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Good morning...at least its morning where I'm at.  

I just happened on this site..  I was looking for articles on changing your last name back to maiden name after the death of a spouse and found some articles on here about the very subject. 

My husband RI was diagnosed with cancer just after his 40th birthday.  I was 34.  He passed away 3 weeks after our 17 year wedding anniversary.  He was diagnosed in July of 2016 and passed away in March of 2017.  

We have 2 children.  A now 10 year old and now 6 year old.  My 6 year old doesn't really remember him much except that he was sick and in the hospital a lot.  My 10 year, being older, has more memories and felt the loss much harder.  

I've been dating a wonderful man for the past 9 months.  Fast, I know but it just happened and we clicked.  Both of my kids just love him and my 10 year old has taken to him much better than I thought possible.  He has a child of his own and all the kids get along wonderfully.  

Sometimes I feel terrible about moving forward with my life so quickly and several of my late husbands family have completely stopped speaking to me because I started dating so soon after he passed away.  People don't know the conversations that take place behind closed doors and everyone, I feel, heals and grieves at their own pace.  When I see my kids happy, laughing and being kids again, I feel like I did make the right choice.  I am happy, laughing and loving life again as well.  

I look forward to future conversations with this group.  Thank you. 

Hi obsessedwcoffee81 (I like that : ).\ It is afternoon here on the east coast, but I will wish you good morning.

I'm glad you found the site. I'm sorry for what you, your husband, and your children have gone through at such young ages.

It is really no one's business that you found a companion. I think we all tend to pass judgement when we have no right to do so. I lost a niece two months before my husband died in July of 2016 and her widower is now engaged. I had a difficult time with that until I saw how happy he was. He is not tarnishing his wife's memory, but expressing how happy he was in his marriage by being willing to re-enter those vows with someone he was so fortunate to find.

I'm glad that things click with your children. That helps immensely. I am a bit curious about the name change. I've not heard of anyone changing their last name due to the loss of their husband. Usually only in the case of divorce. Maybe others can weigh in on that.

Hugs to you.

so i'm finally getting around to saying hello.  my wife, best friend, partner, helper, barber, and taxi service, crossed over june this yr. this was the 3rd marriage for us both, and this one was going to be the last. well didnt go as we had hoped. had about 8 yrs together, the last 10 months she was fighting the stupid cancer. i worked from home a bunch of that time.  still feel like i should have been her more.  we opted for home hospice care. which after going through it, i would recommend it to anyone.  it was the only one thing I COULD fix. to let her go in peace and as much comfort i could give, and not be stuck in some hospital somewhere.  she was at home.  we had no kids together, but theres 5 between us from the prior marriages.  Now i'm left dealing with her kids by myself...and I dont like it.  I tell ya, there's something wrong with step kids.  must be. 

this loss, is very close to the pain i had felt and endured when my 1st wife left while i was at work one day.  I had no idea, i knew times were tough, and there was a little tension, with the new born and what not. But no idea she was going to leave. Well, i was the one still in love....and when i finally heard from her mom, she wasnt coming home.....ever.  Yeah, was a bad day. took a very long many yrs to deal with that.  now here i am again, only it's WAY WORSE this time.  I really thought we'd live a good while. And also figured i'd go way before she did. nope.  just alone inside and out.   

A loss is a loss.  When I ended my last relationship recently, it opened up the wound of my husband's passing.  There is just no way around it......

My husband of 48 years died on June 27, 2018.  He had been diagnosed with ALZ 1 1/2 ago and suddenly went into delirium on May 24th.  After a month in the psych ward he spent 3 days in hospice before passing away.  We had been together since we were in high school.  While we had talked about the ALZ, this was so sudden that I still haven't come to terms with it.  We loved each other and told each other every day how much.  I am lost and I know this is normal.  Some days I can keep it together until bedtime but today, for some reason has been hard.  He usually stopped in my office a couple of times a day and this morning, one of the men working here opened the door and I could just see his shirt and for a minute I thought it was Dave.  A couple of weeks ago I fell asleep on the couch and when I work up I thought, Oh, I have just had the worst dream, but it was just a dream before reality set in.  I guess I just want to follow along on other peoples journeys and see if all of these feelings are normal.

