A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
From Our To My
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by twinsmum on -
Most times when I discuss something it is always referred to as "ours". Or "we". I find if difficult to say mine or I as such. And on the other hand I don't want to say that in case I feel like they may take advantage of that - very confusing I know. On the odd occassion I have also said mine or I and I have so much guilt by saying that. It really causes a mixed bag of emotions....
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Permalink Reply by Susan B on -
I still think in terms of ours and we. Keith and I had so much in common, shared experiences and values, that they are still ours, not just mine. A connection still exists, always will. But sometimes (depends on the situation) when I speak to others I feel awkward about it and shift to my and I. Its all a process, so I'm trying not to put any pressure on myself one way or another. I do still feel in my heart that his car is still his and that I'm just borrowing it! I drive it very carefully, almost afraid to 'mess it up' somehow, because he was particular about it.
Like you, I am careful to use the plural around strangers at the house. I've left some of his things around the house for my comfort, but it also makes me feel safer, in more ways than just sentimenally. I think it's natural that we widows may feel vulnerable living alone, so nothing wrong with playing the "we" card.
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Permalink Reply by Braunie on -
Yes, most of the time I still say 'we' both because of what Kfw_amafi and others said but also sometimes for the security reason Susan said. About 2 months after, a neighbor commented on the 'we' and I was just too tired to explain it to him.
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Permalink Reply by Lisa (lost) Lamb on
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It's been 3 months sence I my husband passed and I still say we on everything that was we before. I think our own minds will let us know when it's ready for that change. Because I don't think any of us consciously think about it when we talk to others. You will know when it's time. Even my Mother-in-law when she talks about coming to visit me tells people she's going to KC and Lisa's house...thats what it's always been and always will be for all of those that knew us before we lost our spouces.
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Permalink Reply by denisec on -
At about 6-9 months out I found myself starting to use "my" more frequently. Of course it depends what I am talking about and to whom. It wasn't a conscious change but one that often still takes me by surprise at 18 months.
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Permalink Reply by Cristina on -
It's been about 14 months, and I am just beginning to notice the "our" and "my" thing. I'm still wanting to stay in the "We" - it feels almost like honoring him. I found myself just noticing it the other day, and thinking, "Girl, what are you thinking?" Thanks for helping me understand we all go through this. That's one of the important things I'm finding here, validation. This whole trip just throws so many strange things at us, eh? It helps me a lot, just a week or two into finding this site, to see that others go through such similar stuff. Dang it all, anyway. Man, poor us. Bless every one of our hearts. The richness we had was stolen away.
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Permalink Reply by Suz on -
This is making me a little crazy. I find myself using "our" and then I think, "girl, are you out of touch with reality?' They I will say, "our, well mine" and it really feels odd because it calls obvious attention to the fact that Jud has died. I haven't quite gotten to "my" but it's coming and when it does, I think I am going to feel very sad, like I have given up a huge part of my life.
Great topic and I cannot believe someone else has felt this but I look down and see several others in the club!
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Permalink Reply by Susan B on
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I think this is pretty universal; it will take others a shorter or longer time than we do in making the connection to "My Present LIfe" from "Our Past Life". None of which matters AT ALL. Only others who are looking at us and inspecting us for flaws would need to comment on whether we say we or I . It's none of their BEESWAX. WHAT do they know about this widowhood business, anyway. Bunch of tossers, I say. There's much bigger fish to fry if they want to be "helpful".
So I say stick to whatever possessive gives you comfort!
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