A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
My husband passed away on May 19, 2011. I have read where many of you will not do any cancer treatments. It was those treatments that kept Greg alive for 5 years after he was diagnosed. Yes, it was expensive and had some terrible side effects, but we had a bad first year and 3 good years before the final exhausting last year.
I feel that I have a terrific support group of friends and families, but like most of you they just don't quite get the feelings that I have. They have never had to experience them. I also have 2 sons who were 24 and 21 at the time of their dads death. That is one good thing. They are grown up and I am not raising my children alone.
Today is 10 months for me. I have lots of emotions cruising around in my brain. Lots of questions for other widows. Do you wear your rings, do you date? I live in a very small, rural community. Everything I do is going to be known by everybody else in town, so I feel like I am scrutinized at every turn. That makes things difficult.
I'm also only 46, to young to just give up and stay home. To old to be "hanging" out at bars.
I am new to this site and I think in the last week I have read a lot of the content listed here. It is so interesting and everybody is so encouraging. I think I am going to like it here.
Gdab I hear you. I'm 43 (although I just lost my second partner)...I heard a guy say at a support group meeting I go to "too young to give up, too old to start over." I thought...EXACTLY!
No choice though I suppose!
Hi ? didn't catch your name.
So very sorry for your loss.
I lost my hubby to cancer last Oct.
He only had cancer for 9 months so that wasn't TOO bad.
Didn't suffer that long.
He did have all the chemo and radation treatments.
But the cancer just kept spreading.
I don't date as of yet, but then i'm older than you.
I am gonna be 62 in June.
So don't know if I will.
I don't wear my rings but gonna get a widows ring to wear
It is really up to you do what ever you feel comfortable doing.
I like how he phrased that.
New motto for today. Thanks!
Hi gdab: If you go to the very top of this page you will find a search bar. I know there have been discussions on rings and dating and small communities. If you type in either into the seach bar, it will bring up previous discussions and you can read what others have said. I lost my husband in October of 2011, I still wear my rings and probably will for a long time. I'm not even thinking about dating, going to work on me for a while. Hugs and I'm glad you joined us here.
Welcome gdab: I have told my family that I wouldn't do any cancer treatment, but a lot of that is do to what I went through with my husband. He had pain in his back and after about 2 months of test and pain medication he was finally diagnosed with cancer. He endured so much pain and riding in the car almost killed him everyday to go to treatments. We did that for 3 months and then he was gone. So the only thing we did was prolong his pain. I love that I had 3 more months with him but after watching what he went through and what I had to watch happen to him I don't ever want to put anyone I love through that. I don't want those memories in anyone's mind.
I also have grown children so I only have myself and my dogs and cat to take care of on a day to day basses,that helps I can do only what I feel up to. As for the small town I don't have that but I have had some family and friends try to tell me how to live, what to do with my money, and many other things. I let them talk and then I do whatever I want and could care less what they think. (but that's just me)
March 14th was 10 months for me and I just turned 48 at the end of last year. No I would never go to a bar to meet people but then I really don't want to meet anyone anyways. I find I spend a lot of time alone and most of it is by choice, I have no desire to go out and do things. I do like to travel and maybe that's because when you go places that no one knows you, your just you not a poor widow. I don't get the pity looks or the friend that avoid you because they don't know what to say, or are afraid you may cry and that throws them into panic mode. This is the one and only place I feel I can say whatever I want, whatever I feel and know I wont be judged or ridiculed. So WV has been my life line for 9 months, I was fortunate that I found this site 3 weeks after KC passed away. I know that this place and the people here truly saved my life within the first few months, I have nothing but love and appreciation for everyone here. I know you will do very well here also.
My husband of 20 years passed away May 2011 after a long (3 year) illness. Taking care of him was frustrating because he didn't want to get better. He wouldn't do his physical therapy, he wanted a magical pill to make it all better. His health deteriorated then he heart and kidneys failed. He needed heart valve surgery but wasn't healthy enough to withstand the surgery. The fix was wearing a C PAP mask, which he refused to do. After 3 hospital stays included one 2 week stint in ICU, he told us he would rather die than wear that mask. So we took him home. 27 hours later he breathed his last breath.
I am grateful that I had one last night with him. He had withdrawn from everybody the last few years of his life. I wonder if he knew he was getting ready to die. He was ready but I was not. I have many regrets. I hope that I took care of him well. He was so depressed. it was hard to know what to do for him. I did my best for him and tried to take care of me and the business too.
In the early stages of my mourning I was amazed at the depth of my anger. I lashed out at everybody. I know its the grief talking but if you haven't had a significant loss in your life, you don't understand what a widow is going through.
After the anger wore off (i still have to deal with it time to time) I realized I knew what love was. Funny how you don't know what you have till its gone. Leonard Cohen once wrote: "Love is not a victory march, its a cold and broken Hallelujah" Thats how it was with me. Love is the quiet denial of self for the sake of your beloved. I'm glad Joe didn't know the sacrifices I made for him because I did it willingly and hopefully.
Joe would have done anything for me, i knew that. I did my best to reciprocate.
I also know that he loved me. Beyond anything and everything...Joe Loved me.
I am blessed. Many people run through this life searching for love and never finding it. I had it and it was the best time of my life. Thank you Joe. thank you thank you thank you.
beth, what you went through sounds so difficult and yet you have emerged from the other side with strength, gratitude and love. welcome here, i am sure you will find comfort in the words of others on this same path. (((hugs)))
Thank you. I wish i didn't belong here but I know I do.
Sometimes I wonder if the grief shows. Can other people see it. I hope not
I dont know if strangers can see grief or not, but when I am in the company of people that knew my wife and I,I feel they treat me differenty. This has caused me to avoid family functions, like weddings,or other celebrations were my aunts,and cousins will be attending. Its not a problem when in the company of strangers.
I think it does. I started a thread at Daily Strength that I feel some of us have an "aura" of grief, and a lot of my friends there agree. I too am treated differently by family and friends, even after two years.
Hello to all. I just joined a few days ago.
I am a 46 year-old widow with a 14 year-old son. My husband of over 20 years died mid-December 2011, so it has been just three months of living with this huge void in our lives. Last year during Spring break, he was diagnosed with a rare cancer and it was already Stage IV. They told us he had an estimated life expectancy of 1 to 3 years, but he only lived 9 months after the initial diagnosis. It was living hell going through chemotherapy, radiation therapy and a clinical trial. Nothing could stop the cancer. My life has been turned inside out and upside down. I have to start from ground zero because I have been a homemaker that worked part-time just the last couple of year. I used to have a career but stayed home to raise our son. Now I am a single mother and in the process of figuring out what I want to do.