I've been lurking a bit and decided its time to introduce myself.
I lost my husband Aug. 1, 2016. He battled pancreatic cancer for 20 months. We had just celebrated 21 years of marriage, 25 together. On the 6 month anniversary of his diagnosis, he was able to walk our daughter down the aisle and dance at her wedding. Two months later he made it to our sons graduation. Our youngest turned 12 just 3 weeks after he died. We had almost two good years after his diagnosis. He was able to stop working, we traveled, we laughed, we enjoyed our kids. But we never, never talked about him dying. He was not going to let that happen. At the time I thought, what difference does it make if he doesn't face it. It's going to happen and I'll be left to pick up the pieces. Now, 2 years later, I wish I'd tried harder to talk about it.
Here I am, 9 days into year 3. Wondering if it will be different. Wonder where I'm headed. Turned 50 a few months ago. No idea what 50 alone is supposed to look like. Feel so very old, but in some ways, still feel too young to even be a mom in charge all alone. I'm hoping year 3 is a time I can move beyond just surviving and start living a bit.
I've found lots and lots of joy in the last two years. Always with a shadow of sadness hanging right behind it, but the sadness is getting less. The joy and laughter getting stronger. Needless to say, I miss him terribly, but I do everything I can to make sure I'm living the life he would have wanted, and taking care of our kids the way he expected. I take the kids on lots of trips to places he loved. We stay busy, and they seem happy. That makes me smile, because I know he would.
I only know one other widow. An old friend from HS, she lives in a different state. She's dealing very differently then I am. I've read so many posts here and thought, YES! Exactly, thats what I think too!! It's good to know I'm not the only one thinking and feeling things.
Well, thats enough rambling, sorry. Look forward to 'meeting' you and getting to know you.