Hi everyone. I lost my husband of 41 years to cancer in March 2022. I nursed him at home but I am plagued with guilt because I feel that I spent so much time seeing to his physical / medical needs that I did not spend enough quality time just sitting with him and reviving memories, or just letting him feel that I was there for him.
I also feel guilt about the fact that even though I was lying next to him when he passed I had fallen asleep and was not there for him when he took his last breath.
Does anyone have similar feelings ?
JimS-2 says
Posted on February 6, 2024 0
I lost my Maggie Dec. 23, 2023 with a sudden and brutal recurrence of a brain tumor. I cared for her at home until her passing, and also spent most of my time tending. Almost overnight the tumor took away her ability to talk, and I’m wracked with sorrow and regret not talking with her while we could have done so still. However, we’ve got to understand that we were doing the best we could under circumstances no one should ever have to deal with. I try not to think of the things I could have done different, because at no time was I ever thinking of anything but helping my wife. Retrospect doesn’t exist. We can’t change the past. Know that you went above and beyond taking care of him. I sat with Maggie until just after midnight, finally went upstairs to take a 4-hour nap. Came down at 4 AM and she was gone. I felt that regret as well, but, as my therapist said, there’s been people who just want for a bathroom break and came back to their someone being gone. Again, we toiled, we loved, we cared. I have a hard time following my own advise, but we need to give ourselves a break and care for ourselves now.
Gary says
Posted on February 4, 2024 0
All to familiar. I retired early to stay home and take care of my wife. I am glad I did because I got 12 years of special time with her, even though much of that was care-giving. After 39 years of marriage, she passed away in July of 2022. I was there with her, holding her hand watching the life slowly leave her. I did watch her take her last breath, and that is now a memory I can not un-see. I can’t tell you which is worse – watching her take her last breath or not. My only consolation is the fact that I was there with her.
JoeF says
Posted on February 2, 2024 0
Hi:
A little different, perhaps. My Sheri suffered a lot of physical problems and was having increasing difficulty getting around. I tried to help her as much as I could and even modified the house in places to make it easier for her to go from one room to another of get into or out of the house. She was getting very tired and frustrated and I was too seeing her go through so much.
As much as I was doing to try to make things easier for her, I forgot that she was a human and my wife. It was not just her body that was hurting, her mind was too. It would have taken no effort at all to sit next to her and hold her hand and lean in close to her and tell her that I loved her and that I would always be there for her. I thought busting my butt to do things for her was what I needed to do, but now I think that I was such a fool.
When she was lying in the ICU and not able to communicate, then all of a sudden I was holding her hand and telling her how much I loved her. To say that has been devastating to me is the understatement of all time.
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Joe