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I'm sorry to hear that.  It's sucks planning your whole lives together, expecting to grow old with each other.  You are so strong to keep going for your children.  I'm a mess staying at home and avoiding everybody, it's so hard for me to accept my new reality.

Hi, this is Becky. I am new to the site so hello to you all. I was widowed 3.5 years ago. I miss my husband dearly. We have two young boys. The younger one was not even a year and half old when my darling passed away. I hardly remember the first year of my loss. It is nearly all blank but i am into 4th year now even though it is still very tough to deal with, i have a bit of normality in my life. Life is never the same and never will be. It is just so hard to see my kids without their dad who they adored. Kids being picked up at school by their dads when god knows how my kids feel every day because of that. This is only one simple example. It is a wound that will never ever recover but i have to deal with it as i have no choice. My older son looks into my eyes to see if they are red or watery from time to time because he knows, bless him. I try not to show my sorrow but kids have such pure hearts, they feel it. I changed the country i lived in(back to my home country), changed my career altogether so i can be more flexible with my kids. A few weeks ago i was so down again, started searching a network where i could share my pain. There i found this. While i was in London, i was with a grieving organization and had a counselling once  a week and sometimes we all widowed women used to get together and cry our hearts out. It was good. Even if i cannot see any of you, it is always good to know there are hell lot of people going through the same pain who would be the only ones how it feels when you lose your other half. 

Nice to be here

Good night (well from Turkey at least..)

B

Hi. I just joined the WV. I lost my wife in May, after she had cancer for 3 years.  Now it is me solo with two teens and a 9yo. 

We are getting involved with some grief support thru church and community. 

Hello,

   I am new here.  I lost my husband last July to a blood clot.  We were married for 13 years, together for almost 14.  He was in the military and deployed a few times while we were together.  That was the hardest issue I had once he was gone.  It felt like another deployment and I believe it has stunted my grieving.  Well, a few years ago he was diagnosed with a lung condition contracted on one of his deployments.  He was being treated and sometimes he was better other's worse.  A year before he passed he started getting worse and worse.  We tried everything the doctors suggested.  Then May 2017 he ended up in the ER turns out he had had a heart attack.  We live in a small town with a small town hospital so he was sent to the city for treatment.  Turned out all his valves were blocked 100%, 98% 95% and 88% blocked.  The doctors kept saying they didn't know how he was still alive.  They didn't understand how he survived the heart attack.  It made no sense to them.  They gave him less than a 10% chance of surviving bi-pass surgery.  They told me to prepare for the worst.  He did survive though, with flying colors.  A week in ICU and regular recovery care and he was released to go home.  Turned out he had a genetic condition that was exasperated by the same thing that damaged his lungs.  What gets me is not one doctor suggested anything could have been wrong with his heart.  Not one in 4 years, with all the tests he had done not one said anything about his heart.  I have a lot of what-ifs and guilt on this subject, irrational though they may be.  

So he made it home, 4 follow up appointments where they said he was healing amazingly well. And we counted our blessings.  And then I found him collapsed on our bedroom floor.  There was no saving him, they told me it was a blood clot in the heart.  2 months after his bi-pass surgery, 2 weeks after his last follow up where they told him to resume normal activities and don't come back for 6 months unless something was wrong.  And the day after he convinced me there was nothing more to worry about.  I was devastated, still am.  Our kids who were so happy and well adjusted are no longer that.  Everyone I know seems to think since I am young I will move on easily and find someone else.  I hate this life.  I used to be a happy, optimistic person, now I'm not.  The things that used to make me happy, I'm no longer interested in.  I have always been a bit of a hermit and am even more so now.  I am depressed, have anxiety attacks, I'm irritable all the time.  I honestly do not know how to be happy anymore.  

A blood clot is something that can't always be predicted.  My husband died from complications from an ischemic stroke that he had a month to the day after the first of two planned cerebral bypass surgeries.  I think that when a procedure that is risky is successful, there tends to be a lack of communication about what the potential pitfalls are.  The thing about ANY kind of bypass, whether cardiac or cerebral, is that a clot can be devastating.  I would think that your husband would have been put on a blood thinner like warfarin or Xarelto, or at least an aspirin a day.  In my husband's case, he was supposed to take aspirin (he didn't) and keep hydrated (he didn't).  In my husband's case, he drank two 64-ounce bottles of tomato juice in the three days before his stroke.  Tomato juice is rich in Vitamin K, which is a coagulant.  So it could be said that he brought on his own death with this.  

