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Ma,

I really do know much of what you are feeling.  Right up until the very end I had very reason to believe that my wife was going to recover as all of her doctors had said so.  She died from septic shock.  Her blood pressure went so low that it actually stopped her heart.  The paramedics were able to get her heart restarted and she was taken to the hospital but with all they could do for her she died the next morning.  I have very little support except from what I get from this group and what help I was able to get from Grief Share.  There are many days that I go through without ever seeing another person that I know.  On top of all that I have been through with that I lost my Mom last month.  I am 63 and I really believe this is what is to become of my life for the rest of the time that I have on earth.  Please write anytime you feel like it and maybe we can share some encouraging thoughts.

Larry

Allmyheart,  I am going to tell you a little about my story and if you feel up to it would love to hear what you have been through.  To start with my wife died January 20, 2017.  She had just turned 64 the month before she died.  Our story is going to sound different than many stories that you will hear.  In August of 2016 my wife told me that she felt something was not quite right and she felt her blood pressure could be high and needed to get it checked.  So I said sure and we went to one of the local drug stores that has a medical unit inside of it to do simple things like that.  Turns out her blood pressure was perfect 120 over 80.  Then it was my turn.  I have had high blood pressure for about 15 years but had been off of medication for about 3 years.  As you would expect my blood pressure blew through the roof.  My was 199 over 135.  Everyone was freaking out and wanted me to go immediately to the hospital. Instead we went to a medical facility and they gave me an appointment for the next day.  While we were there for my appointment my wife asked one of the nurses if she could weigh herself.  The nurse said sure.  When she got on the scale she weighed 107.  Her normal weight was 140.  How I had not noticed the weight difference I don't know.  Anyway we took that and got my wife an appointment for the next day.  The doctor she saw said her protein level was down and started her on those Ensure drinks and referred her to a doctor to checked her digestive system.  We got in to see him in about 2 weeks.  He ran some tests and called in  about a week and said the test results were in.  They scheduled an appointment for the last week of September and told her she gall bladder problems and in all likely hood would at some point need to have her gall bladder removed.  We told the doctor that we were planning to go stay in our condo at the beach the first of October and would be gone the entire month.  He said no problem go and have fun we will talk more when you get back.  He then referred her to another doctor and that appointment was for November 2nd.  When we went to see him the word cancer came up.  But again he said do not worry everything will be fine but he fussed at me and told me I needed to quit smoking.  Then started a series of cat scans and finally what we were told was that she had an infection near her colon.  Just before Christmas it was determined that what needed to be done was they needed to insert an needle, attach a line and put a bag on the end of the line to draw out the fluid from that area.  That was scheduled for December 27th.  We went that morning, she was prepped and off she went to have this procedure done.  When she got downstairs the doctor came and said there are two ways I can do this.  The first was as had been previously discussed and the second was he could put her to sleep and in a few minutes extract all of that fluid.  She opted to be put to sleep.  Somehow their signals got crossed and nothing was done.  Right after the first of 2017 we got a call from her doctor all upset that nothing had been done and the procedure was rescheduled for January 10th.  As we are waiting for all of this to happen she is continuing to get weaker and weaker.  We went back on January 10th and this time the needle, line and bag were installed.  We then came home and 2 days later she felt the best she had felt in ages.  She had more strength and everything seemed to be heading in the right direction.  However two days later she began to throw up and then this turned into an everyday occurrence.  She called her doctor and told him what was happening and he said no to worry this would clear up.  During her last two weeks she had become so weak that I had to physically lift and put her in bed at night and help her out of her recliner during the day when she needed to go to the bathroom and then walk with her to get there and back.  On Thursday evening the 19th she het me know that she needed to go to the bathroom and so I lowered the foot rest of her recliner and lifted her up.  Immediately she went straight to the ground.  I picked her up put her back into the recliner and let her sit there for a few seconds and then lifted her again.  This time she took 3 steps when she said I can not got any more.  I picked her up off the ground and put her back in the recliner.  Then I let her sit there for about a minute and when I was ready to life her I said if you can stand this time I will lay you on the bed.  I lifted her she started to go down and so I put her on the bed.  I left her there for about 2 minutes and said this time if you can not stand I will but you on the floor.  Which is what I did.  Once she was on the floor she immediately rolled over on her left shoulder and threw up.  I then ran for my cell phone and called 911.  Just as the 911 operator was getting on the phone I saw every bit of color leave her face and I saw her take her last natural breath.  The paramedics arrived.  Were able to get her heart restarted and off to the hospital we went.  She remained on life support until the next morning at 9 at which point her heart stopped for the third time and I said enough.  Only then did I hear the cause of her death septic shock. 

