Girlfriend doesn't like to see picture of my late wife

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bogie77 (Donna) on May 15, 2012 at 9:59pm

Brian,

I'm 15 months out from losing my husband.  I haven't started dating yet, but I've been wondering about what to do about the pictures of my husband when I do take that step. 

Then I attended Camp Widow East last month and I participated in the workshop on remarriage.  It was great!  It was presented by a married couple.  She was widowed and he was divorced.  He moved into her home when they got married.  This was a home that she had NOT shared with her late husband.  She moved into it after he passed away.  The new husband commented about how there were more pictures of the late husband in the house than of him.  She told him that he had to "earn" his way into the photo gallery on the walls.  I thought that was a great way of looking at it.  As the years went by, the new husband participated in family events and had his picture taken, so he eventually had more pictures on the wall than the late husband, but he had to earn his way there by being an active member of the family. 

Donna

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Permalink Reply by smit09 on May 15, 2012 at 10:13pm

Donna, that is a really cute story...but that may not work on a jealous woman.  Sounds like Brian's gf is a tad on the jealous side (i could be wrong)

but cute story, I really like that.

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Permalink Reply by ginadf on May 15, 2012 at 10:15pm

Hi Brian,   sorry for your loss.     Once again it only proves that only those that have been there understand what we are going thru.  Sounds like you still grieve for your loss,  dont hide those emotions.   You cant control how u feel.  your wife deserves you honoring her birthday.  I have no right to judge, but your new girlfriend should be with you that day, and do something simple together like visit her grave and place a flower.   Good Luck

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Permalink Reply by smit09 on May 15, 2012 at 10:20pm

Brian, I originally posted a comment about how your gf was totally in the wrong, but then thinking on the situation a little deeper... I thought maybe I was too harsh to judge.  

I guess what I am saying is...are you able to discuss openly with your gf about your emotions? ie your 'depression' facing your wifes bday?   Maybe she is lashing out with signs of jealousy because she just truly really doesn't understand.  have you spoken to her at all what its like to be a widow?

if you have... then honestly, she has NO right threatening you with posting pics of her ex hubs...that does not make a lick of sense! 

((hugs to you))

I can relate to the emotional boulder evading your happiness... I am currently 'depressed' right now too... next month we would have been celebrating 1 year of marriage... instead I am reminded of how lonely I am.

I hope you and the new gf work it out, life is too short to be dissatisfied! we deserve happiness after all we've been through.

Cheers to you, good luck!

peace and healing, 

stacy

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Permalink Reply by twinsmum on May 15, 2012 at 10:24pm

I agree wow....but again we can only understand the 'widow/er' loss not the divorce loss and I think she still may have some issues/anger to sort out.  I too am dating and I have two hugh multi frames on my walls with family photos of hubby/kids and me and they will stay there.  I also have a huge wedding photo on our hallway wall which will stay (until when I don't know - but I love love love that photo). I had about 4 or 5 lined up along my cupboard in the bedroom - not a shrine - but favourite photos that just happend to be there.  I bring my hubby up in conversation too - especially since I have kids.  I told him from the beginning that Craig's name would come up, some specific dates and days would also come up that cause emotional distress and supposedly he gets it.  In the end I just say or do it because that's my life.  I have actually taken the photos down in the bedroom (barr 1 which sits on a cupboard in the wardrobe).  But it also felt ok to do that and it was right timing for me. 

I do like Donna's email about the guy that had to earn his way into the photos by becoming an active member of the family.  I'll have to remember that.

If you are serious this woman you just have to let her know that the past is the past but your wife was part of your past and you have wonderful memories of her.  You now live in the present and you are here and now with her.  Remind her that she is out of a marriage that didn't work and/or there was no love left.  You lost a marriage which still had love involved through different circumstances.  Yes it is a whole different ball game and there is no comparison.

I think if you want your photos up you should have them up.  Just be up front with her and remind her you are here with her.  If all else fails hang out at her place instead of yours and then she doesn't have to deal with them.

Best of luck :)

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Permalink Reply by connie-uw on May 15, 2012 at 10:36pm

I haven't been in that exact situation (I have pics of Ron but don't have them up, and I've only dated once so far, and for a short time, since he passed), but I will say this. I long ago decided that any man who has a problem with the fact that I loved Ron, still love Ron, and will ALWAYS. love. Ron....will immediately cease to be a candidate for a serious relationship with me. I'm not saying I would go overboard about pictures and such, but Ron is a part of who I am. Period. 

Your late wife is a part of who you are, and from the sounds of it, your pictures are tasteful....Your girlfriend is being entirely unreasonable, in my personal opinion. I haven't been through divorce, but I know enough to know: they are NOT the same. For one thing, you did not CHOOSE for your wife to die. In a divorce, obviously, one or both parties choose to end the relationship. For your girlfriend to be troubled by merely seeing a pic of you and your late wife shows, as you said, insecurity on her part. Would it be too bold of me to say...Ask yourself if you want to be with someone who's so easily threatened by (reasonable) reminders that you have a late wife.... 

*Hugs* and I hope you find a solution that works for ya.

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Permalink Reply by Brian on May 15, 2012 at 10:39pm

Thanks for the replies! I liked the "earn your keep" idea, but I think that won't work in my case but really funny.

:)

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Permalink Reply by cec on May 15, 2012 at 10:47pm

wow so sorry..she has to accept you are a widow and its different...talking about her ex's would not be good...my bf seems not to mind the pics i have up...i do have kids and that is their father...he doesnt really talk about his ex wife at all ..she is still alive...hang in there i wish you all the best....cec

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Permalink Reply by gcortez55 on May 15, 2012 at 10:57pm

wow, she sounds like there is an insecurity problem with her. Your late wife is a part of the man you are now, the one that loves the girlfriend in your life now. in all honesty, if i were dating and the picture thing was too big of an issue for the relationship then i would question if this person loved ALL of me. even the parts that they don't like... Don't settle for anyone, even when you are hurting like hell and are so lonely. you deserve more. we all do. hang in there on friday. :)

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Permalink Reply by kimkirt (KK) on May 16, 2012 at 9:44am

I don't think we can compare being a widow/er to being divorced. We did not choose to leave our spouses, we were in love with them and wanted our marriages to continue. So her commenting about how you would feel if she put up pictures of her ex-husband, to me, is not relevant at all here, apples to oranges. I think just honestly is the best, explaining that you loved your wife, you will always love your wife, but she is gone and now there is room for another in your heart (her or someone else) with the understanding that you will still be grieving on certain dates, etc. We cannot abruptly stop grieving such a huge loss in our lives just because someone may ask. I don't think that is possible. I would be as open as you possibly can about this, and if it is important to you let your girlfriend know. If she can't deal with it and it becomes an issue, well, there might be your answer on your new relationship. Good luck to you.

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Permalink Reply by LaurieR on May 16, 2012 at 10:07am

I am just a little over 38 days into this journey.  All I know is you can't compare divorce to death.  I have never been divorced but if this is how you feel no one but no one would be divorced.  I am glad you found someone but I can't say how I would feel if I were in her shoes. 

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Permalink Reply by topwag (Becky) on May 16, 2012 at 10:17am

Brian:

I have been divorced and widowed and they don't even come close in resemblance. Widowhood has been much much harder of a loss than the divorce. I say celebrate your wife's birthday... it is part of who you are. As we get older we all have "our luggage" that goes with us on our life's journey and your wife is part of that. Embrace it.

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