HI! I am Mary Wilson. My husband and I started "dating" off and on in 8th grade. He was a great, compassionate, amazing person that everyone loved. In March of 2018 he was involved in a motorcycle accident. During his recovery, he developed blood clots in his legs and they moved to his lungs and heart. He went into Cardiac arrest on June 14, and we lost him. At the time, we were over the road truck drivers living out of the truck and hotels. We were rarely home. Since his passing, I have made a lot of changes. I live in a house with family, have a local job, where Im home everyday. The learning curve for me was extreme. I didnt know how to an adult without being his wife. My whole world changed. His mother, has threatened my life several times. Thats a story for a different day. Without Soaring Spirits, and Camp Widow, I would be so lost. This Journey is a rough one, and I am so thankful for these resources and the ability to connect with others that have been through this hell. Thank you all and God Bless!!!
My husband passed on March 11, 2020. The quietness is what bothers me the most. He and I have known each other since 6th grade. He always did everything for me. The loneliness is what hurts the most. I dont want to be a burden to people by asking for help. Any suggestions to help me with these feelings?
Hello AJ. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm a recent widower also and I know how bad the quiet can be. I have the TV on all the time when I'm awake and alone. And I never really much liked being alone. I also resist asking for help, but if ever there was a time to do it, this is it. Your true friends and family will be glad to help; it won't be a burden.
This is the worst time to be grieving. All the virtual channels of communication are helpful but it's not quite the same a good hug. Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge those feelings and allow yourself to feel them. Easier said than done of course.
Please know that you're not alone here at least.
I'm a recent widow (3/9/20) also. I go back and forth on wanting to reach out to friends for help. The pain is so raw sometimes that you just have to reach out and have someone help you carry that pain. This site will help, you're really not alone. We're all in the same boat. It may feel like its sinking but we'll keep it afloat. About the quietness, I listen to music. Old music from the 70's and 80's. It does help a little.
Hi I'm Craig. My real name. I attended four camp widows. I made some great friends at the camps. They are a tremendous resource for all widows. I planned to attend future camps. No more. I'll explain below.
I'm three years out. As time goes on, I find widowhood harder. Yes, I'm going through the grieving process. From initial shock of losing my wife, going through permanent widow brain (put the house keys in the microwave, WTF?), to moving forward. Yeah right. I could hardly talk to other women.
I wonder if any other widow feels like they became radioactive after they lost their loved one. I lost friends, gained a few. Women, fuggedaboutit. Most people just don't know how to deal with a widow.
As time moves on, I find myself missing the close relationship; romance, passion, friendship, holding hands, laughing, crying, enjoying each other. I sometimes tear up seeing a couple holding hands, laughing, kissing, giving the romance eyes. I wish them the best. But, I hurt.
Why no more Camp Widow? Hope. It's what the camp is all about. So many people upbeat. Being with other campers who are all in the same boat. Kudos to all of the organizers, presenters, volunteers, and campers. Enough said, Camp Widow is great. However, I'm all out of hope. I went out a few times. It was just as friends. Recently I met a woman for a drink. It turned out to be a four hour, well, date I guess. I had a wonderful time! I thought she did too. We talked, we laughed, we cried. We hugged at the end of the evening. That lasted that one, "date".
It's not the rejection. I can handle that. What tore me up was the flashbacks of how good it felt. Enjoying being with a beautiful woman. Talking, sometimes deeply. Laughing, smiling, happy eyes. Enjoying each others company. It lasted four hours. Then, it was over. It hit me how much I miss that! It also hit me how painful it was. So, I've taken the path of least pain. No more hope. Hope for what? I see all of the campers, so upbeat, so hopeful. Having a good time. Dancing and enjoying. More power to them.
The pain of hope, anticipating something MIGHT come of widowhood. The hope that never materializes. The carrot in front of the horse that it never reaches, but it keeps going. I'm liberated from hope. I don't anticipate anything. No expectations. Nothing to look forward to. Literally, one day at a time. I have fun when I can. Fun is temporary. It starts, it ends, repeat. Happiness is a whole different matter. I haven't been happy since I lost Stacey.
