 4 months 18 days into this. My husband of 47 years died suddenly and unexpectedly after routine hip surgery. It was devastating and I was in shock. Two weeks later, my mother died. It was all piled on my dad going to heaven on Nov 16 2016. Your sadness has got to be compounded with the timing of the holidays. Mine was by the amount of loss. I don’t find grief easy or predictable . This is a truly supportive group. Locally you may want to look into a Griefshare group. God be with you.
Oh how your story resonates with me! My husband died from a massive heart attack September 2nd. My kids are 10 and 12. The last four months have been surreal. Keeping busy has helped. Having kids keeps me going. I feel like curling up in a ball is not an option when I have kids to raise. They mostly seem okay. We've all had moments of sadness and anger. I'm still in disbelief that my best friend is gone. I just can't believe he was taken so young. He was 53. I'm 45. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can empathize with the pain you are feeling. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to chat. Take good care of yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help from those around you.
Hi everyone, I am new to this site. I lost my husband suddenly on NYE and as you all know, my life has been turned upside down.
I do okay during the day but as the sun sets I feel overwhelmed with grief. I have done as much as I can in these 19 days but nothing
seems to help. I am looking for HOPE.. that it does get better. I am under the age of 50..
Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss and the fact we have to meet under these circumstances. I too lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly this past 4th of July. He was 34 and I had just turned 31. Then, three days later, I gave birth to our first child (a daughter).
I found the first few weeks (even months) a rollercoaster of emotions. To the point where it felt like I was going crazy! But I found this to be a normal part of my process as with others.
My advice would be find a good support system whether that be family, friends, an outside third party or even all three. Being able to express how I was feeling openly without being judged has been very crucial in my healing journey. There are even times when I don't want to really talk to anyone but still get how I'm feeling out so I have a voice recorder for those moments. Some also take to journaling which helps as well. Find what works for you.
Also, be sure to take care of yourself mentally and physically the best that you can. Rest, exercise, hydrate, eat well... just the basics. I took to exercise as an outlet (mainly for all the anxiety I accumulated) and it does wonders! I dance for an hour and also take my daughter for a mile walk everyday. Not going to lie though, sleep is VERY difficult for me and not because of my daughter because she actually sleeps all night! My husband passed while I was sleeping so I have it in my mind that bad things happen while I sleep. I've tried meditation, acupuncture, herbal teas... they work for a bit but then I'll be back to being wide awake again. So I do use sleep aids at night mainly because I so need the rest in order to take care of my daughter during the day.
I am at a point in my grief now where it is not that overwhelming and suffocating sense of loss. I do still think about my husband every single day but the pain isn't as acute. I find a lot of comfort by being able to read other widow/ers experiences on here and knowing things do get better one day.
This journey is long and difficult. Do what feels right to you because unfortunately there is no set manuel for grieving and everyone is different. Take it all one day at a time and if that's too much, just one hour at a time. Feel free to post and/or reach out whenever you like. Take care!
thank you for your encouraging words K.
Thanks for sharing this, it is really encouraging to read. My husband passed away 4 months ago he was also 34. We have two young daughters, 2.5 and 6 months now. I just moved from CA to MI to be closer to family to have help with the girls. I'm finding it really difficult to be able to express openly how awful and not ok this is, especially since I am meeting a lot of people who never knew Ryan. I just have the feeling that no one gets it. Did you feel that way, or how did you move past that feeling?
I am so sorry...
I lost my husband at 55 4 miles in on a hiking trail in Aspen in 2014. He died in my arms of the widowmaker heart attack. No one but us, no phone service, hellicopter..It was like a movie.
The support group that met me at the bottom of the mountain 5 hours later said "Welcome to the club no one wants to be a member of".
It is quite a journey you have begun but you will survive, no one grieves or handles this the same but one thing I am sure of is that you will be forced to come to terms with many challenges that will present themselves. And you won't believe it now but you will evolve so much from this experience.
There is clarity in death. You can't fix it, You can't explain it, You can't understand it. You simply must accept it. AND ITS REALLY REALLY HARD.
My experience was that the early grief is physical it hurts . The later grief is emotional. And eventually it becomes just a part of you.
Truly the best advice I was given was to think of it as a wave in the ocean. You can try to out swim it , fight it and be swallowed by it or you can dive through the wave to the other side.
I remember so many times and even now that I think I am fine...and I am not. But I have also learned to accept that reality. And keep stepping forward.
