Hi Siouxieq -
I am so sorry for your loss. You're feeling just what you need to be right now. I don't know about being widowed with young kids...however, I can tell you that you're on the right track about Camp Widow. I have been a few times. I love my widowed family! I can tell you that it changed my life. I'm not just saying that. It truly did.
There is an amazing kids program the same weekend as a part of Camp Widow. Recovery is a family affair. I know the kids who are a part of this program and who mentor the kids. I have seen them grow and become amazing humans in spite of their losses.
In the meantime, depending on where you live, there may be a Regional Group near you. check out
for more info.
For right now...feel how you feel. Hug your kids...but take care of you. YOU are important. Make sure you breathe, sleep, and eat. If not,
Come here any time. Reach out. Utilize the chat. You're all going to be ok.
It may not seem that way, but I promise it will happen.
So I joined yesterday and considered if I really wanted to post or not. I lost my wife just a week ago and still in horrible shock. I walk around in a fog wishing that I would wake up to find it was some how a bad dream. My wife died of cancer 1 year after it was detected. The doctors thought it was gone around May only to have it come back again, require radiation then get very aggressive around October. 2 weeks ago, her doctor thought she had 3 to 4 months left, then 5 days later she was gone. I get angry saying I want back my 3 months.
We were married for over 20 years, we were each others first real relationship, we dated for almost 4 years before we married only because we decided to wait until we left college. While my wife had friends she hung out with, I did not, I did everything with her, my friends were all very remote. People I worked with and became friendly with but were spread around the world.
I have decided that my new trigger phrase is "She is in a better place". As if being with me was such a horrible place. I am Catholic but that doesn't mean I am willing to say that being away from me is better. People have said some day I may want to date or marry again, but I don't see that happening at the moment. I am having my name put on the headstone next to hers and while it is likely to be 30 to 40 years before I join her, I don't see how right now I could ever find someone who is my missing piece.
Anyway, I am going by Midnight Bear as this is a pair of nicknames shoved together in a way. My wife I will call Teddy as that was one of her nick names on the back of a matched T-Shirt we owned ages ago which together was Teddy Bear. I have for as far back as I can think now, been defined as the pair of us two, and now I am having a hard time thinking how to define myself alone.
Hello MidnightBear, First of all, condolences. What you have experienced is terrible. I recall the fog in the first while after the love of my life had a attack of some kind as she got ready for work. Our children did CPR. She was simply gone. I have come to see the fog as a natural protection. If you don't have to, don't push it away. I have a vague recollection of her lying there and me telling her, "We have so much to do still!" Like you and your wife, we were together young. We met on a blind date in high school and were inseparable for 32 years (25 in marriage). Your anger is normal too.
My brother, who was also a widower, told me something early on that helped. He said, "When you were married, the relationship between you and your wife also had a third element to it - the actual relationship. With her gone, you have lost 2/3 of who you are." This made sense to me and helped me understand why I felt so terribly empty.
As for other people saying stupid stuff. You must learn to forgive them because they have no idea of what it does to us. I've heard it all and so will you. What I had to tell close people is this, "Please, you don't need to say anything to me right now. Just be here with me and listen. Even if I'm saying nothing, just being near helps." One of my triggering phrases is, "Hey, you need to go start dating." As if...
Our culture has no idea of how to grieve. However, your friends here at WV do know as we've shared a similar journey. Share with us and read our stories. We get it.
Don't worry about having to find someone new. Even after 2 years I have zero interest in "replacing" what was taken from me. For 32 years, it was Tam and Larr. After two years, I still feel lost and have little idea of who Larr is without Tam. My friend, you are in the very early stages. Concentrate on putting one pant leg on at a time. That is a real accomplishment. Ask your friends and family for exactly what you need. Hang in there and know that you are in many of our thoughts today.
Midnightbear, its now 5 months since my Helen left my side. Like your dear wife Helen also had cancer and almost 2 years to the day of diagnosis she went but the end also came so quick. I am so so sorry for your loss and really appreciate what you must be going through. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but for me it has not. I posted something the other day:
"Its official I just hate hate hate hate this life without my Helen. Cancer snatched Helen from me 30th June and I thought I was doing OK, but every day is getting so more wearisome. I go out, I talk to people, I talk to my 2 sons and I have a laugh and a joke but in those lonesome days and late at night, like now, I just miss her so much. I want her back but know that can't happen, but it dos'nt stop me wanting."
I have been fortunate that I have not had any friends talk about "moving on", because I do believe that would be last of that friendship - any friend knew what Helen and I had and I am not looking for anyone to take Helens' place. I am not foolish enough to think that loneliness may not/will not become a huge burden in the future but that's for the future. As Ibelieve said it is one day at a time, but those days do grow long. I do think that it helps to put your thoughts and burdens on paper, for me it gets that worm out of head. The next few weeks are going to be hard, just trust your family and friends to help you though it. Ray
Oh my goodness IBelieveInYou, I just was reading something very similar to what your brother said. I read that there was the relationship between my husband and I and he with me, and the third relationship was what was created between us. It came in the way of a diagram that my counselor shared with me. It was for me, an OMG moment. I sobbed with her.
