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Hello, 

My name is Rebekah, I am 29 years old, and I lost my partner on July 8th, 2020. Chris and I had been together only 3.5 years, and while we were not yet legally married, we were planning the wedding, so I hope I am welcome here. Chris had sickle cell anemia, and I knew from our second date that I would lose him early; however, I never expected to lose him this early. We should have had at least 10 more years together. Every time I prepared for this moment, I planned on how to tell our kids, and how to be a single mother - I never expected to lose him before I had a chance to have any of that. 

Chris was one of the most selfless, loving, and strongest people you would ever meet. He continually beat odds his whole life. When he was born, they said he wouldn't make it to 2 years. Then it was 12, then 20... he fought hard every time the doctors said he didn't have a chance, and came through so much in his life. He faced challenge after challenge in his life because of his disease, but he never let that define him or affect his zeal for life. He made every opportunity in life a chance to smile and be happy, and those he smiled with he called family. He was one of those rare people who inspire everyone they come into contact with: through teaching at different schools, or impacting youth in his church, there are thousands of people who call him friend and mentor. Honestly, I've been blown away these last 3.5 years that I was special enough to be "his person". I loved him more than I ever thought possible - he was good to me and good for me. He taught me what love is, and how to love myself as much as he loved me. I never believed in soul mates until I met Christopher. 

He went to the hospital on June 30th for what we thought was another sickle cell crisis. In a few days, it became apparent that he was much sicker than any of us had seen him before: his liver and kidneys were failing, and he was having profuse nosebleeds that couldn't stop, because his liver wasn't producing any clotting factors. Just a few short days later, his body gave in to its weakness and stopped functioning. In the last few hours we decided to make him a DNR, since he was showing no signs of brain activity, and the hospital allowed me to stay at his bedside until the last moment. 

He was only 32 years old - young, even by sickle cell standards. I miss him every minute of every day, and am just trying to figure out how to handle life without him. I hope to find community here to grieve and walk through this process together. I found this group through a book my sister gave me called "It's OK that you're not OK"

I feel for you Rebekah...I'm new to this group but I believe sharing these stories/experiences with people in this group is very helpful...it's hard for those who have not gone through this to truly understand what we're going through.

Hang in there...as they say time heals, some quicker than others, but it sure hurts a lot at this time. I always pray for peace in my heart and mind during these times, and it sure helps.  

Oh Rebekah, I am so sorry to hear your story. Each of us has a "story" and each is as sad as the next.  But I have been told that little by little we eventually begin to feel a little less lost and alone.  Maybe these websites help.  I hope it does for you.  Know that we have all sugffered the loss of someone we love.  Don't be concerned that you knew your partner less long than some of the rest of us.  It doesn't matter.  All that matters for the moment is that you know we all feel for you.  We hold your hand and want to make you feel the strength of this group, all of whom understand your sadness, your loss, and your emptiness.  Cry when you feel like it,-- it doesn't help, but then it doesn't hurt either.  And talk to us whenever you feel like it.

Hi Rebekah, I was fortunate to have had 47 years with my Helen before I lost her 3 years ago, but your words about your Christopher show how much that man meant to you in the short time you had with him. I just hope that keeping him in your heart will help you forward in the many years you have in front of you.  You seem like a girl who will look for and accept help in your time of need, love and best wishes, Ray

Hi I'm Niko. My partner had a stroke the night of new years eve, and he never woke up. He was 36 years old, and appeared to be healthy. I miss his voice and his presence in my home and his influence in my life. I lived with him my whole adult life. The compromises we make in relationships become a part of who we are. In the past, after breakups, I have spent some time considering which of those choices I want to keep and which I want to leave behind. It feels strange and alien to be doing that in the wake of someone I never wanted to leave behind. In so many ways we depended on eachother. It is lonely to be standing in his shoes.

it is a very lonely world we get thrown into when our loved ones are taken so unexpectedly.

Sharing our sad truths in groups like this helps, but I also found talking to yourself or even spiritually with your loved one, w encouragement that you have to move on slowly and find the strength to do so, helps. 

Hi, Nico,

I'm so glad you found us.  We all have lost someone dear and I hope you will find some comfort in knowing that we can all say honestly, "Been there, Done that, We Understand." I have been writing letters to my husband, sometime every day, sometimes a few days pass before I write again.  I know he's gone, but it helps me to write to him.  I'm not sure why, but in those times when I am at the computer, I have the feeling that he reads what I write.  I hope so.  If not,  maybe at some point someone else will read it, and it will bring comfort to them.  But I think, and I hope and I pray that my husband's soul is out there someplace.  Right now, I think more about all the yesterdays of 64 1/2 years with my husband.  At some point, I hope to be able to think about today, and maybe, just maybe at some point about tomorrow.  I hope the same for you.