Why did I join the Village? No friggin' clue. Just venting I guess.
Thank you for sharing with me everyone. I am practically begging one of my kids to move back in with me to help with the loneliness. Unfortunately he just doesn't understand why I asked him even though he his sisters and I are all going through this.
Craig, I think you just articulated what would be my biggest fear about attending the Camp Widow events. Putting aside the fact that I am not fond of big crowds, I don’t think I want to witness others that are at my stage of loss (3 1/2 years), or even less that have managed to move on. Whether it be meeting someone else, or just more easily able to navigate this life on their own.
I don’t necessarily feel hopeful about the future, but I do keep faith that I am able to get through each day. Otherwise I would never surface from my bed.
I also don’t know how others move forward into a future relationship after such a loss. I don’t know if I’m jealous or feel like they couldn’t possibly have shared the love that I had with my spouse. Otherwise, how does that work?
So you see, after all these words, I have no advice for you. I am sorry. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
Hi Tess. Thank you for you thoughts. I can tell you Camp Widow is great. Widows with and for widows. My first camp was terrifying. However, so many people recognize the new campers. I guess we all have the deer in the headlights look. They approach and talk. They are very caring and are willing to assist you in the camp. They get it. They have gone through it. A lot of love and hugs. I would encourage you to attend at least once.
Interesting, you asked, "how does that work?". That is exactly what I've been asking for three years now. I sit here shedding tears. I had such a great marriage. It was as close to perfect as perfect can be. We were the couple other couples were jealous of. A strong emotional, romantic, loving relationship. I know what a real loving, strong relationship feels like. Great in so many ways. I miss that. But, how does moving forward work?
I'd like to simply have female company. I enjoy the companionship. But, so far all of the possibilities fizzled. The pain of hope kicks in knowing what I had and how good it felt. Sadly, hopelessness is less painful than hope.
I'm four years out and have no intentions of getting involved in a relationship.
Just like you Craig my marriage was great. I think the reason many couples get along so well is that their relationship formed at an early age (like their 20s, early 30s) and their common interests grew together. Each adapted to the others personality and with time that created more of a bond unique to those two individuals. That is almost impossible to recreate with a second relationship. I'm thankful for what we had together, it was a blessing.
I do have unattached female friends (Janet's friends) that stop by to go to the Diner or someplace. But I'm always happy when they go home since none can or will ever compare to Janet and it wouldn't be fair to them for me to try.
My road was different, but had the same results. A great marriage. We met later in life after sour marriages. The life lessons we learned from previous mistakes brought us together. Plus, simply, a real love was there. It wasn't there for either of us in previous marriages.
I'm fortunate to have all of my family here in town. It's small, but it's here. I have a great relationship with my in-laws. We're very close. I see them all of the time. I was surprised when my mother-in-law said I eventually may meet someone else and they would welcome her with open arms! My sister, a widow, and my nephew are here in town. We're very close. We do things together all of the time.
I have attached and unattached friends. No one calls or stops by. Admittedly. I have withdrawn socially. But, you'd think someone would reach out.
I was an outgoing, fun person. A joker. Always doing things together and with friends. I was a happy person. Somehow, I'd like to find that again. With or without someone else.
Rich, you are very wise. I never thought of it from that angle, at least not that I could discern. A mutual life that was slowly evolving and being nurtured would be difficult, if not impossible, to recreate. This, especially at this point of our seasoned life, in my mind would be a stretch.
I have lots of time for pondering, as I’m sure we all do.
You have a great way of describing things. I never felt like I was radioactive, but thought I had a big red "W" etched on my forehead instead.
If nothing else, it's nice to know that there are other guys out there who were as happy/satisfied in their marriages as I was in mine. I see nothing wrong with "just venting"--that's one of the purposes of this website. I'm at 8.666666 years, and am still figuring things out for myself. I have had drinks or coffee, dated, but nothing ever came of any of the meetings. I figure at this point, my chances of marrying again are "slim" and "none". I also "get" the frustration you're feeling. I was married for thirty years, knew Judith for five years before we married, and clearly don't get the way things work nowadays either. Thanks for posting.