Oh! Mareli I see you are hurting so bad, it's so difficult finding words to help you through such a difficult time. I lost my Helen in June and found the whole thing really made for more exhausting through the lack of sleep. 6 months on I still rely on sleep aid medication. Getting a reasonable nights sleep doesn't change the situation but it gives me the strength to manage what I have to do, day to day. I have not had the need to look for counseling up to present, having the support of really good friends but it sounds like your daughter does need some help of some sort. I am staying with my son's over Christmas but really want it all over and done with, so I can get back to my new normal. Please use this site to get your feelings out there. Ray
Mareli, It is good that you have found us. Like HelensRay says, use this site to express your thoughts. You may have to ask your friends and family members for help with specific things. All of us have experienced, to some degree, the fact that our society has no idea to support those who grieve as we do. Can you get you and your daughter to a group or individual counseling session? My son and I found it to be somewhat helpful. For you, loosing your husband is like loosing more than just the man. Like my wife and I, we were together for a long time and death came unnaturally young (my wife was 50 when she had a sudden and unexpected heart attack). I feel like 2/3 of me is gone: my wife and the relationship that defined my entire life and personality. It's been 2 years and I still cry and suffer from guilt much as you have. I know though that she would not want me to stop living. As you say, we have our children to live for still. Since my wife's death, my children and I have taken brief holidays away from work and we've found that helpful. Hang in there. Take care of yourself and your daughter. You are in my thoughts today.
Hi, yes the pain is excruciating. I met Ray 43 years ago and like you it was missed and he died of advanced cancer 47 days later. Try to let go of the guilt. Your intention was love for him and you would have done anything for him. These things just happen. Remember when we have good intentions that is what we have to remember. The world is flawed sometimes and mistakes happen. The friends thing is common and that is why you landed up on this site. Everyone here understands and knows how you feel. I tend to think others can't cope and therefore they can't help us.You will get thru this. Good days and bad days. Reach out to all who can be there for you and us. It is early days and you will become stronger. Sending you love and good thoughts.
I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my 51 year-old husband in February after he was hit by a distracted driver while walking our new rescue dog in our neighborhood. Initially, he had four fractured ribs, but within a week, that progressed quickly into pneumonia, then ARDS and sepsis. We did everything the doctors told us to do, but the infection just really took hold. He ended up in cardiac arrest on the way to the ER - and CPR was administered so long, brain death was eminent. It was a very sudden, unexpected death.
We were also high school sweet hearts, and married for 30 years, so I fully understand what it means to lose your soul mate. I am only 50. If I let it, I could suffocate from the grief also, but I know he would not want that for me. Please try not to feel guilty because carrying that is so hard. And you did everything you thought was the right thing to do at the time.
I also do not blame the guy who hit my husband. What good would it do? It will not bring my husband back. And my husband would not want that for me. I am trying to stay positive and finding ways to move forward while honoring him by living my life to the fullest. We have two girls, age 26 and 28. My oldest has had a hard time, but the fog is starting to lift a bit. I go to group therapy for widows twice a month, and it has been very helpful. I see a therapist regularly, and I also went to camp widow in August, which was very comforting as well. Have you and your daughter talked to any therapists? It may give you both coping strategies. Blessings to you and your daughter.
Thank you so much. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this nightmare.My younger daughter had a surgery yesterday and another one is schedualed next Fri.Waiting in the hospital where my husband died,I felt lonely and desperate.Is this the way we are going to spend the rest of our lives?Can you call it life?I call it cruelty, punishment, sadism, meaninglessness.
I was happy that my girls came home for Xmas like in the good old times.The empty home and grieve will hit me at the moment they leave me.Now I am glad I'm getting older but the time goes so slow...
I received lots ot text messages greetings from friends but no invitations to get together,just to talk or mix with people.Time to face the truth:our friends,who used to run to our home for support,comfort,protection during their divorces and problems,will never be there for me and my children.I feel so humiliated listening to lame excuses.Enough,we don't deserve all this.
I want to wish you happy new year but I just can't.I hope that 2018 will ease our pain a little,bring us good health and good new friends.I'm so glad I found you!
Your post is so heartbreaking. This journey we were put on seems so unfair. I met my wife in junior high school and we were married 34-1/2 years. All our plans and dreams were abruptly interrupted for 8 years as she battled ovarian cancer. I did think about our marital vows quite often. I thought, "this sickness and in health" part (at least the sickness part) is a vow that I never really thought we would have to deal with at such a young age.
I had trouble sleeping as well for quite a while but refused to medicate myself at all. It is exhausting! I had difficulty spending evenings in my quiet, lonely home so I would drive around in the evenings and weekends.
The guilt is so hard to deal with, but in the end, you have to know that you did all that you could! I searched for answers everywhere and sought second and third and fourth opinions always wondering if I was missing something. In the end, my wife knew we had done all that was humanly possible and I'm sure your husband knows you both did too. I found a Griefshare program and it helped me deal with guilt issues. Though, never completely. The world just does not seem right any more, but somehow, I push through.