Larry

My heart also goes out to all that have lost their spouses seems like error on the doctors.  I too feel that way.  I should have done more and you feel powerless, you think you are in good hands with the doctors who care for our spouses.  

There are just no words to express what I feel in my heart for all of us that are left behind.  Every time I do something that he would do around the house I think "he" used to do this.  Now its all left up to me.

 

Allmyheart,  How long ago was it that your husband died?  I know what it is like to go through the what ifs.  I am pretty much past that point now because it really does no good expect to keep you feeling worse.  How much of a support group do you have?  Based on what I have learned in the past 14 months the bigger the real support group is the better a person seems to do.  That is where my real problem lies.  Outside of this group and another person from Grief Share I am severely limited.  This marriage was a second time around for both of us and we met later in life.  We were married just short of 20 years. 

Larry

HI Larry,

I am also 14 months out and ca relate. It does get better but it does creep on me when I least expect it. Hate not being in control. I have found local support but find that that is not always what I need. Feel free to vent anytime.

Rose

I am so sorry for your loss Ma.  My husband died after a short battle with bladder cancer in February.  I had him home for less than 2 weeks when he passed.  I still have my parents for support and folks at work have been wonderful.  Then the two cats have me running in circles, I have to stay a bit grounded for them. No children, three stepkids who are grown and made me a Grandma long ago.  They have been supportive from afar.  My brothers in law have been great shoulders to lean on, too.

I'm hoping for nice weather soon so I can go out and play in the yard and watch my flowers come in.

I lost my husband on March 3, 2018 at 41 years old. We had been married for 15 years, inseparable for 18 years. We had one of those whirlwind, love-at-first-sight romances. Our kids are just 10 and 14.

He was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis on August 7, 2017 and assured that with lifestyle changes he would be back to normal life expectancy. He immediately made a complete turn-around in his life, getting rid of all alcohol and fatty foods, drastically cut his salt intake, started exercising. His disease progressed rapidly. There were many hospital stays over the next few months. By November, he needed a cane to walk short distances, a wheelchair for anything longer. He desperately needed a liver transplant, but because he admitted to drinking they wouldn't transplant him until it had been at least 6 months and he had completed a 3-week inpatient rehab program. By the time we learned of the transplant centre's requirements, he was too sick for any rehab centre. In January he was admitted to the hospital for the last time. His blood pressure dropped dangerously, his temperature plummeted, his kidneys were shutting down, and the doctors advised me to let him go. I had him transferred to a larger hospital, where they stabilized him. Many things happened over the next 6 weeks. I fought hard to get my husband the liver transplant he desperately needed.  I got a lawyer and did media interviews. By the time the doctors finally agreed to grant him a transplant, it was too late. They took him to the OR for the transplant surgery and discovered that his entire small intestine had died. There was nothing more they could do for him. I lost my best friend on March 3, 2018.

I am fortunate that I have wonderful supportive friends surrounding me, carrying my children and I as we walk this awful journey. My parents are staying with us for the time being as well. I'm exhausted and angry and feeling completely lost.

