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BP I agree with Athena you have had a very difficult time on top of losing Joey.  Athena glad you have some bright spots in your life,hope I can get there some time.

Thank you Athena53 so much for the kind words. I have had a hard life, but when Joey came into my life, he melted it all away and made me feel whole and loved for the first time in my life. He was my rock and made me feel like I could do anything. Over the years our love for each other grew to an amazing love. He moved in with me within the first 2 months of dating. In the first year he had a seasonal job, but could not physically do it anymore, so he completely stopped working. I hadn't worked for 5 years at that point due to my own health issues. It was after this that we did everything together and whenever we were apart from the other(which was rare even at this point) we missed each other and couldn't wait to get back to the other. We were 2 souls that had grown into 1 soul going through life. This is what gave me the strength and motivation to do what I did for my husband. I know 100% that he would have done it for me, no questions asked! You are right, my life revolved around my husband's care and I wouldn't have had it any other way. We were a package deal. And yes, I would do it all over again for him in a heartbeat, no questions asked! I am here only by the grace of God, but If he called me home tomorrow, I would RUN to Joey's open arms without hesitation, excited to start a new chapter again.

Even with all of my own health issues, it never stopped me from caring for my husband. My husband fell a few times where I had to lift him straight from the floor. My husband years ago was a volunteer fireman and had 30 years of service, so my husband was too embarrassed to have me call them for a lift assist, and that was ok. Many times he was able to get to his knees and if given a chair to push up off of, he could slowly get his feet under him and raise himself up. Then it got to the point that he could only get to his knees and I would lift him from there to his feet. He was 6' tall and I'm 5'7". Towards the end years he was too weak and I needed to lift him from the floor. One in particular, he was around 360lbs., he had tripped in a small area of the kitchen. There was only room for him and I in that space. I hoisted him to his knees, but he couldn't hold the position, so I bear hugged him around his chest using my strong legs to lift from. I raised up to my feet while holding him, but it wasn't enough height for him to get his feet under him. So I leaned backwards to give him the needed extra height, and that is when I felt the pop in my lower back. He did get his feet under him, but I blew my back out and the damage was done. That was just before the summer of 2015 and at that point I was the sole caregiver to both my husband and brother-in-law, who passed away on 11/27/15. I gimped around in pain for a couple of months, never neglecting my caregiving duties, until I was able to get into a back specialist. We were told that I had a bulge at L4/L5 and it was pushing on the bundle of nerves that fed my hips and legs. It was pain killers or surgery. I chose surgery. They did a bunch of other procedures that were unsuccessful and I tried the sedation. The sedation does not knock you out, it only makes you loopy feeling all of the pain anyways. The sedation made me so sick that all I wanted to do was puck the whole 45 minute ride home! That is why I never did it again. In June of 2016 the final surgery worked and consisted of 10 long needles (5 on each side of my spine) directed under X-ray into each nerve while electricity was apply until the nerve was killed. That was done on each and every nerve in the bundle leaving me not able to feel my lower back, even to the touch. I did this awake without sedation and it was excruciating pain, but within 20 minutes after the surgery I was already feeling relief from my back pain. It took 3 days for the feeling to come back into my legs and feet, but I was pain free and I didn't care! I was told that it would only last about a year, mine wasn't quite a year and that leaves me till today. The pain is back, as well as, my gimp, with no one to drive me home from the surgery. They will not do the surgery unless they physically see a driver for you and for security reasons they will not allow you to get in a taxi. I am just grateful that my lower back & hips were pain free through my husband's last days on Earth. I am sure that eventually I will find a volunteer to drive me home so I can get the relief that the surgery gave me. I don't blame Joey or anyone else for my back, I did it to myself, it's just one more thing that reminds me of The Love Of My Life.

BP you really have had it very hard with the physical pain of your injuries and the pain of losing Joey.  The words that come to mind to me is what our hospice nurse said to me the day Helen passed she said "Ray I have not known you very long but in seeing what you have been doing if there had been any way of saving Helen you would have found it", I thinks thats same for your Joey.

Ray, thank you for sharing and that IS so fitting! I would have done anything to keep The Love Of My Life with me! I used to tell anyone who would listen that "You can take away everything I own, including my bank account and as long as I had my husband, I was good"!

Widowed on 7/15/17.  Just looking for some support.  My husband was my soulmate.  It took me 46 years to find my soulmate and we quickly realized we were perfect for each other and married around a year later.  We had our wedding bands made out of aircraft grade titanium (my husband was a pilot) and Gibeon meteorite inlay.  Then we got married in front of a giant T-Rex statue at Dinosaur World.   That was a little over 3 years ago.  He died from a heart attack during the night.  I have no children, and not close with my family.  My husband was my best friend in the entire world, and now he's gone.  He was an amazing, compassionate, gentle soul.  I went to see a therapist today for the first time in my entire life.   I was totally disillusioned.  She gave nothing but the usual cliches that you hear over and over:  "You'll have lots of ups and downs," "Just take one day at a time," "things will get better in time."  Right now, all I see is darkness and feel hopeless about the future.   

