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Consider attending Camp Widow in San Diego in July. 

Hi I am Rose. I live in Orlando, FL . I have been a widow for 14 months. I attended camp widow this year and thought I should look around the site. So here I am. 

My husband Don was 59 when he passed after a 13 month battle from Pancreatic cancer. It was a tough year and it was not easy being a care giver but I would not have it any other way. We were married 27 years and have one son who is 19. I also have two Chihuahuas. I work from home for a hotel chain and am grateful for that. I try to get out of the house when I can with friends or just by myself. It does help. 

I hear the second year is harder but I don't feel that way yet anyway. The lows hit out of the blue around a special occasion or when I am in the super market and they play the sad songs. 

That's it for me. Hope to hear from some of you.

Hugs Rosek

Also, I live in SoCal myself.   I live near DTLA.       One of Soaring Spirits biggest fund raisers is a bike ride in the fall in Simi Valley..     I usually participate.   See you there!

Yesterday was 2 months since my husband Greg left this life on his next great adventure, another victim of the nasty 2018 flu season.  I keep thinking I will wake one morning and find that this has been a terrible nightmare and that he's still here, bigger than life.  He'd been diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis 10 years before, but managed to outlive his doctors' estimates of how long he had left.  He even survived massive pulmonary embolisms 2 years ago.  In spite of all this, I was not at all ready for him to go.  He was in much pain from multiple spinal surgeries, so I am glad for him that he's no longer in pain, but am still selfishly wanting him here.   He was confident in his belief in a life beyond this one; I'm more of an agnostic.  A hopeful agnostic, I guess.

We were married 18 years.   They say "no man is an island", but we two were an island to ourselves.....Ma and Pa Megabyte.  I have no children; I have 2 cats, and one juvenile tarantula who helped me get over many years of arachnophobia.  I am going this alone, as I have no family nearby and no close friends.  I collected fountain pens for many years, and still write with them on a daily basis.  I remember loving robots, and Spongebob, and spending hours in used bookstores.  My interests these days are mostly staring out the window and.....well, that's pretty much it.  I read, when my scattered mind can focus enough to do so.  I feel stuck and frozen most of the time.  Even this post sounds frozen and stuck...I want to uncurl my armored little shell and connect with people through this site.  

Ma_Megabyte,

I can only imagine how you are feeling.  I am now almost 14.5 months into this journey and it is still so very difficult.  Right up until the very end we felt that my wife was going to recover and then our life would continue on.  The doctors that we had visited all ensured us that was to be the case  but it sure did not turn out that way.  I know at 2 months you are probably in a great fog and just trying to work you way through all of this the best that you can.  You will find much support in this group and hopefully that will help you in the many days ahead.

Larry

Thank you, Larry, I am very sorry for your loss.  It sounds as though you do know what I am going through; we were all set to bring my husband home on Hospice care 2 days after he died.  Everyone has been so kind here; it feels very different than any other online grief group I have found.

All the best, Ma

Ma,

I really do know much of what you are feeling.  Right up until the very end I had very reason to believe that my wife was going to recover as all of her doctors had said so.  She died from septic shock.  Her blood pressure went so low that it actually stopped her heart.  The paramedics were able to get her heart restarted and she was taken to the hospital but with all they could do for her she died the next morning.  I have very little support except from what I get from this group and what help I was able to get from Grief Share.  There are many days that I go through without ever seeing another person that I know.  On top of all that I have been through with that I lost my Mom last month.  I am 63 and I really believe this is what is to become of my life for the rest of the time that I have on earth.  Please write anytime you feel like it and maybe we can share some encouraging thoughts.

