Hi, my name is Aleksandra.
I found this space after losing my partner to cystic fibrosis 8 months ago. He was loved by everyone, selfless and full of life! It was a shock and 8 months later I still struggle to believe that reality is actually real. I’m 30 and he was only 34 and I’m angry with the whole world for being so unfair. I joined the community because it feels good to be understood. My friends can’t really handle me as they are all young and I’m the only one with that experience, I don’t really want to weight them down either. I felt lonely around people who couldn’t understand what I’m going through. I lost the love of my life and “Don’t worry, you are young and you will meet someone” is not what I need to hear. It’s comforting to read what other people share here, to be able to relate to it and to feel that maybe I’m not going mad. Thank you for creating that space and making it so welcoming.
I’ve read Craig’s post and the discussion that followed. I identify with a lot of things that were said about hope and hopelessness. I hope I will be able to find some new purpose in life but I also know that it won’t be anywhere close to what I had before and it won’t be a fulfillment at the same level. For now I still live one day at the time and find it too difficult to think about the future that seems so empty…
My heart goes out to Impala, AJ, Kevin and all very recent widows for whom the whole covid situation turned the grieving process into even worse nightmare. Hope you will find some support and comfort here.
Hello Alex, my heart and feelings go out to you. Sorry you are here, however it's a great community. We all get it.
Please give yourself time to grieve. It is a process that is different for everyone. No rules, no timeframe. Grief is an ultimate display of love.
Many friends won't understand. Maybe some will. Rest assured you can find some comfort and understanding in this club that no one wants to belong to. In the widow community you'll find support, personal experiences, compassion, and understanding.
You're not going mad. You are a loving, grieving person! When you do things you don't understand, are confused, dazed, we call it widow brain. It's part of how we cope with things. Why the heck did I put the car keys in the microwave? Widow brain. Take as much time as you need to process this huge change in your life.
You might want to seek counseling. Also, maybe go to Camp Widow. You'll be surprised to see (unfortunately) how many young widows attend. You can find some you can relate to. Some who are in similar situations. It can be a very uplifting experience to see you are understood and not alone.
Hugs & support to you, Craig.
Thank you Craig. My friends are not meant to understand, I'm happy for them that they don't... I tried counseling, I don't think I was able to benefit from it really, it was probably too early in my case. I will try it again when I think I'm ready. Attending Camp Widow is not as easy as I live in Europe but I was actually thinking of going to Toronto this year so who knows... Thanks and take care!
Hi I'm Allison: My husband John passed away on February 10 - right before the Corona virus. He had liver cancer, a transplant in 2016 and subsequent chemo which kept him alive another 3 1/2 years. He eventually died from respiratory issues related to the chemo in 2017 which weakened his lungs. He was a few weeks shy of 66 when he died. I am struggling with my grief being that we were married 30 years, have no children and because of the virus can't even join a bereavement group that I signed up for.
I am thankful for the support of family and friends, but everyone I know is hunkered down with at least one family member and I am alone with two dogs and a cockatoo. Of course no one gets it - but I understand - why would they?
I'm Kevin and I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband suddenly after 29 years together on March 8th. No children either; it's just me and the cat in isolation, and yes, it's lonely and scary in a way that anyone not going through it may not understand. I had signed up for a local bereavement group also but of course the meetings were already cancelled indefinitely before I could go to my first one. The group did set up virtual meetings over Zoom (video conference service). We had our first meeting yesterday and while it wasn't as good as in-person, it did help to talk with and see others going through this in real time. Do you know if your group is planning anything like this? Zoom is actually pretty easy to use, and you can join the sessions either with a computer or a smartphone.
Also look for bereavement groups on Facebook. Again, not as good as in-person, but it's the best we have right now.
Hi, Allison. I am a new widow also. My husband died August 31st of last year of bladder cancer, and a whole bunch of other things, too long and too involved to talked about here. But whatever you are feeling, we all feel . Whatever you are struggling with, we struggle with. We are all in this together. My sons have said to me that I was fortunate (????) that my husband Barry passed away before this virus thing hit, because I would not have been allowed to see him anyway. Keep this in mind. I believe those who have passed watch over us. It does not stop our tears, it does not make us feel better, but at least we know that somewhere, somehow, someplace, THEY ARE! G-d willing.
