Please accept my genuine condolences on your loss. You have embarked on a journey that has no manual. Last Monday marked the 4th year since the awful day when my husband died unexpectedly from a massive heart attack. He has just turned 51 a couple of weeks earlier and I was still 50. We have no children and our canine son passed five years before my husband. I think it must be exasperating for a mother to try to heal and fix her child when their rationalization and advice do not help and sometimes even hurts.
I've learned a few lessons in my own journey. There were many who offered to help and be there when I first lost my husband and yet, I can count those who actually did so on 2 fingers. I've also learned that the best person I can rely on is me. That's not to say that I don't recognize and appreciate help when it is given. It is very difficult for someone who has not experienced such a loss to fully understand it. Grief is not something you simply "get over." You simply distract yourself from it as best you can and some days/moments are definitely better than others. This journey has many twists and turns and, while some may possess similarities, now two are exactly alike. Please know, that there are healing people out there that will simply listen, allow you to cry and talk and grieve for your husband. Even now, there are still days when I have my moments and need to cry. Some you will find on this website and others that you come across may surprise you.
You may also find that there are plenty of people that will offer advice. Glean from those offerings what you believe is best for you as, you are the best authority on what is best for you. I also went to therapy and I spoke to a couple of priests in the beginning. It helped to speak to an impartial person or persons that were willing to listen and allow you to shed the valid tears that you needed to release.
I trust and hope that you will find sanctuary and solace on this site.
Wishing you courage, strength and love on your journey.
You are so right about the best person you can rely on is yourself. I learned pretty quickly that I was "in this alone" and I have to learn to take care of myself, by myself. Grief is very exhausting!
It is exhausting and can often be incredibly frustrating! We are the authors of our own lives and we make it up as we go along.
I remember each step and breath that I took in the early days of my grief feeling as if I were taking a bullet. I could not look anywhere or see anything that did not remind me of a memory with my husband because they were experiences we could no longer continue to create. Each time I saw a restaurant we'd been to or even sat on the subway on my way to work reminded me of trying new restaurants with him and sitting squashed up together on the subway as he read the paper while I had my arm linked with his. This was not simply an emotional pain I was experiencing, I physically felt as if someone had punched me in the heart.
In my experience, those memories don't go away but in time, they become easier to live with and some of them might make you smile one day. You may also find or have found that while your husband is no longer physically with you, the love you have for each other did not die with him.
Nieta, so much you write (not the subway part!) feels familiar to me. I have scouted out new restaurants in order for me NOT to feel the loss of him and his perpetual smiling presence. hope take away:
My hope take away in your words: "the love you have for each other did not die with him." That's comforting, reassuring. Thanks for this.
I am glad that my observation, brought you comfort. The double-edged sword that we carry on our journeys not only bears the blood of our wounded hearts, but grants us the ability to offer drops of healing and comfort to others similarly wounded.
You may find that not only does your love for each other remain, it will continue to grow.
Wishing you peace and strength in your journey.
While you are your best reliable resource, please know that truly compassionate and healing individuals do exist out there. Keep your eyes ears and, most importantly, your heart open. You will find many of those here - even if only virtually.
My father recently passed last October 24th and, while our experiences are not exactly the same, only now can my own mother truly understand some of what I went through and, in some respects, continue to go through. That's not to say that only those who have experienced our type of loss can be of comfort - only that they can somehow empathize with our experiences.
Welcome! You’ve found the right place.
Our dog was the biggest help throughout this process. The number of people who disappointed me during the last year is long. I can completely relate to the good intentions going to crap. Silly me, I believed people who said if you need anything, let me know.
I highly recommend attending a Camp Widow if you can.
Hi. I'm a new member. I lost my husband and best friend on Feb 1, 2018. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in June '17 and nothing has been the same since. We were imperfectly perfect for each other :) I've never known anyone who LOVED life so much. He didn't waste a moment of it. We had plans, we had grandchildren, we had. Now I have. I have to keep going but alone. I am moving through each day and I want to honor him and his love for life. Sometimes the grief is in my throat and chokes me, sometimes it clenches my stomach, sometimes it just creeps around my chest. Everything is changed, every thing is a first, first trip to the grocery store with out shopping with him in mind, first trip to the bank, etc.. Every moment is uncomfortable and I feel like a fish out of water. My family and friends are here for me but we all know there is nothing that can be done other than breathe through it all and sit with it. I can't reconcile this. How could that amazing, nurturing, intelligent, warm man NOT be here? It seems impossible yet here I am without him. So I carry on with each moment, I walk the dogs, I care for myself, I get out in the world and live because those are all things he did so beautifully.
DeeDee I am so sorry for your loss. Each of us in this community, knows to varying degrees, the depth of your sorrow and anguish. You will find what you might seek here in this place is a place for you to be with other - as you call it - fish out of water. For me, it'll be 6 months on Feb 28.
We each want a different ending to our story. One where we are still living, happily, ever, after.
Moment by moment it is now DeeDee. Sometimes anything, everything, nothing brings a wave of emotions that come over me. My husband lived every day of our 49 years together, 47 married, with a passion of, this day is better than yesterday. Then, of course, it wasn't.
I'm sorry you're here and glad you found your way to a most caring and supportive community.
Thank you. The roller coaster ride that began with the diagnosis is not over.
Hi everyone, I'm a new member.
My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in January 2016, and went into remission in June 2016.We had some of our most enjoyable time together while he was healing and we were celebrating his recovery.
By October of the same year, he began having rounds of pancreatitis. By January 2017, the doctors had located a brain tumor and determined that the pancreatic cyst they had been watching was actually the spreading cancer. He passed away in July 2017.
I have been doing fairly well with it, I suppose. I had a lot of time for anticipatory grief, as the end result was apparent to me months before it happened. That didn't make losing him easy by any means, but I think it really helped me to adapt. I have found myself changing in a lot of positive ways lately, and I am settling into my new life. I knew that his passing would cause change in me, but I didn't know exactly how it would happen. I'm finally starting to feel like I'm establishing a new normal.
I am 37 years old, and he passed away at age 46. We were together for 16 years, married 12.