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My wife past away about a year and a half ago. I'm dating a girl who is 32, I'm 36.
She seems to have a problem with the pictures of me and my wife. I put away our large wedding picture a long time ago. I have a couple of small ones next to her little urn. My girlfriend feels like she is intruding on a life that I want to go back to.
I personally think, her being a divorcee, maybe she is the one who wants to go back. I took down all my pictures I had on the fridge etc before she came around and just get a few small ones.
In fact she mentions her past boyfriends 10x more often than I even mention my late wife. I will say, I was here or there (when in fact I was with my wife) to spare her any awkwardness.
She wow'ed me by asking if I would like it if she put pictures of her ex-husband she divorced.
I pretty much stopped speaking to her at the moment because I am kind of in a depression because my wife's birthday is on Friday so I don't want to totally let my emotions pull me into a big fight.
But I think there is no comparison, and I should be able to have pictures. I think it is her own insecurity, so I guess I need to see if she will come around and grow up a little. :-/
Thanks for listening.
Well I answered earlier on the picture issue but in regards to the FB issue - I believe - what has happened in the past is part of the past and deserves to be remembered. A new future will flow. So all posts/pictures etc. stay there (unless as you say it is about an ex that you don't want to remember). But in saying that I will not friend my new BF on FB neither as quiet often I have quotes on there and I put a little memory or two which my friends acknowledge. And when I am feeling sad and missing my late husband I write such things. Not sure how that would quite go down with him or should I say I really don't want to put him in such a position. But we are creating a new future and if all goes well and he becomes part of our lives long term then I will also add photos of him around the house. He will definately be in any photos on FB though as this is my present and he is part of that at the moment.
Brian, I have to agree with what supra said. You need to look at this relationship very carefully. What is in it for you. Are you doing all the comprising? If you are then that is no relationship worth staying in. Someone once told me that a relationship is not 50-50, it is 75-75. If it is 50-50 you are only meeting in the middle and with 75-75 you are crossing that line and learning who that person is. There has to give and take in a relationship in order for it to work. If you are always giving then there is definitely a problem.
Anyone who unfriends me because I have pictures of my late husband on there is not worth having as a friend or being in my life. Life is to short and precious for someone to dictate to me how I live my life or any thing else for that matter.
I wish you the best and hope you re-examine this relationship and what you are getting out of it.
Facebook is a funny thing...from what your GF is saying...we can't remember our loved ones but we can keep pics up of our friends now??
i am now remarried.. i didn't have a facebook when i was married to my late husband. I got a facebook when i was single and dealing with the new chapter of my life as a non-married person. I had a lot of fun single events and took a lot of pictures. Now that I'm married, I still have all my adventures as a single up on FB.. just never took them down. I have added married life adventures, but never bothered to delete my past.. I figure why.. its still part of me. I asked my NH if he cared and he did not... I don't see why we have to erase our past life just because we started a new journey, adventure, chapter how ever you want to put it.. my NH said that FB is like a journal.. it tells the story of you.. he said he wouldn't care if i had pictures of Luke and I because he was part of me and my history.
if she is bothered by this.. that should be a red flag of jealousy that I don't think is healthy.. you had a life before her... she can either accept it or not.. and i hope she does for her sake... pretending that life started the day you 2 met seems really unhealthy for her.
Kristen, the heart shaped leaf story is so beautiful. I would treasure that leaf too.
I'm sorry this is happening Brian. I guess dating again and being a widow/widower is a very complex thing. It really is a brand new world. Take care of yourself and I hope things get better for you soon.
For your consideration (and inspired by Dianne's reply):
"Yes, I am re-married. The photo above is of me and my husband Michael. He is a truly incredible man. He attends my presentations regularly. Yep, that would be the presentation when I talk about how much I love my dead husband. Michael is our Camp Widow camp photographer for the West Coast. He spends the entire weekend in San Diego photographing the event and trying to be sure I ate something! But maybe the most amazing thing about him is that he not only knows that I love Phil, he expects nothing less. In his mind it is ridiculous to assume that I would ever stop loving someone who meant so much to me. That statement is how he won my heart. I didn't have to give up my love for Phil to have new love in my life." -Michele Neff Hernandez, in this Widows Voice post: http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/2012/06/filling-in-again.html.
Connie, you have an amazing man there! No wonder you married him!!
That's Michele Neff Hernandez writing; I was just quoting her.
My goodness Brian, I would worry about your emotional health going forward with this relationship. The loss of your wife is probably the single biggest life event you'll ever experience and it's the one that will change you the most. It's part of what made you who you are today. Absolutely no way should you restrict yourself (or tolerate anyone else restricting you) in your grief. You should always be free to talk about and acknowledge your lovely wife - whether it's a year after her death or 20 years after.
Divorce is nothing like bereavement. Why would your girlfriend have photos of her ex-husband? Their marriage broke down so they ended on a negative point. After a divorce, even a relatively amicable one, people want to wipe out the past and move on. Divorce is a choice, bereavement is a tragedy foisted upon us. No comparison.
I have an uncle who lost his wife to cancer 20 years ago. He remarried 15 years ago to a woman who had also lost her spouse. Even now, my uncle talks openly about his first wife and his eyes well up with tears and his current wife holds his hand and rubs his back. He does the same for her when she wants to talk about her first husband. It's beautiful. They both know that their first marriages were fundamental to who they are now.
Wishing you love and peace xxx
No we couldn't have kids because he cancer came back right before we were planning.
Well my GF was taking advice from some people who don't know what they are talking about. She told me she didn't want me to take my pictures down but I guess she has some kind of issue with seeing pictures of me and my wife together.
Facebook again is a really ridiculous web site. I found all the old posts. I explained to her that I did not have a hundred pictures up. Those were old posts from a couple years ago.
I can understand that if I am moving forward I am not going to have hundreds of pictures up. But this is the whole stupid issue. I had a life before, so I had lots of pictures up over time.
I think that some women want other women to be unhappy or they're jealous and then try to sabotage their friends relationships as sick as that sounds. I've seen it before.
My GF is insecure and has abandonment issues. She is willing to try to understand, but I'm just not particularly happy the way this whole being a widow thing is affecting my life. I would think anyone would feel lucky to be with someone like me who was married to someone with cancer and took care of her till the end.
Ok, I 'm just jumping in here and hopefully I don't sound too jumbled or that I've missed anything! I used to be a regular poster here actually with a different name, but have been out of the loop for a good year.
My husband passed away almost 3 years ago, and I was 29 when he died. So I have dated some, and I am in a serious relationship with a wonderful man right now. All I can say from what I've read is that if your girlfriend doesn't like seeing pictures of your wife, then she might not be the right person. My boyfriend actually doesn't mind at all, and has asked why we don't have more of my late husband up. We had 4 kids together, so he thinks it is good for the kids. Your wife is a part of your life, whether she is dead or not, and your girlfriend has to accept that. We always talk about my late husband with and without the kids, laugh and joke and be sad. I think it's simply NOT acceptable for her to not accept that.
Also, regarding Deb's post above yours....yeah...that. exactly.
Good luck <3