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Permalink Reply by cj on -
I found this discussion by accident but glad I did. I too have not wanted to go on for the longest time and hearing others feeling the same way makes me feel my thoughts are not that unusual. My dr tells me the depression is more than grieving, but can't seem to find my way out of this place. Susieg - your comment about trying "another 24 hours in case it might get better" keeps ringing in my head. I guess that is what I am doing, but still have suicidal thoughts all the time. It would just be so much easier, I think, but harder on others. Thank you to all for being so open in your thoughts. It's good not to be totally alone.
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Permalink Reply by Juls on -
The best thing about counseling and therapy and group is that you can say these things to a professional and not be judged. As long as they believe you're just expressing a thought - and NOT a PLAN, then you won't be "institutionalized". I know because I'm a counselor and I've allowed myself to be really honest with my therapist about suicidal thoughts.
I'm really sorry that other people have dysfunctional families who haven't been supportive - but it's a relief to hear my story isn't all that unusual.
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Permalink Reply by boomerskid on -
Hi -- I lost my husband on February 13, 2012, after a 9 month battle with colon cancer. He was diagnosed in May 2011 at Stage IV (primary tumor with mets to liver, lungs, and lymph nodes)- with no symptoms until about a month before he went into the doctor. At age 46, and as a triathlete, it really was the farthest thing from our minds.
We have three kids, a son age 13, and two daughters ages 10 and 9. We actually didn't tell the kids he had cancer up until his last hospitalization on Feb 10, and since he was still running and working full time right up to that day, they really didn't see anything going on. His strength was amazing. HEavy duty chemo for 9 months, a failed surgery last fall to try to remove as much from his liver as possible, and never missed a day of work. How many people have the strength to do a three day meeting with live presentations, with a 5FU pump on their belt -- without anyone realizing that was even there. I sure wouldn't! The day he went into the hospital, I had to persuade him to postpone a large meeting at the office until the following week -- he wouldn't hear of cancelling it. Ultimately, he died before the meeting could occur.
He truly believed that he was going to find a way to survive until our youngest graduated from HS -- and we pulled out as many stops as we possibly could. In the end, the primary tumor perforated his colon and he died of sepsis.
This has been a strange journey so far. When he was diagnosed, I closed my business and went back to work at my former company to ensure we would have access to health insurance in the event he had to quit working. It's also the company that he worked at for 16 years (I've got 20 years there) so LOTS of people there were surprised. No one (with the exception of his boss, my boss and a couple of close friends) knew he was sick, so when he died it was a real shock to a lot of our coworkers. So much support from work, friends and neighbors, and family. His family has struggled -- his brother is the only child left, his mother is having a very difficult time (wanted to have a separate funeral in their home town -- which he left 30 years ago) and seemed to be looking for as much acknowledgement as possible for her pain. It's created some challenges as I really feel our jobs as adults are to help the kids process and figure out our "new normal". I'm not trying to discount her grief, but sometimes it seems like it's "all about her" and not about the people who will be most significantly impacted -- the kids that now have to grow up without their father.
I'm back to work, and the kids are back in school. We have lots of support from my family, and from friends. We're seeing a family counselor to help the four of us figure things out, and we are getting on with getting on.
That's the start of my story. I really didn't want to be here at 45 (I know none of us do) but I need to figure out what this looks like now. Hoping to find some support here from people going through a similar path.
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Permalink Reply by Juls on
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Boomerskid
What a horrible shock - and so little time to even adjust to "terminal illness" - my husband didn't have symptoms for the first 6 months and it's very surreal to think back to that time. Maybe someone else can deal with your MIL while you focus on yourself and your kids. Family counseling is great - keep going. I don't know what it's like to have 3 fairly young kids in the house. All our kids are grown. But there are lots of distractions with kids that age - be sure you schedule some time for yourself. I'm sorry for your loss. Glad you're here.
Juls
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Permalink Reply by Jerry on
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You husband must have been thinking of sparing the kids the fear of their Dad being sick, by keeping on with his normal activities. That shows how strong a will he had.The people here know that the spouse and kids are hit the hardest by the passing of their loved one.I know a parent or sibling doesnt want to see their relative pass away, but in the end the spouse and kids are the ones that lost the person they lived with. You are in the begining stage of this grief journey, it will get a little better as time passes, although you may not belive this now.You will find much support and understanding here I am sure.