I can't sleep in our bed, the smallest things bring about this sadness that just takes over.  I want to touch anything that I know he has touched, like his toothbrush, his wallet. 

Sorry that we are all here.

Sandya, Condolences and hugs; you are "fresh".  Follow along, but don't look for or expect "normal".  There's no such thing when it comes to the grief experience.  Everyone will experience their loss differently and "heal" at different rates.  May the Good Lord sustain you through yours.

norm

Welcome to this wonderful web site.  I read it on & off.  Yes, it's very painful - but this is indeed a community.  It is my prayer that you will find some comfort here. 

Sandya, I am glad that you found us. My condolences to you on your recent loss. Don't expect too much from yourself or to try and determine what may be "normal." Everyone has their own normal, meaning you feel what you feel, when you feel it. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Your husband would have wanted that.

Those things he touched contain his essence, so that is something many of us do as well.

Hugs and much peace to you.

Sandya, I lost my Helen on June 30th 2017, and after 48 years of marriage, and even now when I wake up each morning I have that initial "surprise!!" that I am on my own. I miss her so much and still feel "lost" and whilst things are a little easier its still so hard without her.  I do have good times when out with friends and family and at those times I suppose I am happy somewhat.  But what I do find different is that I can more regularly remember our good times together. There was always that thing that people say "remember the good times", for the first 10 months or so all I could remember was those last few agonising weeks, but now I can and do remember the fantastic times we had and that does give me some consolation and I must say joy reminiscing on our wonderful time together. So so sorry for losing your Dave and I wish you strength and love in the coming months and years.

Ray

Hi, I just joined this site, though I admit I am not always sure if there is a place I belong. I am a "widow," but my husband was a scary, abusive alcoholic who committed suicide 7 weeks ago. He used a gun that since, I have wondered was actually meant for me. It has been a crazy range of emotions. From feeling lonely and lost and missing him, to hating him, to feeling lucky. I have 3 children and I am pretty sure we are in for a long road. There is a heaviness in this that sits on my shoulders a lot. My therapist has urged me to go to group therapy, but I don't feel I quite fit in them. I also struggle a lot with the fact that so many of his friends have no idea what the reality of our life was. And I feel like I am supposed to be acting a certain way that is a bit of a lie, if that makes sense. Anyways I am rambling the things that run in my head constantly. Thank you for listening and it is nice to meet all of you and I am so very sorry for the loss you have experienced.

Wow. Yes your situation is a lot more complicated and tragic than a lot of others. But I am hoping you can find some common ground here and at very least some sympathetic ears.  

About his his friends that have no idea -- maybe you need to leave them behind and find some new healthy friendships of your own.  

Welcome, AngieK, and I'm sorry you had to join us.  Although I had a very happy marriage with my second husband Ron, who died in November, 2016, I was also married to a scary, abusive alcoholic the first time. He died 13 years after we divorced as a result of his drinking.  My son, who now has two little girls of his own, says the oldest (age 4) is asking about "Grandpa Walter". It's really forced me to focus on what I want her to know and to remember of him.   I put together a set of pictures of him and my son and DIL agree with the plan that I'll show them to my granddaughter and tell her the good things for right now- that he was very smart, that he loved to read, that he liked fishing, etc.   They do want to tell her and her siblings the truth when it's appropriate.

Which is my long-winded way of saying that it's OK to feel relieved that he's not around to intimidate you anymore but also mourn for what was lost and what HE lost.  People will realize that he was troubled if he took his own life.  You don't need to go into any other details- if you feel comfortable with saying so, you can volunteer that he was a troubled man and you hope he's at peace now.  It's a delicate balancing act with kids, too- they have half his genes.  They know the bad stuff but they also need to know of whatever good things you remember that brought/kept you together so they understand that they can take a different path.  My son doesn't drink at all- neither does my DIL.  My Ex was an extravagant spender and ran up credit card debts.  They're frugal.  My Ex was unemployed the last 5 years of the marriage.  My son very proudly supports the family on his salary.  OK, I'm talking about myself again- but I want to give you hope that it's possible for your kids to get through this and thrive.

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