I am 2 months out, married 29 1/2 years, husband died suddenly & unexpectedly from cardiac arrest. Have a son, sophomore in college, who is dorming but close enough for me to visit. (I go 2 xs a week). Mostly my family lives away, in-laws family are creeps, have some good supportive friends but others not too good. Even supportive people have so much going on (are busy busy busy) which I don’t. Belong to one GriefShare group which I don’t really believe in all the beliefs but I like the group because they’re supportive & give me something to do one night a week. I like Mary’s “get out and enjoy life.” I’ve decided that I want another long term relationship & that would be a way for me to move forward. I’m joining a website soon, today or tomorrow, that is for both platonic friendships & relationships. (I want & need both). I am in no rush, I wish to take things very slow, that’s why I’m registering now. Loneliness and being alone are terrible things. I could never imagine how losing your spouse feels. I also like reading about other widows & widowers & either supporting them or being supported by them.
It does take some time to get used to the new normal. I just passed the 1 year mark. I try to stay active, volunteering, exercising. I also take myself out for lunch or dinner. I'm thinking about joining some local Meet Up groups to increase my circle of activities. I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a club none of us wanted to join.
My name is Olga, I am 43. English is my second language, my first is Afrikaans. I am from South Africa. My husband (43) passed away suddenly on May 16th, it will be 6 months this Saturday. We were together 22 years. 180 Days ago I was a housewife and mother (3 kids: 15, 9, 7), helping out in my husbands business from time to time. He wasn't feeling well, had the flu, spent the day in bed while I went to the office to make sure things ran smoothly. I came by the house before I fetched the kids from school and he was sleeping. I brought the kids home, checked in on him, checked the smallies' homework, made sure they bathed and had supper, checked on him again, he didn't feel like eating. About 45 minutes later our 15 yr old daughter came to tell me that something was wrong, and he was gone. We suspect that he had a heart attack in his sleep.
Life as we knew it somersaulted and everything got turned upside down. He was my rock, my best friend, father to my kids, my person. All of a sudden I found myself being business owner, breadwinner, single mother, widow and executor of his estate. The only way to eat an elephant is taking one bite at a time, I get that. It kind of sucks that we got the arse end first, but hopefully when we're done with the shitty part life will become sweeter again. I haven't really had the 'privilege' of grieving. I threw myself into business with the excuse that my kids need to eat, which they do, but I kind of feel like I messed up. I'm tired and lonely and I'm not really coping. I tried to juggle everything on my own. Asking for help has never been something that I've been good at. Initially we had a lot of support, but as time went on people started focusing more on their own lives again. In the last 6 months I have come to realize that the people I thought would always have my back won't and people that I thought didn't know of my existence has been there for us. But they don't understand. They don't hear my little man praying that when Daddy is done with Jesus' work he must please come home. They don't get my teens' anger and they didn't have to pick up my 'tween when she collapsed during an athletics competition because "Daddy is never going to see me run again". They don't dread going to bed at night, the bed that he died in, and try to sleep. He was a diabetic and had had an operation on his leg two years ago. It didn't heal properly. We spent thousands of Rands on different medications, the skin never completely closed. At night, in my sleep, I would put my foot out and touch his. If it was hot I knew that he needed meds, my brain would wake me up and I would wake him to make sure he took his anti-biotics. I was so focused that maybe he would lose his leg that I didn't see this coming. 6 Months in and I still find myself waking up because my foot went to his side of the bed and he's not there. I still find myself reaching for his hand.
I motor on, but I'm exhausted.
I chose the name because the Afrikaans version is Botterblom (roughly translated as butterflower) and that was his nickname for me.
Olga, I am so very about the untimely death of your husband. You and your children are dealing with a lot, which I certainly don’t need to tell you. It sadly sounds like your support system has many holes in it. I am sorry for that.
I don’t know if it would help you, as it did for me, but maybe seek out some counseling or grief support. They are trained to help you, but most important, to listen to you. Many people sadly have a tendency to dismiss your loss, especially if they haven’t been through it themselves.
Many hugs to you and your children.
Thank you for hearing me Tess. I only started seeing a counselor last week because I expected the movie version of someone letting me lie on a couch while checking their watch all the time. :)
Dear Olga, I love your swee story and send you many blessings from America! Hugs!
Hi! I am Sheryl . I am presently near grand rapids, mi, staying with my dad who is in the final stages of dementia. My wonderful husband Richard died over 2 years ago. I can't believe that much time has passed! I recently sold my home of 25 years. I am really so happy to have that behind me! It was way too much house and property for one person to take care of. I also decided I never wanted to see another snowflake, yet here I am in Michigan! Ha! Never say never! Unfortunately my father will pass soon and then I will have another year of settling an estate! I know I won't have much help from my brothers...
I am 60 and recently went on a girls fishing weekend in Florida, including snorkeling in the keys. I miss my husband Richard every day, but it gets easier. The worst part is traveling without him and not being able to share beautiful memories with him! It seems as if memories are best with a partner! I haven't yet learned to just enjoy them as much myself. But I will keep traveling. Ireland is on my bucket list!
Best wishes to you all!
Hi Sheryl, I lost Bob over 6 years ago. We had traveled for many years. I thought I could never travel on my own. My sons encouraged me to do it. I live in south Florida close to cruise ports, so it is very easy for me to cruise. I miss Bob and I always will and traveling without him is not the same. Traveling has given me confidence in myself. It will never be easy but I find it does get easier. I am glad that you have decided to enjoy your travels. Ireland is a wonderful place to visit. Peace to all.
Good morning. Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your loss. It does help to talk.
Hi Trav...sometimes it helps to talk, sometimes it doesn't...we just each need to do what helps us make it through our sadness and not feel guilty or pressured for whatever we decide. ...I just joined here too and I find it both sad and comforting to read and share stories ..I wish you peace and comfort in your memories. God Bless
Hello. I am also new to the group. I have been checking out the groups and discussions, getting a feel for the site. I am seeing a wide variety of topics and situations. I am sorry for your loss. Talking can be difficult. But I personally have found it to be positive with people who are in similar situations. Go with your gut on that. Only you know what is within your comfort zone. :)