This is possibly going to be very scattered, so I apologize in advance. But it's also raw.
I know this is totally irrational, but I feel guilty about seeking therapy. The self-hater in me, maybe? I feel like I should hurt and I should suffer in order to truly grieve my Marcus. That if I'm not hurting, I'm getting "over" him?
I hadn't had these feelings before yesterday, but I absolutely canNOT shake them today. I have a friend a couple hours away who is a licensed therapist who helps me on some of the "lighter" things. She reached out to me yesterday, just to see how I've been doing, and I told her I was thinking about starting therapy, but I'm so hesitant to go. My girls have been seeing their therapists since March - the accident was in January - and I didn't think twice about putting them in.
So why am I okay with "punishing" myself by hurting? I think it's some twisted thought in my mind that since he's gone, hurting = love continuing. But I can love and not hurt, right? If I'm not hurting, am I still honoring him? Do I still love him as fiercely if it doesn't feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest?
My friend suggested I look into EMDR as opposed to talk therapy because it's been so good with trauma-related therapy needs. Does anyone have any experience with EMDR?
And PS: don't feel guilty!
I wrote about EMDR in your blog "Fury" ...
It processes trauma in relieving/eliminating its silent internal effects, however, it does not cure grief. We have a natural built in long acting grief processing system for that part which is highly beneficial when learning how to work w/it ...
All the best ...