All my best,
Greetings, I'm Susan and my LH died on New Year's Day January 1, 2015. He was snoring at 7 am and I found him resting peacefully a few hours later. My daughter and I were home. I intentionally traveled with my daughter over the holiday not to be in the house. I moved this year and thought we could change the need to escape and stayed home. So far so good. I've been active with Widow's groups in the area and attended 2 Camp Widows. I'm very thankful for company, support and safe place to speak up about how I feel today even though its been 3 years. For 2018 I'm seeking to make room for the new and all that encompasses.
Susan, I am considering a move as I feel emotionally stuck living in the same house. Did changing the geography produce positive psychological benefits for you?
I will share my story in how I came to be in this club. My wife, Christy, died the Friday after Thanksgiving this year. Christy was 50 and I am 51. We were married six years in August 2017. Both of us were on our second marriage and thoroughly enjoying being completely committed to each other. We dated for a while about 25 years ago and were fortunate enough to reconnect back in 2009.
We both were ill of health over the fall/winter holidays in 2016 and I almost lost her to a couple of cardiac arrhythmia episodes then. She had lost some notable weight over the past couple of years and seemed to have some a dehydration issues. She ultimately had a pacemaker/defibrillator implanted in January and seemed to be doing much better although she had been having some trouble with cold symptoms for a few days prior to her death.
Christy went up to Michigan to visit with her family over Thanksgiving and went into the hospital Thanksgiving day and she died on Friday before I could make it to the hospital. Her listed cause of death from the physicians was Sepsis/Septic Shock. I am still waiting on an autopsy report, but the pathologist told me one of his initial findings included severely narrowed arteries to the heart.
Christy died just months after my mother died of lung cancer back in July of 2017 in the care of Hospice. This took a big toll on both of us as my mother was in our house for several weeks before she had a fall and had to go into a Hospice care facility for several weeks prior to her death. Christy and I spent our whole summer caring for my mother only to lose my wife so soon after.
I was in absolute shock for several weeks after Christy died, just in a fog. I have cried some, but don’t seem to have much of that release in me for some reason. I wonder if I know how to grieve but I know I am extremely lonely and sad. In my free time I typically sit around staring at the TV or watching birds on my deck with a tear in my eye. I think it is still to soon after her death for me to process some of it. I am not in denial, but some days I do wish she would ‘come home‘.
I am keeping up a good routine with daily activities, and have generally returned to work albeit working from home most days. My two step kids seem to be doing okay, but I know they are hurting too.
How do we make it through such tragic and sudden losses? I am trying to find some way forward and wish there was an instruction manual for this awful time.
Dear James T, first of all, my condolences. It sucks that you have joined our group. Nonetheless, it is good that you are here. My wife passed away very suddenly and unexpected on our kitchen floor. Our young adult kids were there and did CPR. Obviously to no avail. She was simply not there anymore. Your experiences and responses are all normal. The way forward is simply to move forward (I don't mean that in the way that our friends like to say to us widowed types). For the moment, put one pant leg on at a time. That is an accomplishment. Be supportive of your step kids.
You wonder if you know how to grieve. Are you a reader? There are many good books that might put some of the shock of this in perspective. Are there any groups you can join? My son and I went to 3 sessions of a group grief thing and then 3 sessions of counseling for the both or us. We both got some benefit. My daughter was not interested at all in any of this. Prepare yourself to deal with well meaning friends who will likely say terrible things. You will learn to forgive their ignorance. In the meantime, tell them what you do need.
Come here and tell us what you want and need. We've all shared this path you are now on. It's not easy but if you are like many of us, you will learn to live again; it will take a lot of time though. You are in my thoughts tonight. Take care of yourself.
Thank you IBelieveInYou, I am sorry for your loss as well.
I have been to see a counselor for 3 or 4 sessions and it has been generally helpful although I think I am just spinning my wheels during a few of the hours there. I have gotten a little better on a few topics like feeling like I am erasing signs of my wife in doing the simplest things like cleaning her vanity sink (not getting rid of her stuff, just cleaning it). That was one of the first awkward things I thought about, shortly after taking all of the towels in the bathroom to the washer, and needing to put out new towels on her hooks because I could not bare to see the empty spots. That was a tough conversation but it was revealing and the discussion was good (yet towels are still in her spots for my benefit).
I do plan on signing up for a local young widow/widower group sponsored by the local Hospice and am starting to explore a few books. I will do this day by day and one leg at a time as you suggest.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I also lost my husband suddenly at the age of 51 to sepsis. He had four fractured ribs that led to pneumonia, ARDS (airway distress), sepsis and finally, cardiac arrest. This was just a week after the accident that he was supposed to recover from completely. It has been 11 months now, and I still don't know if I know if I am grieving correctly either - I don't know if there is a right way or a wrong way - it just sucks. Yes, I was and still am in shock to some degree. I do not cry much, but I am sad and angry at times. I do not let it control or consume me though. He would not want that. I try to stay positive as well as I can. I have gone to counseling and widow groups, which have been very helpful. I have also done a lot of reading, which has also been helpful. I take it one day at a time. Some days are better and some days are not so good - but I am managing. You will too. I just miss him dearly. Keep talking to those in your situation - there are a lot of us. So many stories - so many losses. I never realized......