Hello I am Annie and recently lost my husband unexpectedly one month short of his 53rd birthday. Mark was a perfect balance to me. We were only married for about 6 years but it honestly felt like we were together a lifetime. There are still a lot of things I haven't wrapped my mind around and have no idea what the future holds.
I am 51 years old, currently work at a utility as a Compliance Analyst, serve in my community as often as I a can including serving as a city council representative, and my number one priority is and always has been family. I grew up in South Dakota and have lived here for all but just a handful of years. I love the Black Hills and all that this area has to offer. I have three grown children, 3 grown step-sons, and 5 grandchildren (4 step). I am currently living in the town that my husband grew up in which provides some unique opportunities and challenges now that he has passed.
This is the first time I have ever lived by myself and I am trying to figure out how to be independent while allowing those that knew and loved Mark to "help" when they can. It's a fine line especially in the times we are living in currently. I lean on family and friends whenever possible but they just cannot offer the same advice, comments, questions as a group like this does. I am grateful to have found you all.
Hi. My wife was also the flip side of the coin that was us and I'm struggling to understand what the one-sided coin that remains can/should/will look like.
We were together for a bit over 40 years. I retired early (I'm 60) so we could spend some quality time together while we were still young enough to enjoy each other. We had rented a beach house in Florida for the month of February. The day before we were to drive down (from Winnipeg) she had a fatal brain aneurysm.
Our 3 adult children have been good about checking up on the old man. They have their own lives and their own grief though. I'm not that guy who can't cook, work the dishwasher etc., in fact I did most of the cooking anyway. Still, it's hard getting used to being alone in the house.
The already bizarre post-death world got even more so with the virus. On the plus side I did reach out to one of her single friends who runs a home based hair business. I thought she might miss the daily interaction with clients so we've been going for occasional (properly distanced) walks in a large park nearby. I also cancelled a planned celebration of life because of the virus. I think that may be just as well as I really wasn't looking forward to it. People mean well but I'm tired of "sorry for your loss" etc. Also, just plain tired and don't think I could have handled the stress of having out of town people get stuck here in the city.
One day at a time
You have a good attitude, Estragon. Your one-sided coin analogy is a good one. I often feel like the surviving side of a tree that was struck by lightning and split in two. I'm almost at the nine-year mark.
Brohugs from Cleveland.
Estragon...I'm sorry you have to be here. Life is so unfair sometime.
My husband hated anything having to do with funerals or funeral homes. I had never planned for a funeral or anything because I knew he wouldn't want one. But people wanted to go to something. So a month after he died I threw a party at our local dive bar where we used to go and where the bartenders liked him. It was mostly neighbors and MY friends, because he'd become socially withdrawn in the last decade of his life, but everyone had a good time, it was good food and good beer and I think he would have been pleased with it. You might consider doing a kind of memorial party as well after life gets back to something approximating normal.
Chef - maybe the split tree image is better. The still living half will grow in time, albeit likely in a weird shape.
NoLonger - Yes, will revisit the possibility of an event when things normalize. I may start a thread on the subject when that looks possible, assuming it doesn't drag on too long. I'd be concerned that with or without an event, folks need to move on. If left too long, maybe it's just re-opening old wounds?
My wife passed away on April 4th, 2020 after a five plus year battle with ovarian cancer. We were married for nearly 33 years. I’m 63 now and entirely new to being a widow, but it’s been interesting to read the comments of people who have been experiencing this for longer periods of time. I’m not alone because my son lives with me. He is 29 and has Asperger’s Syndrome. He does not drive or work, so he is home essentially all the time. The goal is for him to live independently and have a career, but he’s not there yet. I loved my wife dearly and already miss her a lot, so much so that I read her most recent journals. That was a huge mistake, because what I and many others thought was an idyllic marriage was clearly not from her point of view. She never said a word to me about any of the numerous negative feelings about me and our relationship that she had. I had no clue, and now there’s nothing I can do. My daughter wants the journals and that’s fine. I will never look at another page. My advice to anyone who finds themselves in a similar position is DO NOT read your spouse’s journals or diaries. It will probably not bring you “closer” to them. I know that she loved me, but it will take a long time to recover from the shock of what I read. It’s just made things harder.