Dear Redwidow, my condolences. It is very good that you have found the WV. I hope that you find peace and helpful, understanding thoughts here. You are very new to this journey that we are all on. It is very hard. If you are experiencing a fog right now, don't push it away; it is there to protect you. Having friends and family near is a real blessing. Right now, concentrate on  yourself and your children. Put one sock on at a time - it's a real accomplishment. Your love story is much like mine. I met my wife on a blind date in highschool and we were together for 32 years (25 in marriage). Thankfully our adult children still live with me. Write what you want here. Many times I've been helped through the terrible waves of grief by the words and experiences shared here. 

Redwidow, so sorry about your loss and particularly the circumstances surrounding it. The loss is just so hard, Helen passed away 9 months ago last Friday, but when you have the pain and anger about the manner of the loss you must be in the wilderness. And having to show support for a 10 & 14 years old must be so draining.  I hope you get as much emotional support from WW as I have. If you need to get those worm like thoughts out of your head in the late of night or early hours of the morning when sleep won't come this is the place to vent or let out your cries.

 

Hi RedWidow.

Your story sounds a lot like mine, except the time-frame was much shorter. When we learned my husband had cirrhosis, it was October 16, 2016, and his liver was already failing. About a week later they confirmed his kidneys were failing as well. He was hospitalized for two weeks, in hospice for one day, and took his last breath on October 30, 2016, at the age of 43. I was 31. In a couple weeks I turn 33. I am raising my 10 year-old son, Owen, who has special needs and was my husband's step-son. My son's dad is an abusive man, and lives in another state. My husband Shane did not qualify for a transplant either, because he was literally drinking the day he ended up going to the hospital. We were only married for two years; in fact our 2nd Anniversary was Oct. 18th, while he was hospitalized. I am glad you have supportive friends and family. You will find you need to rely on others for somethings, and for somethings you will find strength within yourself. You will find a lot in common with many people here. (((hugs))) to you.

-Debbie

Dear RedWidow:

I lost my dear husband to liver cirrhosis too. He was diagnosed on December 23, 2016, and died on February 10, 2017. The only hope we had was to get a liver transplant, but time was not in our favor. It is a terrible disease, indeed. My hubby never drank or smoked, did not have diabetes or high blood pressure. He was 47. It was a shock to both of us and my life changed completely after that. In one and a half month I lost the love of my live, my job, my house and my credit. We were married for 23 years and did not have children. I miss him every single moment of the day. Since he worked from home, I was the one who drove to work and came back home. I was with him every moment that I was not working.  

It is normal that you feel angry. I was angry as hell, depressed, numbed and lost. This path is the worst that anyone has to walk. My parents have been (now I live with them) a blessing, and my four doggies. I am still taking antidepressants (Zoloft) and visit my psychiatrist every three months. I am from Puerto Rico, so as you can imagine, Hurricane Maria did not treat us well. The 2017 was a horrible year for me. 

It is a long and hard road this that we are walking. Take one step at a time. You will be better, do not rush. I wish you peace.

Hugs to you,

Ixia

RedWidow, I am so sorry we meet. Here. I find this season of my life, an incredible, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, brain taxing, time. When I visit WV, For me, this is a place of so much understanding, as we've all lost our best friend.

My husband of 47 years died unexpectedly suddenly after routine hip surgery, 7 months ago, on Aug 28, 2017, just 3 days after his birthday.

Liver cirrhosis inhibited his body from fighting sepsis. He never told me any doctor diagnosed him with anything but FATTY liver. Different. 

Even with a team of cardiologists, and his fighting hard for 28 days, they could not save him. With 2 quintuple bypass surgeries from age 45, on his side, there were, cardiologists, pulmonologists, (lung failure took him to emergency room), diabetes specialists, hematologists (they knew the infection was in his blood), oncologists (they were able to treat low platelet levels and probably some I forgot. I lost someone who was everything to me.

You have so much to be grateful for with friends and parents supporting you. I have just one adult son who lives on the west coast so I can't imagine having to be there for your children too although there are MANY here on WV who do/have done just that.

It is an exhausting time, which for me, magnifies every emotion I have, and dulls the world around me.

Sending you hugs and prayers. I hope you'll find this to be a place of connectedness, kindness and support, as I have.

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