A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Friendships. What happened to them? And are YOU a good friend?
In a way, this is my most difficult subject. More than his end of life, more than my rage or sadness. And it's the one that many folks on FB seem to gripe about the most and bitterest.
What's your story? Is it still changing? What are your hopes for your friendships -- old ones, or just with others who aren't widowed?
Tags: friendships, years_of_widowhood
Views: 1761
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by kgb1 on -
It's been awhile since anyone has posted on this thread....I am new here (but widowed five years.) I have no friends! It is very lonely being a single parent widow. I don't know anyone who gets what it's like to be me. Help! Advice?
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Permalink Reply by Kat on
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I have been widowed 9 months now.
When hubby was dianogised in 2007 friends rallied around and very suppotive. 4 yrs into his illness they forgot him. Had a good circle of friends. What happend?? Too scared with reality and there own imortality?? After we were told he only had weeks to live GUESS what some them where around again and I ask why. To make them feel better??? Say they did the good thing and saw him before he passed. This makes me so angry. So now I am here alone and truley found out who yours friends really are. Now learningto make a new normal. Not easy but I AM A SURVIVAL!!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Dianne in Nevada on -
Kat - I understand how you feel, as that happened with us, too. Friends just weren't in for the long cancer battle. It felt like they had expected him to die during that first crisis-filled year and when he didn't, they signed off. But 4 years later they packed his memorial service. I was angry for quite awhile but I finally decided I was giving those people too much power over my feelings. I can't change what happened and I really wouldn't want them around now after that. So I try to just not spend any time thinking about those who disappeared. It's easier at 22 months.
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Permalink Reply by Dianne in Nevada on
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kgb1 - Have you joined the parenting groups here? There are 2 of them, based upon the age of your children - and they have a private discussion area. You'll find the group list here: http://widowedvillage.org/page/groups-new
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Permalink Reply by Mandy on
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This is my first time posting here.. I lost my husband 8 months to a 3 year battle to cancer. I lost my best friend during his battle as she could not stand the negative energy. I lost faith in friends and still have a hard time with this as i don't really want to talk to friends for fear that they will get sick of me. I have also found that family has also disappeared which is something that i did not expect. Everyones life moves forward and my girls and i are left behind. Non widows don't understand that in losing a spouse you loose family friends and anything that you once new. I have two girls, 9 and 12 and they miss their aunts and uncles...camping trips that we all went on together this year we were not invited and my girls are devastated. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary and no one remembers not sure what i will do. sorry to be such a downer i know that things will get easier with time just waiting for that.
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Permalink Reply by Cristina on -
Mandy, so sorry to hear about your loss, and also about the way you guys have been dropped by family as well. I just realized the other day, (at 16 months tomorrow) my own family dropped me like a hot potato. It is only some members of Billie's family who still are there for me, which doesn't surprise me, they knew Billie and know how awesome he was, and know how badly I miss him, and they are grateful I was there for him, unwavering, in the last years of his life, through terrible times, indeed - they appreciate that I brought love into his life, even though we only had a little over two years together, they have told me he never before had the sparkle in his eyes that he had once we were together. So I have them, thank God, but not my own family and not most of my local friends, anymore, either. Billie had to have an emergency tracheostomy, and most of our friends stopped coming to see him, after that, which hurt really badly, as Billie was a people person, and someone who would always drop what he was doing to go comfort a friend in the hospital, bringing his guitar, and singing gently for them, as well. So, really, I have felt this isolation for almost two years now, since that trach went in, and Billie could no longer entertain people like they had all so enjoyed when he was healthier. I know he would forgive all this, he was that way, so understanding. I myself, I don't know, it isn't I don't forgive them, it just hurts. I am so grateful to Billie's sister and her daughters and grandkids, who keep me in the loop and love me up when I am hurting. Without them, I just don't know. Mandy, don't apologize for being down, hell, we're all down...letting it out somewhere like this where we will be heard and not judged is important, not only for our own healing, but for others, to see we are not alone in these strange feelings and these strange abandonments. I wish you the best, Mandy. Take good care. I am so sorry for the way your daughters are being hurt, as well, that is just unthinkable, that people would exclude you all, now. May you find new family, true family, who can handle the imperfection in your lives, the imperfection of having loved and lost your dear man. I wish you all healing and comfort.
