Introducing myself....my husband passed away on July 17, 2018 after a very brief (3 week) illness. He was a very "young" 65 year old who walked 4-5 miles every day and truly enjoyed life. He had been retired for 4 years and our plan was I was going to retire this December. We had so many plans for our "old age" together....so many places we were going to go, house projects we were going to do and places we were going to volunteer. We were married for almost 38 years and I miss him more than words can express. I am lonely, scared, over-whelmed, sad...
I don't think in-person grief support groups would be a good fit for me so I have decided to try this on-line group. When we received his diagnosis and we both knew he would not have much time, I promised him I would be OK....I'm just trying to figure out how to keep that promise.
Thanks for listening/reading.
JB, I understand totally how you feel and I am so sorry that you lost your husband so suddenly. My husband, Phil, was 56 when he passed away on 31 March 2017 after a 7 week illness. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on 3 February. Phil had been retired for 4 years from the police force but had a little part time job which he planned to retire from in March 2017 so that we too could enjoy lovely villa holidays abroad and breaks in the UK as well. We had been married for 36 years and have two grown up children . Our daughter still lives at home and our son lives only a two minute drive away so we have been looking after each other. I know exactly what you are going through, life will never ever be the same and you wonder how you can carry on. it is now 17 months since that terrible day and I would describe myself as just surviving, going from day to day, with nothing to look forward to anymore as without Phil, life is so hard. We were looking forward to years together enjoying life, as you imagined for yourselves, and it is so cruel that our husbands have been taken away from us. Do you have any children, friends or family, who are looking out for you? It does help to speak to people on this site as it is only people who have been through loss who understand how we are feeling so I hope you find comfort from friends on here.
So very sorry for your loss. I understand your feelings of being scared, lonely, over-whelmed, and sad because I have felt and still feel those same emotions. I have been a widow for 17 months now. I don't want to go so far as to say it gets easier, but it becomes more manageable, especially in terms of acceptance. I lost my husband of 30 years quite suddenly, but I know he would not want me to give up on life. I am determined to have a positive attitude. I had a great experience in the in-person widow groups that I have joined this past year and a half--I have also met great people online who can relate to what it means to have lost your spouse. It sucks, but I am still here, and I want to be a good role model for my two older children. I am seeing a grief / life transition coach, who has been very helpful also. I am beginning to see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. Practice self-care and take this time to grieve. You will figure it out.....
Thank you both for your replies. I am so sorry for your losses but truly appreciate your words of experience and wisdom. My reaction has been to withdraw from everyone and I know this is not healthy. Our adult son moved back home 2 years ago for financial reasons and he is still living here but he works nights and gets up after I have gone to bed and comes home after I have left for work in the mornings so we don't see each other much. I have gone back to work but by the time I leave the office I can barely make it to the car before the tears start. I don't like to cry in front of others so I hold the tears in until I am alone. I have gotten some books on grieving and am trying journaling. I will now add becoming active on this forum as a way to reach out to others who "get it". As devastated as I am, there is still a small spark of determination to figure this out.
I cannot do this anymore
What does that mean Lost? I know the loss seems stifling right now. Fate has dealt us an awful hand for sure.
Do you have family or friends that you can trust and lean on? Sometimes it is not those that you would expect to be your support, but instead those that have been through it and understand. I wish I had more sage words of advice. Sometimes words seem vapid.
Please let us know what we can do for you.
Lost, your posting resonates with me. Today is 2 months since my husband passed away and I was just thinking (as I sat on the couch crying after a rough day at work) I don't know if I can do this the rest of my life. But, somehow, we have got to figure it out. I noticed you are also in the "born in the 60's" group so you are probably close to my age. I never imagined myself a widow (someone else had blogged how much they hate that word...I do too) at the age of 57 but here I am. This is not the life path we had planned but it is what we have. So, one day at a time, one minute at a time we will figure it out. If you don't have anyone to reach out to, continue to reach out to this group. There is a lot of understanding, wisdom and, dare I say it, hope on this forum.
Hello. I am new to this site and "widowhood" in general. My boyfriend of two years died at the beginning of September. We were both independent and skeptical of relationships at the start, but we just clicked after finding each other on Match.com. He was smart, sarcastic, talented, and my best friend. He worked extremely hard to take over a dental practice, while still making time to nerd out with me about a video game or take off for a weekend concert. He was obsessed with politics, science, and guitars. He could be a genius in the kitchen, but filled the house with smoke as often as I do. In the last six months, I knew he really loved me, and we talked about our careers, the adventures we were going to have, the life we wanted to live together. Every day I was amazed to have found my person, and I felt so lucky and optimistic about the direction we were going. Neither of us wanted to rush getting a house together or getting married (we were both incredibly busy at work, and he had just taken on a huge financial burden to become a business owner). He was so happy, and had accomplished so much just recently.
He died without warning. He stopped answering my calls, and I thought nothing of it until the next day. I drove to his house and found the place flooded. He'd had a heart attack in the shower, and it was far too late for me to do anything. I am 29, and he was only 33. The following weeks have been unbearable. I had to help pack up or throw out all of his things until his parents could drive in from out of state. I had to communicate with the property owner and detectives. I had to fly back to his hometown, where we've visited twice, for the funeral service. I've had all of his friends and family contacting me, asking "Why?" and telling me how much he loved me and clearly wanted to marry me. I feel like I can't leave the house or go to work without experiencing his absence. I've been binge-watching Netflix and crying on my couch every morning. By the evening, I just feel empty and I hate myself for trying to think of the future and "moving on."
I'm sorry for oversharing, but I really need someone to talk to.
I'm so very sorry for your shocking and sudden loss. While none of us wants to be a part of this club, I'm so very glad that it exists. You'll find lots of support here, folks who can talk to you and more importantly, listen when you need to talk. As wonderful, thoughtful and supportive our friends and family are, until they have had a loss like ours, it's tough for them to get it. It's still so fresh for you, you're just raw right now. I remember the early days after I lost my husband, I sat on the sofa with my dogs, binge watching (well only half watching - really just had it on for back ground noise) Gilmore Girls on Netflix. You can't hate yourself for thinking about the future, life will go on and eventually you'll jump back onto the wagon. Just give yourself all of the time you need, be patient and kind to yourself. You'll never get over this but you will get through it and in the meantime, just keep swimming... hugs to you Jinnea
Thank you so much for the kind words.
My name is Susan ( BajaSusana) I live in La Paz, Baja California Sur.
My sweet husband of 36 years died on July 27th. After a year of being sick and in pain, he looked at his future and refused treatment. He was in the hospital here in La Paz. I had to fend off well meaning nurses, but they let him die without pain and in peace.
His birthday September 27 will mark two months. I am 68 this would have been his 83rd birthday. Until this year, no one would have guessed his age by his looks or behavior.
We had talked frankly about his dying, and I thought that I was prepared. All of you know, that you cannot be prepared for the loss of someone that you love. I feel as if my heart and lungs have been ripped from my body.
Our friends and his colleagues have been wonderful. And there was a lovely memorial for him at the institute where he worked until two years ago.
Now I am learning to be alone, and to live life mindfully and fully. He made the choice not to have further treatment to be pain free and to relieve me from the burden of caring for him. This gift will not be squandered.
I am an atheist, so please do not offer prayers or statements about god or an afterlife.