A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
My wife past away about a year and a half ago. I'm dating a girl who is 32, I'm 36.
She seems to have a problem with the pictures of me and my wife. I put away our large wedding picture a long time ago. I have a couple of small ones next to her little urn. My girlfriend feels like she is intruding on a life that I want to go back to.
I personally think, her being a divorcee, maybe she is the one who wants to go back. I took down all my pictures I had on the fridge etc before she came around and just get a few small ones.
In fact she mentions her past boyfriends 10x more often than I even mention my late wife. I will say, I was here or there (when in fact I was with my wife) to spare her any awkwardness.
She wow'ed me by asking if I would like it if she put pictures of her ex-husband she divorced.
I pretty much stopped speaking to her at the moment because I am kind of in a depression because my wife's birthday is on Friday so I don't want to totally let my emotions pull me into a big fight.
But I think there is no comparison, and I should be able to have pictures. I think it is her own insecurity, so I guess I need to see if she will come around and grow up a little. :-/
Thanks for listening.
Love your last sentence, Brian ... you are exactly right! Anyone SHOULD feel lucky to be with you because of how you cared for your wife. What a shame that your GF's 'friends' have had such an influence over her.
You're the only one who knows whether this relationship is worth the work to keep it going. I wish you well.
I know exactly what you mean Brian, when you talk about why on Earth would a woman not feel lucky to be with someone who was a caretaker to his first wife. I haven't started dating quite yet, but I have read some "widow handbooks" and they all mention how men are afraid to date widows. Turns out that what they are afraid of is being compared to the "perfect" Husband (your case wife) that they think has been put up on a pedestal. They are afraid they won't be able to compete with the memories.
@ UnwillingWidow, I haven't even thought of dating yet for that very reason. I know I would at this point compare everyone to my husband. I still feel married but I know that about myself so I would never start to date and put some one through that. I can't help myself I still keep KC very much apart of my everyday life, I know he's gone but I'm just not ready to let go of him yet. I'm not sure when i will be, but i do know I will never bring someone into my life until I can look at that person without judging him by KC. It's only fare.
Thank you all for the replies.
Hi- I've been through both experiences, a divorce and a death. While a divorce is NOT the same as losing a husband or wife, there are some similiarities. They are still deaths of a relationship. Divorce can be a choice -however, losing a husband or wife is NOT A CHOICE.
My ex and I were married 17 years. Some were good, some were miserable. However, at age 38 I found talking with other divorced people was easier as they "got it". Same with widows now - they "get it".
I dated a fellow after my divorce he "wasn't over" his ex wife (they'd been divorced for years). He was still in love with her, and really wanted her back. Finally I had to leave him, I wanted someone who loved me. For him, his wife leaving him was like a death, only he had to keep seeing her because of the kids.
Perhaps she talking about these boyfriends just to aggravate you as you have several small pictures of your wife?
I think you should be able to have pictures. She sounds insecure as you said. We all have "baggage", loved ones we've lost, either through divorce or death. She may not be able to accept you had another life - but some lucky woman will.
Sending blessings to you at a difficult time.
It is her insecurity. When I met my husband he was a widower and he had many pictures of his late wife in the house on the walls, albums etc. What I saw was a man who loved his wife and family. He never wanted to be a widower. I was fortunate enough to be let into his life and his kids welcomed me in and we had a great relationship. I am sorry she doesn't see that for you.
I really do think it is an insecurity, you both had lives before you met each other and have to be okay with that. And to compare a deceased spouse to an ex is a stretch. Good luck and keep your pictures up until your ready to take them down.
Brian, I don't think your relationship is going anywhere. She's making too many demands too early.
My John was a widower and I felt uncomfortable a couple of years ago when his daughter returned to the farm to live. She took out of a cupboard her parents' large framed wedding photo and placed it next to the TV in the living room.
My husband had moved on. He asked his daughter if she'd like the photo in her room and that's where it ended up.
I believe his daughter found it hard that he had moved on and found a new love, although on one level she was happy for him she found it hard to accept me.
But that doesn't solve your problem. Maybe it's time to date someone else, Brian?