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Thank you.

Hi, Joined Soaring Spirits about a year ago meeting for lunch.  I signed on to Widow Village just a couple of weeks ago and have read some of the posts and online chat.

I am widowed about 1-1/2 years now married for 41 years.  I find I just don't know what to say to people in these large groups.  I was so used to just "the two of us" there didn't seem to be an outside world.  I feel empty inside, eating an awful lot.  Mostly junk food and a lot of anxiety.  I am able to take care of myself with the exception of having health issues that limits me to activities.

thanks for joining us, hugs Fran.

Hi. I have been widowed just over two months now. Mitch and I were married for almost 14 years. He died suddenly from a massive heart attack. I think I'm still numb and in disbelief. I have two kids - a 12 yo boy and a 10 yo girl. We are all managing day by day. I feel compelled to advocate for my kids more than ever and live for my kids more than ever. I think my grief is getting lost in the shuffle so I'm trying to reach out. Thinking about Camp Widow in San Diego in July. Thought I'd check in here to start.

Hello Siouxieg - my condolences. You are in the right spot here and I'm glad you reached out to us. You say you feel numb and that your advocacy for your young kids is making your grief get lost. These are normal feelings. The numbness I described as fog. It is there to protect you - if you can allow it, don't push it away. It is there to protect you. Right now you are doing the right things. Take care of your kids and yourself. Ask for help from your support network that is nearby. People want to help but they have no clue how. They will say stupid stuff - you will have to overlook it. Read our stories, they are similar. Write about your feelings because it may feel good to you and because many times, it helps the others who are in a similar boat understand where they are. My thoughts are with you this evening. Please take care and let us know how you are doing. 

Hi Siouxieq -

I am so sorry for your loss.  You're feeling just what you need to be right now.  I don't know about being widowed with young kids...however, I can tell you that you're on the right track about Camp Widow.  I have been a few times. I love my widowed family!  I can tell you that  it changed my life. I'm not just saying that.  It truly did. 

There is an amazing kids program the same weekend as a part of Camp Widow.  Recovery is a family affair.  I know the kids who are a part of this program and who mentor the kids.  I have seen them grow and become amazing humans in spite of their losses. 

In the meantime, depending on where you live, there may be a Regional Group near you.  check out 

http://www.soaringspirits.org/regional-social-events/

for more info.  

For right now...feel how you feel.  Hug your kids...but take care of you.  YOU are important. Make sure you breathe, sleep, and eat.  If not, 

Come here any time. Reach out.  Utilize the chat.  You're all going to be ok. 

It may not seem that way, but I promise it will happen. 

Peace

Sue 

So I joined yesterday and considered if I really wanted to post or not.  I lost my wife just a week ago and still in horrible shock.  I walk around in a fog wishing that I would wake up to find it was some how a bad dream.  My wife died of cancer 1 year after it was detected.  The doctors thought it was gone around May only to have it come back again, require radiation then get very aggressive around October.  2 weeks ago, her doctor thought she had 3 to 4 months left, then 5 days later she was gone.  I get angry saying I want back my 3 months.

We were married for over 20 years, we were each others first real relationship, we dated for almost 4 years before we married only because we decided to wait until we left college. While my wife had friends she hung out with, I did not, I did everything with her, my friends were all very remote.  People I worked with and became friendly with but were spread around the world.  

I have decided that my new trigger phrase is "She is in a better place".  As if being with me was such a horrible place.  I am Catholic but that doesn't mean I am willing to say that being away from me is better.  People have said some day I may want to date or marry again, but I don't see that happening at the moment.  I am having my name put on the headstone next to hers and while it is likely to be 30 to 40 years before I join her, I don't see how right now I could ever find someone who is my missing piece.  

Anyway, I am going by Midnight Bear as this is a pair of nicknames shoved together in a way.  My wife I will call Teddy as that was one of her nick names on the back of a matched T-Shirt we owned ages ago which together was Teddy Bear.  I have for as far back as I can think now, been defined as the pair of us two, and now I am having a hard time thinking how to define myself alone.  

Midnight Bear, first I want to say how sorry I am that you have reason to be here. Having said that,I am really glad you are! One week is so terrifyingly new to this experience for you. I remember so well the same journey less than three years ago. So much of your story echos mine. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Don't let anyone try to convince you that your feelings are right or wrong(although I guess that is what I'm doing). Spend time here talking about your story. We are all going through the same thing albeit at different stages. The one positive is that we are making our way through the grief journey. Yes that's right, through it as there is no way to get around it. Thank you for coming here.

