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Kimmyz1717...the day after my wife died in March 2015, I started to write a 'grief journal' to track my journey.  I kept this up pretty much for the entire first year and it ended on the first anniversary of her death.  Last night when I went to bed, I decided to read it.  I know...not exactly the light reading that puts you in the mood to sleep.  I just felt really compelled to read it so I did.  It was such a valuable experience because it showed me just how far I had come from those dark early days.  I had carried resentment for a couple of people that in my mind had not reached out to me after her death.  Last night, reading the journal reminded me that in fact they did reach out two days after her death.  My mind was so addled that I did not even remember it.  You are in very early days.  I would suggest you try this.  Someday, you will be able to read it over and see just how far you have come.  I woke up this morning with a completely different attitude knowing I was doing better than I was giving myself credit for.  Take care!

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss and the journal sounds like a great idea and I'm so glad to hear that it helped you. I have actually been thinking of starting a blog for my daughter because there are so many people who want to watch her grow up/would like updates since she is my late husbands only child. I think it might be good and therapeutic for myself and I think she might enjoy it later on in her life. Thank you for the advice!

I wish I had done a journal for myself for the first year.  The first few months tho are such a blur or meetings, paperwork, etc that it kept me very busy.  Right around the 3m mark I did sit down and write out the series of events that led to my husband's death.  We had been on a kid-free vacation in Italy and he was involved in a mountaineering accident.  I was there and partially witnessed it, but then was all alone in a small country village.  It really helped me to write it all out tho.  I just sat there and it poured out from me, fingers flying on the keyboard while tears streamed down my face.

Kimmy,

I know that you are going through a lot and trying to digest all of it has to be a real challenge for you.  Be extremely grateful for the support system that you have in place.  With the support that you will get for your daughter it will help you tremendously.  I know that the care for your daughter will occupy a good bit of your time and will help you as you move through this process.  Although I lost my wife in January of this year to an infection I still know how you feel because we fully expected, and we told by the doctors that she would recover.  It was not until the last 30 seconds when I saw her take her last breath that I realized there was going to be no recovery.  So I know what it is like to think every is going to be fine only to have it all be taken away immediately.  A major piece of advice that I would give you is be good to yourself and don't think of there being a timeline for this process.  You are going to have many up and down days and especially watch for those special occasions as they come up for the first time.

If you are interested in a support group as time goes on you may want to consider Grief Share.  It is a 13 week program which will help you by being able to interact with other people that have experienced a close personal loss of a loved one. 

Larry

Hi,

I lost my partner two weeks ago, on July 8, 2017.  He passed away while we were sleeping.  I think I am still moving from the initial shock to feeling the full weight of the sadness.  He had been battling myositis (a rare autoimmune disease) for three years.  I watched him waste away and watched every treatment that should have worked fail.  Even near the end, as sick as he was, I still believed everything was going to be okay, even though we were one clinical trial down, waiting on a second one, and he was in and out of the hospital all of the time.  It just doesn't feel real.  But I'm looking forward to connecting with others who have gone down a similar path.  

Cristin

Hi Cristaboo, my condolences. It's good that you are here; I've found this online community to be of great help to me. My wife died suddenly a year and  half ago. It's not the same as your partner's but what you are going thru is similar to what we've all been thru. I remember that the first few months were just a blur - it felt like I was in a fog. In retrospect, I've come to see the fog as a protective blanket and if you are feeling similarly, don't push it away. The reality will be there eventually. Read thru our posts and you'll find some helpful info. COme here to vent or ask questions. You are in my thoughts this evening. 

Cristin,

I know what you are going through.  I lost my wife in January of this year.  She had an infection that went undetected too long and spread to other parts of her body and caused her blood pressure to drop so low that it actually stopped her heart.  We believed and were told by the doctors that she was going to recover.  So we were living in a recovery mode when all of a sudden she could no longer go and I watched her take her last breath.  I did call 911 and they were able to restart her heart but when they got her to the hospital they started 3 IV's designed to raise her blood pressure and she continued on life support overnight but by the next morning with all of that her heart stopped for the second time and I told them to stop any additional treatment.  I will tell you it has been a major roller coaster ride.  You will find this to be a very supportive place and you will be able to gather a lot of information as you proceed through this journey.

Larry

I'm Ray and from the UK. I met my wonderful brave Helen 50 years ago and we married 2 years later in 1969. We have 2 sons and 3 grandchildren. Helen was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in May 2015 and by the time she passed the cancer was in the breast, lungs, liver, bones, head and spine. The first 18 months you would not have known she had cancer but the last 6 months have been a kind of hell.

She had radiotherapy, chemotherapy, suffered tumours behind her left eye, and numerous other issues, which she faced with absolute courage and very little complaint. Before starting her 6th cycle of chemotherapy I had to take her into hospital where she was found to have sepsis. That was treated but the damage had been done and when she was at her lowest that b*!*!*d cancer sneaked in and snatched her from me on the 30th June. At least he took the Helen I can't hold, touch or hug, not the one that is in my heart and soul.

