Hi my name is Sara. I recentally lost my husband and soul-mate on April 24th. It was a sudden and shocking death. We were fairly young (I am 40 and he was 49) He woke up sick with flu symptoms, but later in the day felt fine, by the end of the evening, he started hallucinations, and I was about to call an ambulance he fell crashing into a table corner. Apparently, he had a brain hemorage (not sure how you spell this). And in the end, the table added to the damage. After this everything became a blur, from speaking with the paramedics, im broken french, getting someone on the phone to translate, and seeing the ambulance drive away thinking it was maybe just a broken tooth or jawbone. Later that night at around 2am, I sent him a text asking him to let me know when I could take a taxi to pick him up from the hospital. The next call I received back was from the hospital telling me I had to get their instantly, it was very serious. I dont drive and I had to find a taxi, by the time I got there, they had already moved him to a specialist hospital 2 hours away. I had to return home and take another taxi the next morning, to find him on life support in a coma. They did 4 operations in 2 days, so I knew the outcome was not good, everyday the situation became worse and worse. Finally on the 6th day, I went to get some anti-depressants at the emergency healthcare ward. While I was up there in 10 minutes he passed.
I live in a small town in France, where the average age is 75, many people are widows/ers but they speak very little english and I speak very little French. . I dont have any friends around, my husband was my friend, we played video games online watched tv and he cooked while i was working. We have 3 cats, and 4 chickens. I dont have any children or family to give me support, his family decided that they would bury him and take care of that instead of cremation which he wanted. I didnt have the energy to fight it.
Without him, I am lost, I have to work everyday without having time to think or grieve because everything is blocked in legal (France is this way), so in order to keep the house and the cats I cannot stop to rest.
I am lost, honstely, I just try to stay alive for our animals (long enough to get the legal papers done so I can leave everything to a shelter to take care of the animals when I go), but every night I pray that I just wont wake up. I dont know if he heard me tell him I love him when he was on life support. Our relationship wasnt perfect, but I dont think any are, I would trade anything just for one more word from him. I dont dream of him, I just get flashbacks. I cant sit in the couch or watch tv because that is where the accident occured.
I know people say the pain goes in time, but I am tired of people telling me I am strong and i will make it through fine and come out a better person.
I dont know which stage I am in , grief, depression or denial (my brain keeps telling me he will come home soon). Today someone sent me a picture of the plaque for his grave (I didnt go to the funeral because it was religous funeral and my husband and I are not religous), and I lost it. I stayed under the blankets for hours eating valliums because I cant face my life without him. There is no english speaking mental health here, so I cant even goto a white room with rubber padding.
So this is me, I know im depressing and for this I am sorry .
Sara I am so sorry for your loss. I know you feel so alone. Talk to your husband, this helps me. Pray to him... and I am certain he heard you tell him you loved him. They worked on my husband for 4 hours giving him CPR because it was a cold water rescue. They let me come in while they were working on him. It was so scary to see him so lifeless. The first time I brought a priest and we prayed over him ... I touched his hand and kissed him. The second time I went in he didn't look so good, I felt he was fighting... and I saw a tear roll down his cheek. The third time ... he looked so bad. I knew he wasn't doing good and they talked about finding out his brain waves. We always talked about if an accident occurred he didn't want to be a vegetable... In that moment I talked to him..I told him the children and I were there and we loved him so much but he could do what he needed to do. 30 mins later the Dr came out and told me my husband died. I thought I was going to die myself in that moment .... I couldn't catch my breath, and I wanted to take back what I said to him. Did my words giving him permission to go if he had to make him leave. I should of said fight dammit don't you leave us. I hate myself everyday for not saying those words to him. I know his love is ever so deep and around us. The pain we all feel in the loss of our loved ones is because we loved them so deep. I know this is so hard... and so raw and fresh. Please find comfort in that your pain is because you did love .. and to know love is better then to not. You are not alone. Please reach out when ever you need.
soul, Oh my goodness, reading your posts as they've come into my email, have been heart wrenching! Your children and you have gone through such a trauma! I am so sorry! I had to take the time to come online and reply this time, though, to tell you that your loving permission to your husband was the best thing you could do, selfless and necessary. Do not hold yourself accountable for his death, for not having insisted he fight to live. He might have lived on, in body only and you would still be without him. I do understand... but I hope you will forgive yourself and know you did right.