It's funny that you say that--I send text messages to my partner in just that way. Everyone grieves so differently; I wasn't expecting to find so much common ground here. I've found that I can pour myself into my work and where I am going with that, but thinking about the future of my personal life is impossible just yet. The plans I had for my future were built for both of us; I have no idea what I want for myself right now, and it hurts to think about. I'm not sure what the timeline is for something like that, but I hope you are able to find peace.

Especially with this pandemic thing going on, it gives us something "else" to think about moment to moment.  Maybe you can try to think about how to help a neighbor, or how to spend the next 10 minutes doing something constructive (like starting a journal or starting a garden, or going shopping, or watching a TV show.  Anything that just passes the time. Or writing to an old friend on the internet that you haven't contacted in a long time. Or looking up an old school buddy.  Just a moment to moment thing. Write anytime.  I go to my son's house on weekends but other than that, I am here. I look forward to hearing from you.

Hello everyone,

I became widowed on 4/15/2020. My husband and I spent the day together, me working from home due to COVID and he was furloughed for the same reason. After work, I cooked dinner. We ate together, watched some of our favorite shows and played with our dogs. We went to be at around 9pm. We were kissing when he suddenly stopped and sat up on the side of the bed. I asked him what was wrong.....no answer. I asked "are you okay" and his response was "I don't know". He then fell backwards on the bed. I ran downstairs to get my cell phone and call 911. I started CPR and worked on him until paramedics arrived. They worked on him for nearly an hour. I was standing in my driveway with neighbors when the paramedics came to me and said they had to stop CPR. My entire world fell apart at that moment. I fell to the ground completely distraught. I am 46 and he was only 53. He had no prior indications of heart problems so this was a complete shock!

Fast forward to nearly 4 months later. I no longer cry all day everyday. However, I do cry everyday at some point. I am still working from home which is probably a good thing. My anxiety about going out by myself is diminishing, though not completely gone. I am amazed at how much anxiety I was having just going to the grocery store. I have never had issues with anxiety in the past. But this has turned my life upside down. I'm trying to find some part of myself prior to this horrific tragedy and trauma. I find that I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends about this as much because they just don't know what to say or how to help me, not that they can. I thought it would be best for me to reach out to others who are going through the same thing. So, here I am. Not a group that I ever wished to be a part of but so happy I found it.

Thanks for reading!

Dear Harvdzny, 

So glad you found us though it's a sad group to be part of.  At least you are part of something that we hope will be a little comfort to you.My name is Phyllis and I lost my husband August 26, 2019. We had been married 62 and a half years  and I was given a lot of warning because he was very sick for a very long time.  I just didn't put it together and was convinced that we would get through it. He was 87 when he died.  He had bladder cancer, a heart condition, urine that went up into the body instead of out the normal way. That also destroyed his ability to think and he had been a brilliant engineer.  It doesn't really matter how a person dies.  Once that person is gone, the person remaining is only half, or even less than what they were before.  This group is here because we all have gone through losing someone and understand the loss you are suffering.  Talk to us.  Talk to your husband.  Talk to yourself.  I write to my husband in a journal that is now 170 some-odd pages about what I am doing.  Sometimes it helps.  I find that some days are better than others.  Some days I'm a mess and cry all day.  Some days I can stay busy and being busy sometimes helps.  I say "sometimes" because every day is different for me.  Of course, with this coronavirus, it makes things a whole lot worse.  I find that taking things one minute at a time "I'm just going to get through this fifteen minutes" also sometimes helps.  But we are all here for you.  We really DO understand because we've been through it.  Doesn't matter how a person dies, once that person is gone, no one understands how we feel except someone who has lived through it. Some stories are "worse" than others, but the end is always the same.  The person widowed is alone.  That's the reason for this group.  Don't be afraid to talk to us. See if you can find a "pen pal" amongst us.  That might also help.  

Harvdzyny I know just what you mean; after something like this, how do you talk to your friends about it? My partner had a stroke in the middle of the night; he was in a coma for fifteen days before he died. He was 36 years old and appeared healthy. Afterwards, everyone knew what had happened, and I didn't feel that it would be useful to talk to my friends about it, who were grieving as well; how would it help anyone to know what his expression looked like? Later someone pointed out to me that what I had experienced was a trauma, and that I was experiencing trauma in addition to my grief. I found that telling the whole story, even just to myaelf, out loud, helped me to move past the trauma responses that I was having. I hope for that for you. But I hope you can tell someone else about it! I'm glad you are here. Whatever happens, I hope you are able to find some comfort.

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