Hello everyone - it will be 7 years for me this coming May 30th.
I am fundamentally unhappy, sad, melancholy...at work people have asked me why I look so "tired" and "sad."
My son who is 24 lives about 3 hours away, but I fear is somewhat distant. He's always there for me when I need him, but he has a VERY serious GF, and they have their own life.
Meanwhile, daughter, 20, is I think frankly mentally ill. She is extremely unbalanced, and is utterly abusive. The vile things that come out of her mouth no longer shock or hurt, really, because I'm numb. and she spends money (mine) like there is no tomorrow. Yet, she's an excellent student at least.
I...was sort of pushed into selling my house - and frankly also because I really couldn't maintain or afford it by myself - by the kids, but I trust my son - he has no agenda in this case.
So I'm renting, and in 3-4 years I will buy a townhouse condo and that is my first and top priority, to make sure financially I can do it. Told daughter that in no uncertain terms. I come first now.
I am just...so tired and just want to...I just want to walk away from everything...
Timelord, You've got the key here: You come first. The hardest thing to accept is that I am not number one in anyone's mind or heart. So if I become number one in my own mind and heart I think it helps. I'm not saying be selfish. Only put your needs and dreams first. I'm also learning to pace myself, particularly with retirement next month.
I live in a townhouse condo and it's been the best decision I've made! It's only a two unit association and my neighbor does all maintenance.
I'm discovering life is about choices now. What I choose can have a fundamental impact on how I am feeling.
It sounds like you are making those choices and I believe it will help you.
Thank you so much!!!!!
I wanted to reply earlier but...my daughter had a huge meltdown beginning early this afternoon.
It seems like each episode is worse than the last.
She hates the washing machine in the apartment so ultimately that led to her demanding that I pay for an apartment for her for the summer.
Which of course I cannot.
So...she packed up all her stuff and the dog and left.
She has no money no income and nowhere to go. I pleaded and begged her not to do something this stupid but she left anyway.
I called my son because if she listens to anyone it's him. - and he's had it with her...and me and this when thing but convinced her to come back.
So it's been a few hours but we are basically in our respective rooms.
I know my son won't give her money...and daughter has no income (she's in school) to afford an apartment.
I know after her mother's death I gave her whatever she wanted...so I created this monster. Yet I also think she has serious issues...and she desperately needs psychological help. She won't ask for it and God knows I cannot suggest it or even her brother.
I oddly hope that she has a meltdown at school in the fall so that others see this...and maybe someone else can get through to her.
I just find it...it's beginning to be impossible to justify why I'm still here. What am I fighting for by myself? What is the point...
I understand completely as I also have a daughter who has the same illness as your daughter. I also do not want to be here and don't know how much longer I can go on. I will write more later as right now I am too shaky to type. Just know you're not alone. We conversed several months ago and you are on my friends list. I will pm you when I can.
Hello! I'm so sorry - I don't know how I missed your reply.
Thank you - thank you so much. It's just...everything seems so hard. Finances suck, I'm trying to sell the house - which has also become a soap opera...so thank you...just knowing one isn't alone is...just good.
Timelord, I think I've told you before, my 19yr old is a hot mess too. Just know you're not alone, also know you don't have to deal with this she's 18. I read a book years ago called teen proofing your home. It worked wonders for my 17yrs old attitude. I also made me feel validated (having to execute tough love). You may find some core help through that book. It sounds like we could share hair curling stories! xo
Hello - yes I do remember indeed! And thank you. I'm going to look up the book.
I know we could share stories - that is true.
Everything just is...like all over the place.
During grief, I found parenting our 11 & 13 years olds to be extremely difficult - almost foreign to what it was raising our oldest who was fully grown by the time of their father's death. What is to be expected as well as normal, but often forgotten, is a 20 year old is still maturing whether the young adult has had a complicated or normal childhood ...
Grief causes adults to regress back to square one no matter their age. On a different widowed site, the term "when I grow up" was a common spot on analogy of the widow/er experience ...
Anyhoo, in the formative years, grief hampers maturation in the young as they struggle to understand life while trying to cope w/the death of a parent. Each child is different. My now 25 year old daughter has lived on her own since the age of 19 & is far more productive than her 23 year old brother who lives w/me, however, neither is as mature as could be expected for their ages. It can be draining, however, from the time grief ended I became increasingly aware as well as able to cope with & accept what they were lacking. Patience was/is required for their slow maturation. Modalities for building self esteem & confidence to step up my efforts to help them grow are a tremendous help. Guidance is not always met w/acceptance or compliance, but neither are w/a normal teenager or grieving adult trying to find happiness & independence ...
Instead of parenting, I gave my children everything. I was not able to cope during their formative years to parent them as a normal mother would, I was simply overwhelmed w/grief - it took over my life. A few years later, I found a haggard looking ragdoll in the mirror staring back at me. That is when I realized how much they needed me as well as how much I needed to return to counseling albeit advanced therapy for PTSD. Talk about a wake a call! Gawd, I felt guilt, but I got over myself to take responsibility to improve our lives, not just my own. Things are now going fine - as well as to be expected for all we've experienced from our major loss & that's alot ...
Separate life coaches might be what is needed for you & your daughter for the sake of privacy. When talking w/your daughter, "life coach" is the appropriate terminology when broaching the subject for her consideration. Give her time to look up the term "life coach" to see if it is appealing to make her decision. Never to use the words "therapist or counselor" for life coach, otherwise, she will misinpret its meaning in thinking you believe she is psychologically impaired which is very offensive & could lead to more rebelliousness. Try not to get in too deep by explaining it is guidance for daily living & developing a life plan, let her do most of the footwork. Being the first to start, could open the door for her to "ask you" about it. A life coach doubles as a therapist when needed. Like yourself, the decision is hers to make. It may take time for it to happen, just give her space as well as ask for guidance on this matter from a life coach ...
Its never too late to make changes or correct mistakes ...
Parenting truly never ends ...
Good luck ...