We just marked the one year anniversary, which is so very hard to believe, of my husband's death, one week after his cardiac arrest at home. He never regained consciousness, was being treated in the hospital but was in such a precarious state of UNhealth.
When I was newly widowed, anyone who was well beyond the time I was at, ...well, it seemed a long time to me. Now that I am one of them, I know that it does not feel as long as it sounds and while it's easier there is still a strong sense of bewilderment and a lack of comprehension. How? Why? Is it really TRUE?
I take comfort in my faith which gives me answers to things that others struggle with, but it doesn't change what is truly a shock to the family foundation. I want to recommend to you the book _Option B_ which I just finished reading. The author's children were young when her husband died suddenly a few years ago. There's a lot of good in that book. The resilience of children is something she discusses and which resonates in your own posts, too. You might find some words of wisdom there.
So, so sorry for everyone here who is suffering...
Thank you so much for your words... I know I need to let go of what was not in my control. I tell myself this, I need to be healthy in my thoughts to help the children. It is hard though, on a spiritual front... I just can't help to wonder of it all. There is so many what if's on that day. If only I found him sooner, if only I jumped in the water sooner. I so wish to have that day back. I try to believe that God has a plan and that there is a blueprint one that is already designed. That our time is already known when we come and go. When I can let myself believe this it helps. Then your flooded with the emotions of it all .. and the very pain of it all is so overwhelming. It helps to hear others who are going through and have gone through this pain. Knowing someone understands your own. I am so sorry for your loss, I remember when my brother died, one year still felt pretty fresh. My brother has been gone for five years now. I remember the pain did not lift until the second year, then I moved through it with more ease. Going through grief before has perhaps in a sense prepared me a little in knowing what to expect. Yet it is all so different with my husband, and the trauma in finding him. I too feel faith will help me through... even when I can't feel in the breath of prayer. I feel so empty. I will kneel until my knees are bruised to feel God move through me again and to pray that I will feel my husband close and that somehow someway we will be kept in this. Thank you for the book suggestion. My friend called me tonight, she was on the scene of the accident as she lives down the road. She bought it for herself to help me through it and said I need to read it. Then this evening I couldn't breathe and needed to just get out so I took the children to the beach. While walking along we saw the letter B drawn in the sand. I took that as a sign. I need to read that book. Thank you for your words and wisdom. Enduring Light and Prayers to you Nance. God Bless!
I bought the book the day it came out. It was a good read - very easy and relevant and real. I also found a book that is also uplifting and positive. It is called "Healing Grief, Finding Peace."
I went to my first grief group meeting tonight and I would highly recommend it if it is available to you. Just being with others who understand and sharing in person is very healing.
sara, just saw your post. Please don't apologize for your terrible grief and sadness. Your experience is very sad! You're so alone and without needed support. I am so very sorry! Keep posting here, anyway; it's helpful to be able to express it all!
Molly, my husband had a cardiac arrest about 3 a.m. on a Thursday morning, and after a week, we were called about 3 a.m. the following Thursday morning because his body systems were in such disarray. He died later that day. My body, my psyche knew and felt it each week for a very long time... then it was just the monthly anniversary that I reacted to without being able to help it. Now I've reached the year's anniversary. I found myself very aware of exactly what I had been doing one year ago, starting the day before the cardiac event and now that we've past the day that marked his death, I am realizing I am still reliving, but the week after, when we planned and held the funeral and committal service. Time does help, but yes, it is a slow process! And you are still so early on in your terrible grief. I am sorry. I wish you peace!
I am Judy, lost my husband 3/8/13 due to a doctors error. He was hospitalized for an infection from a lung transplant ( was doing amazing) a feeding tube was put in and his colon was perforated, not diagnosed for 5 days and developed sepsis. He was in the hospital for 5 weeks and due to go home in a a week or so Married for 34 years, 6 children and many grandchildren. Still miss him with all my heart everyday and but am determined to find a little "peace" in my life this year despite all the family drama, stress and being alone as I know that is what he would want for me.