And as another member here noted...many nay, most people do not know how to handle death and even worse a life cut short. That insensitivty or ignorance or fear has been without a doubt the most hurtful part of this journey for me.
But because of this experience I have found a strength inside me I did not know existed. There is peace in death, There is peace and hope in being the survivor. My trick is not to think too far out. I started with minutes, hours , days, months...I have learned not to push myself to the next phase...the body knows. Trust it.
There is without a doubt HOPE, you will be writing to help someone else someday, your life will change but your might be surprised at the strange evolution of you that will come out of this hell. Gods speed
wow... just wow. thank you so much SnG. VERY very wise words of wisdom. This website has been a god send.
yes, it is hour by hour now and you nailed it: thinking too far out is overwhelming beyond belief. It has certainly
slowed me down! lol. I am more mindful than ever and practicing being mentally tough- not getting caught in
the fantasy that isn't going to happen.... I am so so so fortunate that I met my love and shared a truly amazing
11 years and I thank GOD that I can say I have no regrets, no what ifs... We just needed more time. I am leaning on
my faith and it has carried thus far.
Thank you again.
It doesn't seem to make any sense when the love of your life departs at a young age. My wife was 51 when she passed in July of 2014. She had retired at 48 and when I asked her what she wanted to do next, her reply was, "All I want to do is ski in the winter and hike in the summer." She did just that for three years. In June of 2014 she had a seizure while hiking and she departed 6 weeks later at home surrounded by family and friends. The cause of death was brain cancer. Fortunately for everyone involved, it wasn't a long drawn out affair.
One of my most difficult moments was coming home in the evening in the fall when it was cold and dark; opening the front door to a cold and quiet house. I used to cry coming through the door...it was so painful! In past years, the house would be warm with the smell of food cooking and I would be greeted with a hug and a kiss. Now I come into a cold silent house and have to figure out what I was going to eat...alone. I found that the best therapy for me was to tell the story over and over. I participated in the local hospice sessions where we gather in a circle and talk about our situations. To hear other people's experiences was extremely helpful. I still stop in to the hospice sessions once in a while.
The question is, "When will I get over this?" The answer is never, but over time the pain eases and the beautiful pleasant memories of our lives together fill my heart with warmth. Human beings are adaptable and we can accept new and different circumstances. We find opportunities to recognize beauty in life, engage in interesting activities and continue on our journey. I still talk to Laura in my house frequently. I tell her, "Good morning" when I awake and at night before I go off to sleep I say, "I love you immensely and I miss you greatly. Good night." In the first year or two of her passing, she often came to me in dreams with a big beaming smile. Sometimes the dream would occur right before awakening in the morning and it would be extremely vivid. I kept a diary and recorded all of these experiences. I knew she was in a pleasant state of contentment. Her dream presence was telling me that...and over the months and years I continued to heal.
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your husband. I lost my own husband 2 days before Valentine's Day in 2014. I received a call at about 10pm and thought it was him calling to let me know he was on his way home from work. Unfortunately, it was a paramedic asking me if I was his Mrs. and informing me that he'd suffered a massive cardiac arrest and that they were working on him. I awoke next to my husband that morning and his eyes were closed, as he started work later and was still sleeping. The next time I saw him was on a gurney, behind a curtain in the emergency room of a hospital. His eyes were closed, but he was gone. He expired just minutes before I was able to get to him less than an hour later. My husband had just turned 51 a couple of weeks before his last day. I was still 50 when he passed.
There is a saying that goes, "You don't get over grief, you distract yourself from it." From my own experience, I have found that to be the case. You never really get over it but simply learn to function better and keep the grief in a safe place inside of you so that you can function and keep going with your own life. Just as no two births are exactly the same, no two deaths are either. There are similarities and pieces that we can relate to and that blessing enables us to understand and lend support to those who have suffered a loss such as ours.
Many will offer advice and speculate on what they perceive to be best for you but, trust yourself as your own best resource. My own two or more cents are to keep hydrated, cry when you need to and seek out healing individuals who are willing to listen and offer genuine help with the minutiae of life. This journey is not an easy one and there is no manual or map. Some days/moments will be better than others and this path is anything but a straight line. Just when you think you are feeling better about things, something may take hold of you unexpectedly and you may feel like you are back at day one.
A lot of people don't necessarily know how to act or what to say when it comes to communicating with someone whom has experienced the loss of a spouse and/or loved one. Fair warning, some comments and actions may come across as callous and downright stupid.
Wishing you strength and courage in your journey.