Members

This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

WELCOME to our community ... tell us about you!

Views: 83278

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Kimmy,
 
   My heart goes out to you. I am 32 and lost my 43 year old husband 8 1/2 months ago. We were married two years. I have a 9 year old son, who was his stepson. I am part of a group of Young Widowed people in Denver, CO, who meet once a month in a support group setting as well as socially. I know a few of them had newborns when they lost their spouses. The shock will help you get through the first months. I've learned it's actually a way our brains and bodies protect us from things we aren't quite ready to handle yet. I am so glad you have a strong support system.
   My advice, since you are asking: 1) Tell people what you need, and what you don't need. Set boundaries. If someone says "How can I help?" Don't be afriad to say, "The lawn needs mowed" or "I need groceries" or "I need help keeping up with this laundry" or "Could you give me a few hours' respite?" If people don't follow through, they probably never intended to help in the first place. Don't worry about those people. 2) Find a person or group of people you can share with, whether this is a therapist, a group like GriefShare, or a regional Soaring Spirits group. If you don't like the first person or group you go to, seek out another. This will be an important resource to have. 3) Keep coming back here. There is power in telling your story, comfort in finding out what you are going through is "normal", and camaraderie in the relationships you will build.

That is the best advice I have ever seen in this forum.  This should be pinned and stickied somewhere on the home page!

Thank you so much for your words and of advice and I am so sorry for your loss as well. I am honestly not sure if I am still in shock or if my daughter keeps me so focused/busy that I have to keep it together. But she is what keeps me going. I am currently staying with family because my late husband and I were living in an apartment that I cannot afford alone due to the fact that he wanted me to be a stay at home mom and made a great salary for what he did. It's such a surreal feeling from being happy and having it all one day and the next your life is completely flipped upside down and you have no idea which way is even up anymore. I plan on seeing a therapist/joining a support group in time but for now my family wants the focus to be on my daughter and my healing (I had to have a c section after 2 days of labor so I've got about another month of recovery time). Again, thank you so much for the advice and I will definitely keep in touch here!

If you decide to write a journal - doesn't have to be daily or anything, just whatever works for you - you could also include memories of your husband to maybe one day share with your daughter?  My girls were 8 & 10 when they lost their dad last year and have been encouraged to write down their favorite memories of him (the 3 of us were gifted so many blank journals, we could all write for years and still have space), funny stories he used to tell them, etc.  I don't think they've written much, but I love the idea.

Kimmyz1717...the day after my wife died in March 2015, I started to write a 'grief journal' to track my journey.  I kept this up pretty much for the entire first year and it ended on the first anniversary of her death.  Last night when I went to bed, I decided to read it.  I know...not exactly the light reading that puts you in the mood to sleep.  I just felt really compelled to read it so I did.  It was such a valuable experience because it showed me just how far I had come from those dark early days.  I had carried resentment for a couple of people that in my mind had not reached out to me after her death.  Last night, reading the journal reminded me that in fact they did reach out two days after her death.  My mind was so addled that I did not even remember it.  You are in very early days.  I would suggest you try this.  Someday, you will be able to read it over and see just how far you have come.  I woke up this morning with a completely different attitude knowing I was doing better than I was giving myself credit for.  Take care!

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss and the journal sounds like a great idea and I'm so glad to hear that it helped you. I have actually been thinking of starting a blog for my daughter because there are so many people who want to watch her grow up/would like updates since she is my late husbands only child. I think it might be good and therapeutic for myself and I think she might enjoy it later on in her life. Thank you for the advice!

I wish I had done a journal for myself for the first year.  The first few months tho are such a blur or meetings, paperwork, etc that it kept me very busy.  Right around the 3m mark I did sit down and write out the series of events that led to my husband's death.  We had been on a kid-free vacation in Italy and he was involved in a mountaineering accident.  I was there and partially witnessed it, but then was all alone in a small country village.  It really helped me to write it all out tho.  I just sat there and it poured out from me, fingers flying on the keyboard while tears streamed down my face.