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Permalink Reply by moosemama3(Renee) on -
Sounds like your husband had amazing strength. My husband too was convinced he would live to continue to see our kids grow up, but was scared upon finding out his mets'd to the liver and the rapid pace in which it was growing. We told our kids immediately as he always felt they should know everything, no secrets was his policy. Where they didn't know detail for detail they did know of the illness and things going on.
My husband was dx with colorectal cancer no mets or anything May 2010, he was finally feeling better after that surgery when Jan 2012 he was told it mets to his liver. there was nothing in october, 3.3cm in jan and in feb when they removed it along with 70% of his liver it was 8cm..They said chemo never would have helped and realistically neither did the surgery. they gave him maybe 3ish months w/o surgery and up to 2 yrs with. He had about the same amount of time either way. I sit here at 36 with a 17yr old, 14 and just turned 12. He passed away March 23rd so tomorrow is 3 weeks for us.
Renee
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Permalink Reply by Joyce on -
Hi boomer: You will be so glad you joined us here, you will find lots of support. I don't know what I would have done without this place it has truly been a lifesaver. I agree that your first job is you and your kids. There are a couple of others on a similar path I'm sure they will offer support soon. Hugs!
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Permalink Reply by chez2all on -
Hi, this is my 2nd foray into widowhood. The first was in January 2001 when my darling husband of 18 years died following a 16 month battle with brain tumours. This was an awful time, trying to raise 3 kids aged 7, 13 and 15 (the eldest has multiple physical disabilities) and having been a stay at home mum I had to resort to government help to survive. Survive we did. And gradually we learned to flourish!
When the 2 eldest finished high school I enrolled in TAFE and earned a Business Diploma to try to get some qualifications behind me with the hope I would be employable. Early in December of that year I met my new love whom I married the following July. We had a wonderful life together, lots of overseas travel, making the most of our time together.
In the early hours of March 14th 2012 my 2nd husband chose to take his own life - for many reasons - his ongoing health, pain, emotional distress from his earlier life. I don't agree with his decision but I understand his reasons. (He left notes to all those close to him).
I cherish the years we had together and both of these incredible men will always be in my heart. Both had a huge impact on those around them and I have been blessed to have the privilege of sharing part of my life with each of them.
My daughter in all her 18 year wisdom has decided I should never remarry but become a crazy cat lady... because everyone needs a goal in life! Yes, humour helps enormously.
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Permalink Reply by Dianne in Nevada on -
I'm so sorry you've had to travel this road twice, chez. You've found a place to provide you with support and friendship on those days when you don't feel like being the 'crazy cat lady'. We have other Aussie's here and others who have had multiple losses. Take a look at the Groups and join those that fit. And if you type in 'humor' in the Forum discussions search box you'll find 71 responses! So jump in and join the discussions here. Welcome!
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Permalink Reply by going to make it on
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Like you I am on this journey for the 2nd time. Was married over 30 yrs when my 1st husband died of cancer. He kept it from us fit over a yr. I was at a dr appt with him when the dr asked what he had decided about surgery and/or treatment. I say he wanted me to know or he wouldn't have taken me to that appt. Any way, he died 2 months later. I remarried 13 months after that. 7 months after, we were told he had stage 4 lung cancer & hadd a tumor in his trachea larger than his trachea! Gave him les than 2 weeks. After surgery, they gave him less than 3 months. He lived 1 1/2 yrs. I'm 17 months out now. Have a 10 yo home. She was 6 when my 1st husband died :( (((hugs))) You have found a great place for support.
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Permalink Reply by chez2all on
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thanks going to make it...i've found a lot of support and helpful information since I found this sight a couple of days ago. It's all too hauntingly familiar territory isn't it? Very hard for you both, but you are not alone. I wish I'd found this site last time, it may have saved me a lot of heartache.
BUT - i am determined that I am not going to waste any more time on too many negative emotions and experiences - moving forward is the motto. I found a lovely quote on here - don't wait for the storm to pass, learn to dance in the rain. So much of my life seems to have been in storm that no more time should be wasted as we only get one chance at this life and we need to make it count.
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Permalink Reply by going to make it on
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:)
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