Hello MidnightBear, First of all, condolences. What you have experienced is terrible. I recall the fog in the first while after the love of my life had a  attack of some kind as she got ready for work. Our children did CPR. She was simply gone. I have come to see the fog as a natural protection. If you don't have to, don't push it away. I have a vague recollection of her lying there and me telling her, "We have so much to do still!" Like you and your wife, we were together young. We met on a blind date in high school and were inseparable for 32 years (25 in marriage). Your anger is normal too. 

My brother, who was also a widower, told me something early on that helped. He said, "When you were married, the relationship between you and your wife also had a third element to it - the actual relationship. With her gone, you have lost 2/3 of who you are." This made sense to me and helped me understand why I felt so terribly empty. 

As for other people saying stupid stuff. You must learn to forgive them because they have no idea of what it does to us. I've heard it all and so will you. What I had to tell close people is this, "Please, you don't need to say anything to me right now. Just be here with me and listen. Even if I'm saying nothing, just being near helps." One of my triggering phrases is, "Hey, you need to go start dating." As if...

Our culture has no idea of how to grieve. However, your friends here at WV do know as we've shared a similar journey. Share with us and read our stories. We get it. 

Don't worry about having to find someone new. Even after 2 years I have zero interest in "replacing" what was taken from me. For 32 years, it was Tam and Larr. After two years, I still feel lost and have little idea of who Larr is without Tam. My friend, you are in the very early stages. Concentrate on putting one pant leg on at a time. That is a real accomplishment. Ask your friends and family for exactly what you need. Hang in there and know that you are in many of our thoughts today. 

Midnightbear, its now 5 months since my Helen left my side.  Like your dear wife Helen also had cancer and almost 2 years to the day of diagnosis she went but the end also came so quick.  I am so so sorry for your loss and really appreciate what you must be going through.  I wish I could tell you it gets easier but for me it has not.  I posted something the other day:

"Its official I just hate hate hate hate this life without my Helen.  Cancer snatched Helen from me 30th June and I thought I was doing OK, but every day is getting so more wearisome.  I go out, I talk to people, I talk to my 2 sons and I have a laugh and a joke but in those lonesome days and late at night, like now, I just miss her so much. I want her back but know that can't happen, but it dos'nt stop me wanting."

I have been fortunate that I have not had any friends talk about "moving on", because I do believe that would be last of that friendship - any friend knew what Helen and I had and I am not looking for anyone to take Helens' place. I am not foolish enough to think that loneliness may not/will not become a huge burden in the future but that's for the future. As Ibelieve said it is one day at a time, but those days do grow long.  I do think that it helps to put your thoughts and burdens on paper, for me it gets that worm out of head.  The next few weeks are going to be hard, just trust your family and friends to help you though it.  Ray

Oh my goodness IBelieveInYou, I just was reading something very similar to what your brother said. I read that there was the relationship between my husband and I and he with me, and the third relationship was what was created between us. It came in the way of a diagram that my counselor shared with me. It was for me, an OMG moment. I sobbed with her.

Thanks for posting that here.

MidnightBear, it's sad to meet you here. Just visit to post or just read when you want to. What a sweet nick name Teddy is.

I'm almost at the 3-month point and I hate it. Even though I see a few daily minutes of relief in the last couple of weeks, I absolutely hate my life. I don't want a "new normal" - the term so many grief groups use. It makes my skin crawl. There is nothing about the term that I like - new indicates to me my past is gone and it is NOT, it's just all in my heart and head; normal, well, I cannot see to find any normal. We were married 47 years, I took him to the hospital for a routine surgery and he came home only to go back in and die there in just 4 weeks. The entire time we prayed, we pushed the doctors midway. But unlike 2 open heart surgeries over the years, this time the second hip surgery proved fatal.There are so many trigger phrases including today at church, the pastor using Romans 8:28 - "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord." I left and sobbed in my car. I have no idea where the good is to be found in this at this time. 

There are so many trigger phrases including today at church, the pastor referring to Romans 8:28 - "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord." I left and sobbed in my car. I have no idea where the good is to be found in this at this time. My faith is shattered. My life is in pieces. 

Most of the time I feel I am in quicksand trying to get to a sandy place. I cannot fathom a solid ground from here. Although I know many do get there. 

I'm learning I have to do this my own way. I have to find my way inside the grief to hold on to the love I have for Marty. It's likely all we each can do, find our own way. And come here for support and the understanding that anyone who hasn't experienced the excruciating pain, will likely never be able to relate. I also have a grief counselor and 2 local in-person small grief groups, a loving two sisters and son. 

Sorry you are here although you will find no truer support.

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