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Steph1202 - My condolences. The fog is there to protect you. If you don't have to, let it be. Eventually, the fog will lift but not now. Focus on being there for your kids. The feeling of guilt is normal and understandable. I have felt the same way since my wife passed suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack of some kind right before all of our eyes. She had been suffering some upper respiratory thing - she had an appointment scheduled for that day. Please don't beat yourself up. None of us know what might have happened if only... Right now, focus on you and the kids. Ask for the help you need because people don't know how to support us. Concentrate on the mundane and the necessary. You will have time for the rest. It is good that you are here. We understand. Read what we have written. Share what you want and ask for help from us. Although we are separated by miles, all of us get what you are going through. 

Hi Stephanie,

Could you possibly have had a worse date for this to happen than 3 days before Christmas?  I am some distance ahead of you having lost my wife on January 20, 2017, but mine was just as sudden as yours.  She had septic shock and it knocked her blood pressure so low that it simply stopped her heart.  We were told by the doctors right up until the end that she was going to be alright.  The main level of support that I have had has come from this group and from a member from Grief Share.  I would be pleased to share with you much that I have learned is this period since last January should you be interested in hearing it.

Larry

Larry,

I am actually starting grief share on Tuesday at my church.  I would love to hear whatever you would like to share with me. Thank you!

Stephanie 

Hi, Stephanie.  I am so sorry you had to go through this, and at Christmastime yet.  I know this is not going to help you, but with only one hour, there is NOTHING you could have done to change the outcome.  There are many of us who in retrospect think we should have known something, or should have handled things differently.  I won't bore you with my own guilt journey; you can find it in my profile.  But one other thing -- men are notoriously unwilling to seek medical attention.  They tend to "tough things out."  

It will take a long time to "come to terms" with what has happened.  You will be in a fog.  You will be lost.  You will be numb sometimes and curled up in a fetal position in the corner screaming at other times.  You won't know which end is up.  This is all normal and we all understand.  Take each minute, hour, day as it comes.  Take care of your children and be kind to yourself.  ((((HUG))))

Hi Steph, I am sorry you and your children have to go through this. It seems ‘fog’ is common thing, and I guess it helps us cope. The first four weeks after my husband passed are blurry to me and I the kids and I were in disbelief.. I still don’t function very well, can’t concentrate and am so forgetful. I totally get that you are lost without him, it is surreal to think they are not going to walk through the door again. I hope this group will be of help. The little I have read so far leaves me feeling less isolated. 

Steph1202 I am so sorry for such a loss. I really don’t know what to say. I’m only 4 months 18 days into this. My husband of 47 years died suddenly and unexpectedly after routine hip surgery. It was devastating and I was in shock. Two weeks later, my mother died. It was all piled on my dad going to heaven on Nov 16 2016. Your sadness has got to be compounded with the timing of the holidays. Mine was by the amount of loss. I don’t find grief easy or predictable . This is a truly supportive group. Locally you may want to look into a Griefshare group. God be with you.

Hi Steph,

Oh how your story resonates with me! My husband died from a massive heart attack September 2nd. My kids are 10 and 12. The last four months have been surreal. Keeping busy has helped. Having kids keeps me going. I feel like curling up in a ball is not an option when I have kids to raise. They mostly seem okay. We've all had moments of sadness and anger. I'm still in disbelief that my best friend is gone. I just can't believe he was taken so young. He was 53. I'm 45. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can empathize with the pain you are feeling. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to chat. Take good care of yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help from those around you.

Hi everyone, I am new to this site. I lost my husband suddenly on NYE and as you all know, my life has been turned upside down. 

I do okay during the day but as the sun sets I feel overwhelmed with grief. I have done as much as I can in these 19 days but nothing 

seems to help. I am looking for HOPE.. that it does get better. I am under the age of 50.. 

Hi GTG,

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss and the fact we have to meet under these circumstances. I too lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly this past 4th of July. He was 34 and I had just turned 31. Then, three days later, I gave birth to our first child (a daughter).

I found the first few weeks (even months) a rollercoaster of emotions. To the point where it felt like I was going crazy! But I found this to be a normal part of my process  as with others. 

My advice would be find a good support system whether that be family, friends, an outside third party or even all three. Being able to express how I was feeling openly without being judged has been very crucial in my healing journey. There are even times when I don't want to really talk to anyone but still get how I'm feeling out so I have a voice recorder for those moments. Some also take to journaling which helps as well. Find what works for you. 

Also, be sure to take care of yourself mentally and physically the best that you can. Rest, exercise, hydrate, eat well... just the basics. I took to exercise as an outlet (mainly for all the anxiety I accumulated) and it does wonders! I dance for an hour and also take my daughter for a mile walk everyday. Not going to lie though, sleep is VERY difficult for me and not because of my daughter because she actually sleeps all night! My husband passed while I was sleeping so I have it in my mind that bad things happen while I sleep. I've tried meditation, acupuncture, herbal teas... they work for a bit but then I'll be back to being wide awake again. So I do use sleep aids at night mainly because I so need the rest in order to take care of my daughter during the day. 

I am at a point in my grief now where it is not that overwhelming and suffocating sense of loss. I do still think about my husband every single day but the pain isn't as acute. I find a lot of comfort by being able to read other widow/ers experiences on here and knowing things do get better one day.

This journey is long and difficult. Do what feels right to you because unfortunately there is no set manuel for grieving and everyone is different. Take it all one day at a time and if that's too much, just one hour at a time. Feel free to post and/or reach out whenever you like. Take care!

-Kimmy

thank you for your encouraging words K. 

Thanks for sharing this, it is really encouraging to read.  My husband passed away 4 months ago he was also 34.  We have two young daughters, 2.5 and 6 months now.  I just moved from CA to MI to be closer to family to have help with the girls.  I'm finding it really difficult to be able to express openly how awful and not ok this is, especially since I am meeting a lot of people who never knew Ryan.  I just have the feeling that no one gets it.  Did you feel that way, or how did you move past that feeling?

hugs, Rainbow

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