Thanks for posting that here.
MidnightBear, it's sad to meet you here. Just visit to post or just read when you want to. What a sweet nick name Teddy is.
I'm almost at the 3-month point and I hate it. Even though I see a few daily minutes of relief in the last couple of weeks, I absolutely hate my life. I don't want a "new normal" - the term so many grief groups use. It makes my skin crawl. There is nothing about the term that I like - new indicates to me my past is gone and it is NOT, it's just all in my heart and head; normal, well, I cannot see to find any normal. We were married 47 years, I took him to the hospital for a routine surgery and he came home only to go back in and die there in just 4 weeks. The entire time we prayed, we pushed the doctors midway. But unlike 2 open heart surgeries over the years, this time the second hip surgery proved fatal.There are so many trigger phrases including today at church, the pastor using Romans 8:28 - "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord." I left and sobbed in my car. I have no idea where the good is to be found in this at this time.
There are so many trigger phrases including today at church, the pastor referring to Romans 8:28 - "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord." I left and sobbed in my car. I have no idea where the good is to be found in this at this time. My faith is shattered. My life is in pieces.
Most of the time I feel I am in quicksand trying to get to a sandy place. I cannot fathom a solid ground from here. Although I know many do get there.
I'm learning I have to do this my own way. I have to find my way inside the grief to hold on to the love I have for Marty. It's likely all we each can do, find our own way. And come here for support and the understanding that anyone who hasn't experienced the excruciating pain, will likely never be able to relate. I also have a grief counselor and 2 local in-person small grief groups, a loving two sisters and son.
Sorry you are here although you will find no truer support.
I totally agree with you. I have heard that verse quoted so many times and like you I can not find the peace and comfort that verse is supposed to give. My wife died January 20th here at home after we had repeatedly been told by the doctors that she was going to be alright. If I could find any positive from her dying then maybe I could do better but so far that has not come.
Just a quick hello and short intro. Lost my hubby at roughly 3 months ago, no time for goodbye so I'm struggling with all the things I wished I had said, regrets they are plenty... I have 3 kiddos, great kids ( they make me look good) and they are all still at home ( 18,20 & 23). I'll be eternally thankful to hubs for giving me these precious souls and that he helped raised such awesome young people. I'm South African and we have been in the US for nearly 8 years now, so having no family around makes it hard. People reach out, but truthfully I don't really know what to say to them ( not much of a talker). In any event when the urge to purge arrives unannounced, there is nobody around. I do not cry in front of my kids, so my time is in the car travelling to and from work. Don't know about any of you, but music is 'hard' to listen to ( I especially love to hate Pink's new song "What about us!"). It looks like this is a great group and I look forward to making some connections and hopefully help someone else out... Have a super special thanksgiving and remember to smile be kind and love those around you.
Sasha hello. How long were you married? For sure you have blessings with such a young family. My husband died Aug 28, 3 days after his 68th birthday, unexpectedly after 28 days in the hospital with complications from a routine hip surgery. I can't say I've had any good days. So far I can remember 2 days where I had at least an hour total, of total peace. And since I succumbed to getting a non-addicting anti-depressant to help me sleep just 2 weeks ago, I am beginning to sleep at night without sobbing.
Smile and love those around us, very beautiful words.
Married for just shy of 25 years, more than half my life... I'm sorry to hear you've had few good days (need an emoji here). Sounds like you were very much in love. Just remember the love is what matters. My motto, fake it until you make it!
It's good that you sleep well now, for me it was strange as hubby passed away during the night of 25 August ( worst was that I did not have any inclination) but my bed and bedroom is strangely comforting...so I sleep pretty okay "drug free" bummer LOL.
I'm remembering the love indeed that's in part why I refuse to take on the phrase - new normal. I bristle at it, hate it, want nothing to do with it. New implies for me, leave what is past you behind you. We were together for 72% of my life. We were kids at 21 when we married. He just turned 68 when he died. I am holding on to all memories - the ups and the downs. Slowly strengthening the good ones and letting the bad ones go. I'm so blessed that HIS passion for life showed ME so many wonders in boating, planes, classic cars, exotic cars and the list is like 20 some hobbies or interests in had that we enjoyed, even loved, together.
I’ve now shared with my in-person grief groups my motto/phrase/mindset, the one I think I can wear going forward. It’s Next Season. I'm finding my Next Season. Seasons change and we know another one is coming, next. Personally, I like all seasons the same, for different reasons. I’m working to stay in faith with God, mostly he’s pulling me in closer to Him, to find joy this Next Season. The pain I trust may never go away, not even in years. However, I am confident some of it will ease up, and in that opening, there will be comfort. Room to breathe.
Happy Thanksgiving Sasha.