It can be hard to know when your spouse is in crisis what questions to ask.  I have some medical knowledge from working on oncology clinical trials, and when all the post-op care we were told about was wound care, it didn't occur to me to ask some of those questions.  If you DON'T have medical knowledge, you would have no idea what to ask.

The second-guessing of both myself and the medical information we were given, as well as the fact that the local hospital my husband was first taken to allowing him to be on constant seizures before sedating him, are the hardest things for me to get past.  But here's the thing -- we make the best decisions and do the best we can at the time, when we are in a mindset of fear and freak-out.  And medicine isn't perfect.  Doctors are not gods.  They do amazing things, but they are not deities.  They look at things through their own perspective just as we do, and sometimes they omit information that we might find helpful.  Sometimes stuff just happens.  It can be hard to let go of these "woulda shoulda couldas", but to do otherwise will drive you nuts.  You are still very new in this journey and it will take a while, perhaps a long while, and a lot of repeating what happened over and over again in your mind and to your friends.  That is part of the healing and acceptance process, and also part of our own self-care.

I agree with this!  We had a discussion awhile back about wouldas, couldas, shouldas… everyone had a few.  I'd spent my husband's last hours mostly in the kitchen on my computer (including writing his obituary), occasionally going back in to check on him and reading aloud from The Book of Common Prayer.  If I'd known those were his last hours... but I didn't.  The truth is, we didn't know.  Even the medical profession doesn't have all the answers.  Tomorrow I'm going to a memorial service for a guy who died a week after the doctors estimated he had 3 to 8 months to live.  

You loved him and you did the best you could with the information you had.  That's all anyone can ask.

Hello JWick

I'm sorry. 

I'm almost at the 2year mark. It does get better. One day, you won't even notice it happening but you realize that the pain is less than before. The pain is always there but it moves from the foreground more to the background and you recognize yourself actually functioning and getting things done. 

I've really benefited from in-person grief support groups but this site is excellent.  Even though you're in a small town you may want to check for groups through the hospital, hospice or church. You don't have to be a member or patient etc to participate. 

There really is nothing like not having to explain your pain to a group of caring individuals.  We are here for you.

Laura

Hi, I Lost my husband on the 3rd of May as I told you guys, and now I have lost my constant canine companion of 11 years. He was having siezures and I had to make the difficult decision to have him put down. I loved him too much to let it go on. Now all I want to do is sleep. I am just numb losing them both withing three . months. I am just lost.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I too lost our family dog 3 months after my husband.  We had him for 10 years and he was the best dog we had ever owned.  It felt like hit after hit kept coming.

i'm so sorry for your loss. i lost my husband on March 5 and a month later our cat had to be put to sleep: she had breast cancer. she was 15 years old. just re-opens those raw wounds. 

=Raises hand= 

Also a member of the beloved-pet-after-the-spouse club.  I had to put my cat Maggie, who was like my baby, down after three vets could not definitively identify what was wrong with her.  After having to remove my husband from life support only 3 months earlier, I was feeling like the angel of death at that point.

My DH passed away Dec. 1, 2015.  Early February 2016 I was diagnosed with uterine cancer (had breast cancer in 1994).  Here I was alone....my neighbor took me and stayed when I had my D & C, but when hysterectomy was required I had to ask my 45 y/o son to come as I wasn't asking my neighbor to be the responsible one again.  There is something wrong with your son talking with your oncology surgeon about ovaries and uterus.

Tomorrow morning I have an echocardiogram scheduled and a good friend who was a cardio nurse is taking me.  She will have sons' name and phone number is case something goes wrong.

Needless to say : I HATE THIS.  It's my DH that is supposed to be here for me now, not neighbors, friends or son.  And to lay cancer on my shoulders 2 months after DH died was almost more than I could handle.

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