I wish I had done a journal for myself for the first year. The first few months tho are such a blur or meetings, paperwork, etc that it kept me very busy. Right around the 3m mark I did sit down and write out the series of events that led to my husband's death. We had been on a kid-free vacation in Italy and he was involved in a mountaineering accident. I was there and partially witnessed it, but then was all alone in a small country village. It really helped me to write it all out tho. I just sat there and it poured out from me, fingers flying on the keyboard while tears streamed down my face.
I know that you are going through a lot and trying to digest all of it has to be a real challenge for you. Be extremely grateful for the support system that you have in place. With the support that you will get for your daughter it will help you tremendously. I know that the care for your daughter will occupy a good bit of your time and will help you as you move through this process. Although I lost my wife in January of this year to an infection I still know how you feel because we fully expected, and we told by the doctors that she would recover. It was not until the last 30 seconds when I saw her take her last breath that I realized there was going to be no recovery. So I know what it is like to think every is going to be fine only to have it all be taken away immediately. A major piece of advice that I would give you is be good to yourself and don't think of there being a timeline for this process. You are going to have many up and down days and especially watch for those special occasions as they come up for the first time.
If you are interested in a support group as time goes on you may want to consider Grief Share. It is a 13 week program which will help you by being able to interact with other people that have experienced a close personal loss of a loved one.
I lost my partner two weeks ago, on July 8, 2017. He passed away while we were sleeping. I think I am still moving from the initial shock to feeling the full weight of the sadness. He had been battling myositis (a rare autoimmune disease) for three years. I watched him waste away and watched every treatment that should have worked fail. Even near the end, as sick as he was, I still believed everything was going to be okay, even though we were one clinical trial down, waiting on a second one, and he was in and out of the hospital all of the time. It just doesn't feel real. But I'm looking forward to connecting with others who have gone down a similar path.
Hi Cristaboo, my condolences. It's good that you are here; I've found this online community to be of great help to me. My wife died suddenly a year and half ago. It's not the same as your partner's but what you are going thru is similar to what we've all been thru. I remember that the first few months were just a blur - it felt like I was in a fog. In retrospect, I've come to see the fog as a protective blanket and if you are feeling similarly, don't push it away. The reality will be there eventually. Read thru our posts and you'll find some helpful info. COme here to vent or ask questions. You are in my thoughts this evening.
I know what you are going through. I lost my wife in January of this year. She had an infection that went undetected too long and spread to other parts of her body and caused her blood pressure to drop so low that it actually stopped her heart. We believed and were told by the doctors that she was going to recover. So we were living in a recovery mode when all of a sudden she could no longer go and I watched her take her last breath. I did call 911 and they were able to restart her heart but when they got her to the hospital they started 3 IV's designed to raise her blood pressure and she continued on life support overnight but by the next morning with all of that her heart stopped for the second time and I told them to stop any additional treatment. I will tell you it has been a major roller coaster ride. You will find this to be a very supportive place and you will be able to gather a lot of information as you proceed through this journey.
I'm Ray and from the UK. I met my wonderful brave Helen 50 years ago and we married 2 years later in 1969. We have 2 sons and 3 grandchildren. Helen was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in May 2015 and by the time she passed the cancer was in the breast, lungs, liver, bones, head and spine. The first 18 months you would not have known she had cancer but the last 6 months have been a kind of hell.
She had radiotherapy, chemotherapy, suffered tumours behind her left eye, and numerous other issues, which she faced with absolute courage and very little complaint. Before starting her 6th cycle of chemotherapy I had to take her into hospital where she was found to have sepsis. That was treated but the damage had been done and when she was at her lowest that b*!*!*d cancer sneaked in and snatched her from me on the 30th June. At least he took the Helen I can't hold, touch or hug, not the one that is in my heart and soul.
I knew it was going to be hard and for the first 3 weeks it was, but last Friday I realised that Helen was not coming home and the hurt has now intensified to a whole new level. I expect the hurt, after 50 years I had better hurt or it wasn't worth it, but this is just so painful.
I found this site when googling for advice and found some satisfaction from what I saw written, so decided to sign up. I really don't know what I am looking for but just feel I needed to reach out.
Dear Ray, I'm glad that you found us. You are not alone and I hope that is one thing you find on this site. Our individual experiences vary but important commonalities of experience will come through what we say. Feel free to write what you need to...ranting or asking... it doesn't matter. Many times the words of others have helped me in my own process.
The pain you mention is tough. I felt (and do still) like someone ripped out a large part of me. Shortly after the terrible day in October of 2015 my brother - a former widower - told me this: In a relationship there are 3 entities: the two souls and then a distinct other called the relationship. When the beloved dies, the relationship also goes. In an instant I lost 2/3 of who I was. My wife and I met when we were very young. All of what I am was tied up in the togetherness. That being gone is terrible and although the rawness is gone what remains is just as hard - something that you are getting a glimpse of when you say that she was not coming home.
I hope you have a good support network. Where in the UK do you live? I was born in Maidenhead and my wife and I enjoyed our honeymoon traveling around England.
Thanks Ibelieveinyou. I know what you mean about the 2/3 although I am feeling just like a empty shell at present. I live in South Wales and our 2 sons both live in Yorkshire, over 200 miles away, but they are very supportive. In fact a did feel like a real idiot last weekend. My oldest lad said he would see me on Wednesday and then he phoned me to say that he could'nt do Wednesday but he would come on Monday. I said look I know your busy, I'm OK don't put yourself out. He replied by saying you might not want to see me dad, but maybe I need to see you. I had just forgot that others are hurting as well as me. I do however have Helens mother and sister close to me. I know how bad I feel Helen's mother is 87 and she is really hurting. Had a bad experience earlier went to pick up my prescription from the chemist. Helen usually did that so I am not really known there. When I said my surname the assistant said "Ray", she then gave me my prescription - and Helen's! When I said that Helen had passed away, the assistant was devastated. I just managed to leave before I just fell apart - supposed I will have to get used to that happening as well now.
BP so sorry about your Joey, I honestly cannot imagine how difficult things must have been for you to suffer the loss and then the worry about how you were going to manage financially. I take hope from that after the physical, financial and emotional pain that you are still hanging in there. At present people ask me if I am having good and bad days, I say no - just days that have good and bad in them.
I just can't understand why one minute I can think about Helen and I get a happy thought and the next minute I think about her and I get this overwhelming crushing experience and find myself screaming her name.
At present all my friends are being very supportive but I realise that not seeing Helen will become normal for them and like you I will I will have to do what I need to get through each day.
Hi Ray - One thing that I have learned in my 6 whole months of this horror (my husband passed in January) is that right now, for me, there are really no such things as good days and bad days - there are OK moments and bad moments and really, really bad moments. People who have not gone through this just do not understand how quickly our emotions can turn and plummet.
I have been crashing a lot this week, because my husband's birthday was on 07/22 and the 6-month anniversary of his passing was on 07/25. But just a few days prior to that maelstrom, I had moments when I felt OK, almost hopeful. And I still get a glimpse or two of that hope. But then it all came crashing down on me and now I have a terrible unfulfilled sense of longing for him.
All I can offer at this early stage in my own process is to advise you to let those emotions roll through you as they come. A new one will be on the way sooner than you can believe. And BP has it right - take care of yourself and only do what you can manage each day, each moment.