Kimmy,

I know that you are going through a lot and trying to digest all of it has to be a real challenge for you.  Be extremely grateful for the support system that you have in place.  With the support that you will get for your daughter it will help you tremendously.  I know that the care for your daughter will occupy a good bit of your time and will help you as you move through this process.  Although I lost my wife in January of this year to an infection I still know how you feel because we fully expected, and we told by the doctors that she would recover.  It was not until the last 30 seconds when I saw her take her last breath that I realized there was going to be no recovery.  So I know what it is like to think every is going to be fine only to have it all be taken away immediately.  A major piece of advice that I would give you is be good to yourself and don't think of there being a timeline for this process.  You are going to have many up and down days and especially watch for those special occasions as they come up for the first time.

If you are interested in a support group as time goes on you may want to consider Grief Share.  It is a 13 week program which will help you by being able to interact with other people that have experienced a close personal loss of a loved one. 

Larry

Hi,

I lost my partner two weeks ago, on July 8, 2017.  He passed away while we were sleeping.  I think I am still moving from the initial shock to feeling the full weight of the sadness.  He had been battling myositis (a rare autoimmune disease) for three years.  I watched him waste away and watched every treatment that should have worked fail.  Even near the end, as sick as he was, I still believed everything was going to be okay, even though we were one clinical trial down, waiting on a second one, and he was in and out of the hospital all of the time.  It just doesn't feel real.  But I'm looking forward to connecting with others who have gone down a similar path.  

Cristin

Hi Cristaboo, my condolences. It's good that you are here; I've found this online community to be of great help to me. My wife died suddenly a year and  half ago. It's not the same as your partner's but what you are going thru is similar to what we've all been thru. I remember that the first few months were just a blur - it felt like I was in a fog. In retrospect, I've come to see the fog as a protective blanket and if you are feeling similarly, don't push it away. The reality will be there eventually. Read thru our posts and you'll find some helpful info. COme here to vent or ask questions. You are in my thoughts this evening. 

Cristin,

I know what you are going through.  I lost my wife in January of this year.  She had an infection that went undetected too long and spread to other parts of her body and caused her blood pressure to drop so low that it actually stopped her heart.  We believed and were told by the doctors that she was going to recover.  So we were living in a recovery mode when all of a sudden she could no longer go and I watched her take her last breath.  I did call 911 and they were able to restart her heart but when they got her to the hospital they started 3 IV's designed to raise her blood pressure and she continued on life support overnight but by the next morning with all of that her heart stopped for the second time and I told them to stop any additional treatment.  I will tell you it has been a major roller coaster ride.  You will find this to be a very supportive place and you will be able to gather a lot of information as you proceed through this journey.

Larry

I'm Ray and from the UK. I met my wonderful brave Helen 50 years ago and we married 2 years later in 1969. We have 2 sons and 3 grandchildren. Helen was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in May 2015 and by the time she passed the cancer was in the breast, lungs, liver, bones, head and spine. The first 18 months you would not have known she had cancer but the last 6 months have been a kind of hell.

She had radiotherapy, chemotherapy, suffered tumours behind her left eye, and numerous other issues, which she faced with absolute courage and very little complaint. Before starting her 6th cycle of chemotherapy I had to take her into hospital where she was found to have sepsis. That was treated but the damage had been done and when she was at her lowest that b*!*!*d cancer sneaked in and snatched her from me on the 30th June. At least he took the Helen I can't hold, touch or hug, not the one that is in my heart and soul.

I knew it was going to be hard and for the first 3 weeks it was, but last Friday I realised that Helen was not coming home and the hurt has now intensified to a whole new level. I expect the hurt, after 50 years I had better hurt or it wasn't worth it, but this is just so painful.

I found this site when googling for advice and found some satisfaction from what I saw written, so decided to sign up. I really don't know what I am looking for but just feel I needed to reach out.

RSS

© 2017   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service