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My wife past away about a year and a half ago. I'm dating a girl who is 32, I'm 36.
She seems to have a problem with the pictures of me and my wife. I put away our large wedding picture a long time ago. I have a couple of small ones next to her little urn. My girlfriend feels like she is intruding on a life that I want to go back to.
I personally think, her being a divorcee, maybe she is the one who wants to go back. I took down all my pictures I had on the fridge etc before she came around and just get a few small ones.
In fact she mentions her past boyfriends 10x more often than I even mention my late wife. I will say, I was here or there (when in fact I was with my wife) to spare her any awkwardness.
She wow'ed me by asking if I would like it if she put pictures of her ex-husband she divorced.
I pretty much stopped speaking to her at the moment because I am kind of in a depression because my wife's birthday is on Friday so I don't want to totally let my emotions pull me into a big fight.
But I think there is no comparison, and I should be able to have pictures. I think it is her own insecurity, so I guess I need to see if she will come around and grow up a little. :-/
Thanks for listening.
I guess what bothered her was the pictures of me and my late wife together. I would assume that it wasn't the photos of her by herself. I guess she is just not able to relate being somewhat young and insecure. If she cared I would've thought maybe she would give me a picture of me and her to have up too. Well, me being the way I am, I gave her a pic of me and her and I put the pics of me and my wife away but and kept all my nick knacks up and her urn of course and her picture stays.
I was wondering how this would work. I am going to try to start dating again and this is one of those weird gray areas... I don't think anyone but a fellow widow/widower could understand. Divorce and break ups are so different. I think your girlfriend sounds a bit insecure and unfortunately, that puts you in a bad place.
Are there other mementos you could put out of your late wife that are not necessarily pictures that would make someone else feel insecure?
I have some art displayed that I bought with my late husband and items from our travels all over my house and they have a big emotional impact on me. I also framed a heart-shaped leaf that dropped randomly from a plant of mine that has diamond shaped leaves (it dropped on valentines day so I like to think was a sign from my late husband :) These are items that are precious to me because of the meaning behind them but not going to make someone else feel weird...
it is apples and rocks there.. you were not left on purpose.. life just played a cruel joke on us.. You will always love your wife and to compare you and your wife to her and her ex is a little insane... and you have every right to point that out..
On the other hand... a picture of your wife is normal, if you are ready to move past mourning, a shrine proly not a productive way to do that.. You have to decide what you have done. Especially if you have kids (you never said you did going to assume you don't but others might) you should have pictures of their mother with them somewhere..
I have to admit I knew i was really ready when the pictures of Luke came off the wall (it was easy i moved and just never put them back up) but each of my childrens room is covered in pictures of their father and will always be that way as long as they want it to be... I decided that the only way i was going to bring myself to move on was to remove constant reminders.. I still have my box of momentos and albums i can look through, but the wall reflects the new life.. albeit the one i never asked for...
I think this GF is acting like a child and not really going about it the right way.. Maybe what she meant was.. I feel like i'm being compared and I want to be center of attention... which kind of sound selfish but if you are really going to move and make her a part of your life... it has to be that way... Its not fair to them to take back seat.. Doesn't mean you love your LW any less. Or that you will ever forget about her.. or stop loving her.. It just means you have put her in a special box in your heart that is reserved just for her.. but it gives room to move on to chapter 2 of your life.. and if it includes this GF then so be it... but if it really bothers you that she feels threatened.. maybe this isn't a good match for either of you...
You need to find someone that accepts your chapter 1 life... but at the same time... you need to make room for chapter 2...... They are out there. I found one.. one that loves me and respects my past.. is not jealous or put out that i still have bad days and triggers but knows that I love him completely for who he is and he is not compared...
It is not fair to have a foot in both doors.. not to you or to any significant other that you bring into your life.. be prepared to love fully ad deeply again and respect others feelings.. maybe have a picture somewhere important to you but not forfront of the house...
Brian, didn't read all the replies yet, just going to give you my opinion in the matter. I can see both sides of this issue since my SIL married a widower quite along time ago and had issues like this (still does)
First, do you have children? It would be unfair for you to erase every memory of their Mother and a mature adult woman would understand this.
How long have you been dating this person? If the relationship is new, she should not expect you to just abandon your past life. These things take time and the man you are today is in big part because of your marriage, she may actually have a lot to thank your wife for! LOL
Her issue with her ex is a totally different thing, your wife is not available to you, her ex is. There is not a threat from your wife. It is normal for her to feel some jealousy, but she should be able to move past it.
We can always personal chat about it if you want.
There are lots of stories with my SIL, some she was right about, others she was WAY wrong!
Well, it has once again taken a turn here. The widow curse again...
My latest issue with this woman which I've obviously gotten too emotionally attached to to be dealing with this, came from facebook.
I had a lot of pictures of me and my wife on facebook. My girlfriend became my "friend" on facebook. I will first warn all, NEVER put a BF or GF on facebook, it is a relationship killer.
Well, I made sure none of those pictures were visible to anyone. Well, I didn't know that very old posts from a couple of friends were still on there, so my GF was able to see them. Well, her friends start analyzing me saying that my FB page is a shrine, and I am not letting go because there are all these pictures still up. Well, friggin facebook is confusing! I didn't know I had to delete every single post to my wall that contained a picture? Yeah all my albums weren't visible, but there is no way to delete individual posts to my wall.
So she un-friended me because it was too "hard" for her to see... So we are in this thing right now where she feels like she needs reassurance that I am not just settling for her because my biological clock is ticking, etc...
I am not here to bad mouth her, just vent my frustration. Once again, the widow gets the shaft. Because I don't actively go and delete all traces of my wife. Yeah I guess I would if it were an ex girlfirned. The thing is, I did make sure the pics were off, I just wasn't aware that friend posts show up like that.
So she's gotten it off her chest I guess, but really I am just really depressed right now. Thanks for listening.
:) we are always here to listen Brian.
I haven't jumped in on this discussion since I haven't dated since 1969 and figured I was too out of touch with things to have a valid response. However ... I now feel compelled to ask you to really think hard about what this relationship is bringing to YOU. You do not need to settle for someone who is not willing to consider your feelings.
I understand insecurities and I can understand how this could be difficult for her but so far I'm not seeing that she has done anything at all to show she is willing to work on this with you. You have had to make every concession. That does not bode well for a long relationship.
I was blessed with a 41 year marriage and I will tell you we each always put the other one first. I can't imagine a relationship lasting if one person always has to be the one to give in. You will eventually grow to resent that, to resent her.
So take this time while she's "punishing" you for having photos of your wife on your FB page and think about what this relationship is offering you. I think you deserve more.
I really have to agree whole heartedly with Dianne.
Absolutely spot-on advice. Yes, he's being punished. For loving his beautiful wife and for acknowledging her existence in his life. It's so cruel.
Brian, I feel for you. As widow/ers, we are looking for someone supportive and caring when we date. I think it takes a very emotionally balanced and mature character to be there the way that we need them to be, especially if we have children (did you ever say if you do? Didn't see it) It seems that you are the only one giving in this relationship, and in a very unhealthy way. If she can't be supportive now, will she be able to be later? What about other big issues? Does she care about how YOU feel about any of this?