Nice to meet you all. I'm sorry we have to meet here for this reason. Grief sucks doesn't it?
My husband died June last year. One month and 5 days after cancer diagnosis which was found during a 'somewhat' routine surgery.
Although it can't be classed as a 'sudden loss' I guess...it was still pretty sudden to me.
He died while we were in the UK, on a family trip we had planned before his diagnosis. He wanted to go now more than ever given the terminal diagnosis. Instead of recouperating on the trip and getting stronger in readiness for the chemo that he was going to start when we got to the US, he developed sepsis from the surgery and got progressively worse. We took him to the hospital in the UK and he was told although the sepsis was very serious, the cancer was a very aggressive form and had already taken over his liver and he was already in Liver failure with only days left to live.
He was initially diagnosed with cancer in the colon, then found it had metastasized to the Liver (therefore stage 4 and terminal).
The UK trip took on a whole new meaning after that as he knew it may be his last, and no one could talk him out of it.
It was rough, but thankful his family was around him when he passed. Mike, myself, his 2 teenage children and his mom were also on the trip with us. His dad joined us when he heard the news and knew he didn't have long. Also his ex wife came over to be there for the kids.Thankfully his dad made it over just in time. Mike died the day after they arrived.
I am from the UK originally (now in FL), so we were all staying with my family there. I think Mike knew that there was a likelihood he may die on the trip, but I guess in the back of his mind, he knew my family would be there for me too. He was always thoughtful like that.
He was also a nurse, so he knew EXACTLY what was going on, what his chances were, what the alternatives were and what the outcome would be.
I miss him everyday. We were soul mates.
Thats my story in a nutshell. Its been a roller coaster of events since May last year. I'm doing OK, I guess. I've accepted it. I know I must go on. I know he wants me to be happy and I try to live each day with love in my heart and live each day for him in his honor. Adjusting is hard with a broken heart.
Thanks for listening :-)
hazydays2 we share some common situations - sudden loss, sepsis and in the end, failing liver. This is a caring and supportive community.
Hi Hazydays. I am so sorry for your loss. Your story rang true with me. My husband died last year in March from pancreatic cancer which had spread to his liver. Phil had no chance of treatment as it was terminal. From diagnosis to Phil passing away was only seven weeks! I feel for you and hopefully, on this site, we can all support one another. By the way, what part of the UK are you originally from? X
Like all the other members, we don't want to be in the position we find ourselves in- that of being without our other half. My other half, Rick, escaped his pain on December 20, 2017. He'd only gotten diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer the end of August. Incurable, inoperable but with chemo and Keytrudra, we'd hoped to at least manage this. At least that's what we hoped at the beginning. But things went poorly after his second round of chemo. They did his labs 10 days before he died, so he must have been strong enough to have been given his 3rd round, but his body just crashed. No white cells left and no platelets. He passed within one hour from the time the ambulance got to us (1 mile from the hospital) and they were working on him in the ER. I am just to grateful that he's out of pain, which was getting pretty bad. He knew he was dying days before. I just couldn't accept what I knew, too. I remember walking out of the ER, saying out loud to myself, 'now I'm a widow'. And while I had a few months to do the anticipatory grieving, it was still such an earth-moving shock to me.
We'd met 18 years ago on an online penpal site. No dating for him or me, since we'd had enough with our respective ex'es. He was a 47 year old Brit, and I was a 44 year old returning college student in California. He invited me to the UK for Christmas break in 2000, and we were amazed and shocked at how perfect we were for each other- He proposed before I headed back to CA, and I moved to the UK in June of 2001 and we married that July. We only ever had one argument in the entire marriage- we were just so happy to be together. My mother has started her long journey into Alzheimers 4 years later, and we realized that we'd have to move to California to support her. I was telling my story to a long-time acquaintance that I've just gotten together with again after 20 years. She said 'you know, that is best fairy-tale relationship I've ever heard of- you two were so lucky to find each other!"