I knew it was going to be hard and for the first 3 weeks it was, but last Friday I realised that Helen was not coming home and the hurt has now intensified to a whole new level. I expect the hurt, after 50 years I had better hurt or it wasn't worth it, but this is just so painful.

I found this site when googling for advice and found some satisfaction from what I saw written, so decided to sign up. I really don't know what I am looking for but just feel I needed to reach out.

Dear Ray, I'm glad that you found us. You are not alone and I hope that is one thing you find on this site. Our individual experiences vary but important commonalities of experience will come through what we say. Feel free to write what you need to...ranting or asking... it doesn't matter. Many times the words of others have helped me in my own process. 

The pain you mention is tough. I felt (and do still) like someone ripped out a large part of me. Shortly after the terrible day in October of 2015 my brother - a former widower - told me this: In a relationship there are 3 entities: the two souls and then a distinct other called the relationship. When the beloved dies, the relationship also goes. In an instant I lost 2/3 of who I was. My wife and I met when we were very young. All of what I am was tied up in the togetherness. That being gone is terrible and although the rawness is gone what remains is just as hard - something that you are getting a glimpse of when you say that she was not coming home. 

I hope you have a good support network. Where in the UK do you live? I was born in Maidenhead and my wife and I enjoyed our honeymoon traveling around England. 

Thanks Ibelieveinyou. I know what you mean about the 2/3 although I am feeling just like a empty shell at present.  I live in South Wales and our 2 sons both live in Yorkshire, over 200 miles away, but they are very supportive.  In fact a did feel like a real idiot last weekend.  My oldest lad said he would see me on Wednesday and then he phoned me to say that he could'nt do Wednesday but he would come on Monday.  I said look I know your busy, I'm OK don't put yourself out.  He replied by saying you might not want to see me dad, but maybe I need to see you.  I had just forgot that others are hurting as well as me.  I do however have Helens mother and sister close to me.  I know how bad I feel Helen's mother is 87 and she is really hurting.  Had a bad experience earlier went to pick up my prescription from the chemist.  Helen usually did that so I am not really known there.  When I said my surname the assistant said "Ray", she then gave me my prescription - and Helen's!  When I said that Helen had passed away, the assistant was devastated.  I just managed to leave before I just fell apart - supposed I will have to get used to that happening as well now. 

Hello Ray, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the way you are feeling or going through. My husband (Joey) passed away in my arms 8 months ago. When he passed away I literally felt every inch of his soul being ripped from mine. The pain was unbearable at times. For about a month afterwards I felt totally empty and lost inside. I had gone from 100 mph caring for my husband by myself, to 0 mph upon his death. The pain and loss was so real that I had 3 heart attacks within the 2 months that followed his death. Mourning his loss, the fear of the unknown, anxiety, coupled with the loss of his income and how am I going to pay the bills all took there toll on me. Even at 8 months I still have days were it physically hurts and the tears still flow. Currently I am having to move, so packing up all of our memories and belongings has brought back a lot of the pain from loosing him. Each person is different on how grief takes them. At 8 months I have to say, at this point, that my good days equal the amount of bad days. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I am taking life one day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. If something is to overwhelming or to difficult for me to deal with, I wait until I am ready to deal with it or handle it. That is how I have managed. If I'm not up to it, I don't do it! It can wait!

I have to say, that a couple of months after my husband's death, I was sitting on the couch when something popped into my head and I remember saying to myself "I want to call Joey and tell him". I started to lift myself up off the couch to get my phone, when it hit me that he was dead. I immediately broke down and all I could think of was I'm loosing it! I know he's gone, we spent 24/7 together so us calling each other on the phone was uncommon, so why would I do that? Unbelievable, but true.

In the beginning I had to call and close accounts and take care of some things. I called one of the accounts that was in my husbands name only and I remember the young girl on the other end was a little snotty. She said "I'm going to have to talk to him, can you put him on the phone for me?" I said to her "If I could I would, because I would love to talk to him myself!". She did calm down a bit, after she allowed me to explain that he had passed away. Needless to say, after that call, I was done "doing business" for the day.

Please take it easy on yourself and only do what you think you can manage for the day. If it's only getting out of bed for the day, then so be it! The world can piss off! I know your mind is on your beloved, but please take it easy on yourself, you do deserve it after all that you have gone through. Take it from me, I had to learn it the hard way, it took me a few months to realize this and now I follow it tooth and nail. I am better emotionally, mentally, and physically because of it. I don't care what people are going to think or say, I've got to do what I've got to do to get through the day. What they don't know is that I am doing all that I can trying to manage to live without my husband, my lover and my best friend.

BP so sorry about your Joey, I honestly cannot imagine how difficult things must have been for you to suffer the loss and then the worry about how you were going to manage financially.  I take hope from that after the physical, financial and emotional pain that you are still hanging in there.  At present people ask me if I am having good and bad days, I say no - just days that have good and bad in them.

I just can't understand why one minute I can think about Helen and I get a happy thought and the next minute I think about her and I get this overwhelming crushing experience and find myself screaming her name.

At present all my friends are being very supportive but I realise that not seeing Helen will become normal for them and  like you I will I will have to do what I need to get through each day.

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