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Hello everyone, thank you for allowing me sacred space to be part of this community.  I've been reading while waiting for access, and I am honored to read your stories.

I lost my Stephen in August of 2018.  He was diagnosed with multiple myeloma a few months prior, had surgery to remove an invasive tumor on his spine, and had just completed his first round of chemo.  He was in his off week.  I awoke one morning to find him unresponsive.  Rushed to ER with extremely high heart rate, fever, and pneumonia.  This quickly lead to sepsis, and less than 48 hours later, we let him go.  I am blessed that I had the opportunity to be with him until the end, with my hand on his heart.  

I am in a better place now than I was then.  I still have moments of grief, but they're softer now.   I harbor no anger or regrets.  I am able to reflect on our life with deep gratitude for having had the almost 10 years with Stephen that I did.  Odd as it may sound, his passing has made me a better person.  I live with more gratitude and love. I don't sweat the small stuff.   I try to find good in everyone I encounter.  His life and his death have graced me with a better me.

I'll always love him, and I'll always miss him.  But I know his spirit is with me and always will be.  That gives me strength.

~Shirley

Ciao Shirley... What's your secret ? You are so extraordinarily peaceful and positive about your loss... Something that i'm trying to find in me everyday but i can't...i'm still grieving and missing him heavily...it's wonderful to know that's it possible  even in the first Years...that there is a way to let go this awful pain...thanks for share your great experience... A big hug ciao roxi

Hi Roxi, thank you for your kind words.

The first few months were awful.  Inability to eat or sleep and I was on medication for anxiety.  But I was never filled with anger or what ifs.  I actually thought myself weird for not feeling those.....

The pivotal point was a book I happened upon about afterlife. Then I participated in an online webinar with a group on this subject which included a guest spiritual medium.  All I mentioned in the chat is that I had lost my husband three months prior.  Later in the webinar,  I had an impromptu reading, without participating on my end via audio or video.  The result of that was stunning and undeniable.  There was a distinct shift in my consciousness.  (My apologies if this sounds a bit "woo woo.")

Trust me, I have my moments of grief and lonliness, have been through all of the firsts except his transition anniversary coming up in August.  

I live my life knowing Stephen's spirit and energy are eternally connected to mine.  That in itself gives me strength.

Hugs, ~Shirley 

Roxi & Shirley,

There are major differences in grief from death due to natural causes & unnatural causes. Anticipated death is due to natural causes. Sudden natural death is from a  heart attack, anuerysm, etc. [Sudden] unnatural death is categorized as homicide, suicide, accident. Of the 3, the latter will most often cause trauma & complicated grief. The former is a natural gradual progression toward death that can involve the death process, regardless, of hope, medical error &/or if it occurs within hours, days, weeks or months - everyone is aware death it is inevitable ...

There is also a major difference between complicated grief & difficulties w/grief ...

As well as a difference between a flashback & reoccurring memories. A flashback is caused by trauma. A reoccurring memory is a natural part of the grief process ...

Hope this helps to get some understanding of "why" everyone grieves differently" ... 

Thanks Lisa... You're right...we are so different...and our life is so different...hope i can find my relief...ciao Roxi

Hello, my name is Debi.  My husband Randy died of a sudden heart attack 3/2/19.  We were together since I was 16, married at 20, for 41 years.  He was my best friend and we had a great marriage, having gotten through some rough times years ago.  I am glad for this site; even just reading has helped me.  

My name is Mark. I’m 62 years old. On April 26th 2017 my wife passed away due to a heart attack. She been in poor health since 2006. Had half her stomach removed due to a bleeding ulcer. Complications seen them replace her full blood volume twice in two weeks. Also caused a finger amputation due to low blood volume. Medication caused osteoporosis and anemia. She had two partial hip replacements during that time. Finally  the medication took it’s toll. She said she couldn’t believe we made it to 60 one day and the next morning she was gone. My life has not been mine since 2006 and when I thought it couldn’t get worse, she passed after 29 years of marriage. Two years later I still feel lost. I don’t know how to do this. Doing it alone isn’t helping. I thought the site would help. I waited a long time and when seeking professional help, no one calls me back. Still have some bad days. For some strange reason it’s usually a Monday when it hits me. I’ll be ok though. It’s all I know. I have to be. I’m getting use to the realization that I’ll most likely be alone for the rest of my life. I have no idea how to start over and it’s been over two years now. Our life wasn’t suppose to be like this. I know I’m not the only one going through it or that had to go through it. It’s life.

Mark

Mark:

I was 62  when my wife died 3 years ago. It was and maybe still is unbearable but I'm still here. Seems like many people recover within a reasonable period of time hope you are one. Just watch out for those that don't have your best interest at heart. Rich

Thanks Rich,

The hard part now is not knowing where I fit in. Been out of the normal world for a long time. Our vacation sites were hospitals, doctors offices or pharmacies while others traveled the world. I don’t even know how or if I should date again. 

Mark,

Glad you found the site. I hear what you're saying: I thought things were going well after the first two years, and then had a massive crash-and-burn during my third year, so I returned. Things have "improved a bit" since then, but I still have my moments. I've been a widower for eight years now, and still unattached. [Dating as a teen was bad enough. I've concluded that dating at this age is even a bigger minefield. You can handle this aspect if/when you want to do so.] Judith died in July 2011, when I was 54. 

Hope you fins some solace/strength here.

John

Mark I lost Helen 30 June 2017, just 2 years from her cancer diagnosis. I am getting to the point when a lot of days have good in them but too easily pulled back into, not really bad days, but not so good days. After 50 years together I don't expect (or need) anything better but keep hoping.  A lot of the pain has gone but the loneliness lingers. I am so thankful for the friends I have, the family are great but they are hurting as bad (or more) than me, but my friends keep me sane. No you are not alone Mark but WW has been a real escape for me and just talking to you gives a little lift. As you say "its life" but we can help each other. Ray

Hello everyone.  My name is Jeff and I live in NJ with my 8 year old son, who is going into 3rd grade this year.  I will be 48 in September. 

I lost my wife Kim of 16 years (together for 19) on 7/24/19 after a 7 year battle with what started out as a rare kidney disease called FSGS.  Went on dialysis for 6 months.  She had a transplant 5 years ago And was doing okay for a while, getting past an initial rejection about 3 months in; but the anti-rejection meds really took a toll on her over time.  She rejected again in 12/2018 and was never the same after that.  She got to the point she needed another round of dialysis and had to have a few minor surgeries to prepare for it.  She had 3 dialysis treatments in between 2 surgical procedures and the stress was too much on her body.  As far as I can tell she did pass peacefully in her sleep; my son and I got to exchange goodbyes with her, even if we thought it was for the day as he was going to camp and I to work.

If there is a silver lining, it's that both of us got used to her not being an active part of the family.  For the most part I have already been a single parent for awhile.  We did a lot as a family when she was first diagnosed, but my son doesn't remember most of it, because he was so young when she was diagnosed; he only remembers her being sick. And this was her greatest sorrow until the end. 

Luckily we have support also.  Her parents live nearby and my FIL does whatever he can so I can go to work.  He has a special bond with my son that I do not want to break. My MIL is a typical PITA and we never see the same page.  My parents live about 1.5 hrs away so while they offered, there is not much they can do easily.  School and parents have been very supportive as well.

I found this site from a life-long friend whose husband lost his first wife and recommended that I check it out.

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