Like we didn't know that. Now, every day is getting a bit easier. The past year has been one I never would wish on my worst enemy. My mother passed Thanksgiving 2016, I had to put down 2 of our old St. Bernards and our old cat we'd brought back from the UK, then Rick- all in the span of one year. Enough already. Now, somehow, I need to find a purpose for my life. I had tried to keep our artisan preserve and marmalade business going, but I just became so worn out, that I had to give that up. One way or another, I will NOT allow this grief to rule my life. I have given into it for 2 months, and that's not going to stop for awhile, I know. But I am feeling stronger, a bit more, every day. I still keep in touch with my stepdaughter in the UK and with my stepson here in CA. The second worst thing will be this coming October when my stepson will be married. All of his family from the UK, including my lovely stepdaughter, will be coming over, and it's going to be VERY difficult and bitter-sweet. The only thing that I can look forward to is that the wedding is 'costume only'. So that will at least relieve some of the stress by watching and guessing who everyone is. That is me, right now. Tomorrow, I may be a weeping mess, but I haven't cried now in over 2 weeks. It feels good to get past the feeling that every waking second I'd break down. On the other hand, I feel guilty for NOT feeling so bad anymore. I SHOULD feel bad- my Rick isn't here anymore. This is so confusing. Well, that enough of me for the intro. I hope to meet up with many of you fine people in the chat room or on the boards.
Walking this path of grief with you all, arm in arm, and in solidarity.
Shoosie2 AKA Steph
Steph, its now 8 months since Helen left my side and I still struggle with that guilt thing. There are times when I am feeling quite good and then think why am I feeling this good when I don't have Helen. And when I do cry its not that easy because I don't have a flow of tears but intense internal distress. I am also ok when doing those things I used to do without Helen, going to the rugby, down the pub with the boys, etc. but when I do things that would have involved Helen (a recent birthday event for our grandson) it just breaks me up.
So sorry you have had to join our club but I hope you get as much help as I have had. Ray
Hi, everyone :) After a debilitating illness that started after her first back operation, my fear wife Sharon for 43 years went Home to be with the Lord on January 19,2018. She suffered from idiopathic progressive neuropathy, atonic bladder dysfunction and neurogenic bowel disorder as well as scoliosis and, finally, inoperable aspiration pneumonia.
She was my best friend, always had my back and, while we didn't share always the same viewpoint, she nevertheless was the person I turned to for advice, companionship and love. That love was based upon the premise that the more you give to someone else sincerely, the more you receive. After all, as the Wizard of Oz told the Tin Man, "My friend, a heart is NOT judged by how much it loves, but rather by how much IT IS LOVED!"
Thank you WV for letting me join your community. It is not something I would have chosen of my free will but I am so glad you all are here at this time of my life.
Marty so sorry that you have joined us and it seems that you and Sharon have had a hard time before Sharon was taken away. Like you Helen always stood by my side but would always say that whilst she loved me dearly she didn't want to live in my pocket!! Some one recently asked me if I would ever "move on" or some such words as that, but all I could think of is that no one could love me more than Helen loved me so I don't know where that leaves me. If I can offer any advice is to use this forum to let out your thoughts and feelings it has helped me in the past 8 months. Again so sorry about Sharon. Ray
I fully understand what you are going through. I lost my wife in January of 2017. She had a short illness which we were assured by the doctors would not be life threatening and she would recover. However, they missed and suddenly her blood pressure dropped extremely low and her heart stopped beating. I know you have been able to take comfort in the fact that your wife is in Heaven but that only helps so much with the pain and suffering that you are experiencing here on earth. As you will find from talking with others in this group that are many stories out there and unfortunately they are all sad. Now that I am in excess of 13 months I still struggle with everything now that my wife is gone. If I can offer any assistance to you I will be so happy to do so.
Thank you both Maryt G and Helens'Ray fo rsopnding
Today is 3/2, and I'm feeling vulnerable since yesterday since things have gone tit's up on stuff on the property. I have found someone to fix the gate on Sunday. But I've had a grief wave hit me today, and all I can think of how I should have been a better wife.
Steph, we all could have been better one way or another. I spent years away from home working and leaving Helen and the boys alone, and consoling myself that I was doing it for the family. As it was I did do better but unfortunately Helen did not live long enough for us to really take advantage of the that time away from home. But in the time we had we did do a lot and Helen's sister say's that Helen was really really happy. I can say don't beat yourself up but you still probably will, but I would hope you don't really think every thing is your fault. Could do with someone to move the snow here, I am in the UK and I have 4 foot drifts around the house. Ray
Oh, I so identify with that. I yelled at him once when he dropped his dinner on the carpet and the next thing he was in intensive care and I was sitting in the corner crying about how horrible I was when he was so sick. He did come home after that episode but I nagged him about his diet and taking better care of himself and now I feel guilty that I didn't just tell him how much i loved him instead of being on his case all the time. Those grief waves are intense and hit me at the most inopportune times. Especially when someone innocently says the word 'husband' and it hits me hard that I dont' have one anymore and I usually just burst into tears.