Raven,

I just read your story and am so sorry for your loss.  Your story so resonates with me that I got up and I want to reply to you.  There are many common areas in the story we both have to share.  I think I can help you in many ways to understand what you are going through.  As like you, my wife and I met later in life.  We were in our early 40's when we met and we wound up leaving the marriages that we were in to be together.  We were married exactly 2 years to the date and time of our first physical meeting.  As I am sitting here writing this to you, it has just turned midnight, and today marks 200 days for me.  My wife died quickly and suddenly on January 20th.  Later this month would have been 20 years of wedded bliss for us.  Another strong common area that we share is that I have little personal support to help me in this journey.  The main support I have comes from a member of this group.  That person and I made contact during the middle of February and there is rarely a day that passes that we don't make contact.  If you will write back to me I really think I can help you understand much of the journey that you are about to undertake.

Larry

Raven.. I haven't yet told much of my story here.. Although I joined late last year. My lh died May 2016. We were only married 1.5years (together 5.5yrs total). This being my only marriage, as I waited. However he was Widower with 3 adult daughters (he lost his first wife the year before we met). I in my 50s and he 60s. He died suddenly massive heart attack. I attempted CPR,it kept him alive until paramedics arrived. The year has been surreal. My grief is like ocean waves.. as far as handling how I process his loss and yet my own future without him.. The person I hoped I'd finish out life, and live purposely doing so. Now I'm trying figure out a completely new path, because everything changed in my world when he died.. Well that's way it felt for months..but I am still me, and my life includes other people.. family and friends. Yet these relationships have also been similar to waves or have become stagnant and I'm re-evaluating. I have no contact with my lh family which has been a real trial.. They have chose that path.. I in turn now choose to accept, as I am determined to love them from afar, but live my life with purpose and healthy choices. I did see counselors, one which frustrated me, and the other that is a lovely person who listens so it gives me a human contact to bounce my words and thoughts off, but I know with my faith where my help truly comes from and I'm stronger than I realize at moments. My lawyer and other people meant well thinking the common knowledge of give it time, don't do any drastic changes. But I know myself better than they, and although I couldn't convince them (as to get them working more fiercely to assist me quicker) I am equipped to assist myself and others along the way. My nature was already an advocate.. So now I more seasoned.

In meantime I pray you find your strength, do not let others tell you how to feel or what you should or shouldn't do. But ill throw out there, love yourself fully and know you have life and purpose to still live. And take what you grew with your husband, and make it blossom along your path in meeting others and sharing life.

In my belief that's what will give love stories even "more" purpose... Love expands with continuing to give and receive it.. And there are many ways to do so.. Doing life with my lh husband, grew me as a person.. I don't want that to be lost.. I want that to be utilized in my life forward and to make a differnce. Sorry for rambling.. Sending you virtual hugs and much much empathy..

hello, my husband died may 10th 2017, I am searching for support.

My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer last year in the spring, had a massive surgery, went through 4 rounds of chemo, had complications and we were given a few months to recover, while he was told that the cancer was no longer there. He was to continue the chemo "just in case" once the complications were over. In the meantime the cancer spread to his liver and killed him before anybody could realize what was happening (the test results were negative for cancer markers and some other misleading complications).

While my husband was in the hospital for the last 10 days of his life my father was admitted to the hospital in my home country with severe lung problems, he suffered from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease for years. He died barely a month after my husband. I couldn't even go to his funeral.

I have a 15 year old daughter, we've been married 16 years, known each other 18 years. I changed my life completely to be with him, moving to the US from another country, with no family or friends here. Yes, now I do have a few friends, I have a job, life but... life without him doesn't make any sense. We had so many plans together, I miss him every minute of every day. He loved life, was such a happy person and never really believed he had cancer or that he might die of it.

I do not know who I am anymore, I loved to be his wife, his partner, companion, friend. I never thought possible to be so close to another human being as I was with him.

Hello Malgosia, my condolences. I had two hard deaths too - my dad and ten months later my wife of 25 years. It is good that you found us. Read what others say and write when you feel like it. You are early on in this process. Know that you will learn to live again but right now, concentrate on yourself and your daughter. The feelings  you have right now are totally normal (though terribly difficult to go thru). Ask for help, forgive those who say insensitive things to you and be pleased with yourself for putting one shoe on at a time. I do know what you mean by "I do not know who I am anymore." I feel this way because who I was can no longer be. My wife and I met when we were very young and for 32 years, I was her man. Hang in there.

You have found others here who truly know what you're going through.  I lost my husband of nearly 15 years (together for 20, so pretty much half my life)  in a mountaineering accident in June of 2016, 10 days after his mother passed away from cancer.  It was a very rough summer for us.  I have 2 daughters, now aged 9 & 11.  I wanted to tell you about a camp I found for my girls to attend, as your daughter may wish to attend next summer.  It is located around the country and is for kids who have lost a parent, sibling, or someone very close to them.  It's also free.  My girls will be attending next weekend and are so excited about it.  "You mean it's all kids like us?"  A friend of mine heard about it and sent me the information.  It took me a while to look into it more, but I'm glad I did.  I'm hoping they get a lot out of it.

https://moyerfoundation.org/camps-programs/camp-erin/

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