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Permalink Reply by Joyce on -
Oh Mandy, I'm sorry, you're learning what a lot of us here have found out. I had a very good friend who three months after Tom died I overheard tell someone else that I was too sad for her to deal with and we haven't spoken since. For the most part I stick to myself and don't share with anyone. I just talk with co=workers about general stuff. It can get very lonely. Don't ever worry about being down here, that's what this site is for. Try to start some new traditions with your girls, I know it is a big adjustment for them. Happy Anniversary Mandy, try to wrap yourself in your memories and love, Hugs!
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Permalink Reply by Mandy on
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Thank you for writing.. It feels really good to have this understanding.. I appreciate it very much something I have not found. Today is my 14th wedding anniversary, first one alone and no one has called me. Went to the cemetery with our german shepherd who was wonderful company and just lay on his Dads grave peacefully..My girls are not ready to go to the cemetery and only want them to go when they are ready. I am very thankful to have found you all although not under such circumstances. No one understands anything that I am feeling and all i do get from friends is that its been 8 months already move on.. so I just don't socialize..I used to be a positive motivating person and all i want to do is sleep.. which i don't as i have two little girls that need me..I hope that as i heal that i can help others through this passage.
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Permalink Reply by Joyce on
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I know people who haven't been through this don't understand, but when you've been married for so many years 14 in your case and 22 in mine, how can anyone think that in 8 or 10 months you are supposed to have moved on. I'll never understand that.
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Permalink Reply by Cristina on
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Mandy, sorry to be late in acknowledging your anniversary. I so hope you found some way to honor the date, and I so hope someone, anyone, called to comfort you...and if not, here we are here, to hold your hand in essence and offer you our understanding and condolences, and hopefully, some comfort. Your friends just have no clue, let them know if you must that many of us have been widowed longer and are still in the grips of a deep and overwhelming sorrow...you have every right to your feelings and your sorrow and your daughters and you need all the support you can get. If here is the only place you can get it, then drink it in here. We all care about you and your kids and we will always understand. It seems so strange to have to lean on strangers, but, well, thank goodness we have this option, or we'd all be a lot worse off. Best wishes. Cristina
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Permalink Reply by sofine4952 on -
First off Hugsss coming your way. I know exactly how you feel . Most of my so called friends have pretty much deserted me also. The single ones(which are few) have their own thing going on and the married ones have their own thing going on. It is only myself and my 18 yr. old daughter. The worst is the weekends. You know how every one can't wait for the weekend, it doesn't matter if its the weekend or not. Its all the same for me. Even my husband's side don't bother with me as they blame me for his suicide. You are not alone, I feel the same way. It is very lonely. The only thing I can say is that I have started doing things by myself, not fun but at least I get out instead of just sitting in the house. I did get a dog and she is great company. Just trying to make the best situation that I can.
Take care,
Michele-NJ
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Permalink Reply by jenn on -
I m so glad I found this thred...I thought it was just me... I guess I'll have to get new hobbies (reading and scrapbooking don't bode well for developing new friendships) I looked for a widows group here on long island, but most people ther were empty nesters and having a 14 yr old means I am dealing with a completely different set of issues than they were ( although it was nice to feel so young at 49 lol)it is strange that of everyone I expected to still be around, to be a support, it is a neighborhood gentleman (married) who has quietly been there...has never waivered... I come home the lawn is mowed, the gutters are cleaned etc." Shortly after the funeral I joking said the yard fairy was at worknot knowing who was taking care of the yard, I came home early one day and to thank the "yard fairy" for his kindnessand was in for a BIG surprise it was Matt, he was not a close friend of either my husband or myself( and is actually a little abrasive at times) apparently he and my husband talked during the last few months of my husband life and he promised to look out for us ( myself and my 14yr old) and he felt that he might not be able to do much but at least he could take care of the yard...He has been taking care of "his yard" for over a year...
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