Larry

Allmyheart,  I am going to tell you a little about my story and if you feel up to it would love to hear what you have been through.  To start with my wife died January 20, 2017.  She had just turned 64 the month before she died.  Our story is going to sound different than many stories that you will hear.  In August of 2016 my wife told me that she felt something was not quite right and she felt her blood pressure could be high and needed to get it checked.  So I said sure and we went to one of the local drug stores that has a medical unit inside of it to do simple things like that.  Turns out her blood pressure was perfect 120 over 80.  Then it was my turn.  I have had high blood pressure for about 15 years but had been off of medication for about 3 years.  As you would expect my blood pressure blew through the roof.  My was 199 over 135.  Everyone was freaking out and wanted me to go immediately to the hospital. Instead we went to a medical facility and they gave me an appointment for the next day.  While we were there for my appointment my wife asked one of the nurses if she could weigh herself.  The nurse said sure.  When she got on the scale she weighed 107.  Her normal weight was 140.  How I had not noticed the weight difference I don't know.  Anyway we took that and got my wife an appointment for the next day.  The doctor she saw said her protein level was down and started her on those Ensure drinks and referred her to a doctor to checked her digestive system.  We got in to see him in about 2 weeks.  He ran some tests and called in  about a week and said the test results were in.  They scheduled an appointment for the last week of September and told her she gall bladder problems and in all likely hood would at some point need to have her gall bladder removed.  We told the doctor that we were planning to go stay in our condo at the beach the first of October and would be gone the entire month.  He said no problem go and have fun we will talk more when you get back.  He then referred her to another doctor and that appointment was for November 2nd.  When we went to see him the word cancer came up.  But again he said do not worry everything will be fine but he fussed at me and told me I needed to quit smoking.  Then started a series of cat scans and finally what we were told was that she had an infection near her colon.  Just before Christmas it was determined that what needed to be done was they needed to insert an needle, attach a line and put a bag on the end of the line to draw out the fluid from that area.  That was scheduled for December 27th.  We went that morning, she was prepped and off she went to have this procedure done.  When she got downstairs the doctor came and said there are two ways I can do this.  The first was as had been previously discussed and the second was he could put her to sleep and in a few minutes extract all of that fluid.  She opted to be put to sleep.  Somehow their signals got crossed and nothing was done.  Right after the first of 2017 we got a call from her doctor all upset that nothing had been done and the procedure was rescheduled for January 10th.  As we are waiting for all of this to happen she is continuing to get weaker and weaker.  We went back on January 10th and this time the needle, line and bag were installed.  We then came home and 2 days later she felt the best she had felt in ages.  She had more strength and everything seemed to be heading in the right direction.  However two days later she began to throw up and then this turned into an everyday occurrence.  She called her doctor and told him what was happening and he said no to worry this would clear up.  During her last two weeks she had become so weak that I had to physically lift and put her in bed at night and help her out of her recliner during the day when she needed to go to the bathroom and then walk with her to get there and back.  On Thursday evening the 19th she het me know that she needed to go to the bathroom and so I lowered the foot rest of her recliner and lifted her up.  Immediately she went straight to the ground.  I picked her up put her back into the recliner and let her sit there for a few seconds and then lifted her again.  This time she took 3 steps when she said I can not got any more.  I picked her up off the ground and put her back in the recliner.  Then I let her sit there for about a minute and when I was ready to life her I said if you can stand this time I will lay you on the bed.  I lifted her she started to go down and so I put her on the bed.  I left her there for about 2 minutes and said this time if you can not stand I will but you on the floor.  Which is what I did.  Once she was on the floor she immediately rolled over on her left shoulder and threw up.  I then ran for my cell phone and called 911.  Just as the 911 operator was getting on the phone I saw every bit of color leave her face and I saw her take her last natural breath.  The paramedics arrived.  Were able to get her heart restarted and off to the hospital we went.  She remained on life support until the next morning at 9 at which point her heart stopped for the third time and I said enough.  Only then did I hear the cause of her death septic shock. 

Larry

My heart also goes out to all that have lost their spouses seems like error on the doctors.  I too feel that way.  I should have done more and you feel powerless, you think you are in good hands with the doctors who care for our spouses.  

There are just no words to express what I feel in my heart for all of us that are left behind.  Every time I do something that he would do around the house I think "he" used to do this.  Now its all left up to me.

 

Allmyheart,  How long ago was it that your husband died?  I know what it is like to go through the what ifs.  I am pretty much past that point now because it really does no good expect to keep you feeling worse.  How much of a support group do you have?  Based on what I have learned in the past 14 months the bigger the real support group is the better a person seems to do.  That is where my real problem lies.  Outside of this group and another person from Grief Share I am severely limited.  This marriage was a second time around for both of us and we met later in life.  We were married just short of 20 years. 

Larry

HI Larry,

I am also 14 months out and ca relate. It does get better but it does creep on me when I least expect it. Hate not being in control. I have found local support but find that that is not always what I need. Feel free to vent anytime.

Rose

I am sorry for your loss as well, allmyheart.  Although I am sorry you are going through this as well, it is a relief to know that it's not just happening to me.  I am close to your age...61, and counting before my dear husband I have been married a total of 33 years.  I also try to get out of the house; even just for coffee or to the library.  

All the best, Ma

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