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This will be the fourth christmas without my beloved husband. Thought I was dealing with it OK, been through it three times already  -- you know, trying to do "new" things, basically trying to ignore all the hype even though it's practically impossible, sent out some cards, a couple of gifts, and have an itty-bitty tree with some pine scented candles ---- but today I found myself grocery shopping and burst into tears in the Frozen food isle!  (Thank goodness I had my sunglasses on.)

I thought things would be "better" somehow by now....

Can anyone else relate?

Or am I just crazy?

I miss him so much, still after 4 years... 

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Hi - I am very very grateful for your post, because I feel the same way.

This is my 8th Christmas without Melinda - my son is engaged, daughter is here from school, but she's an utter basketcase and is super high strung (long story) - Christmas was always my favorite holiday - and I have been blessed most of my working life to be off between xmas and New Year, this year no different.  I always loved this time of year, and this year I'm just...breaking out in tears myself...the fact that money is super super super tight doesn't help of course.

Honestly, I can't ever see myself not putting up a late wife used to say ultimately Christmas is for kids...and maybe it is...

But...I don't know...I've rambled on long's...very hard this year....

I hope this week...I hope it goes well for you.  It's still Christmas....

Thanks Timelord, I am glad I'm not the only one.  Bless your heart. Hang in there.

Thank you!!!  And you as well!!!

I know exactly how you feel....I was in Walmart getting a few last minute items. I hadn't even thought about being affected by the Christmas music but the minute I heard Have Yourself A Very Merry Christmas I knew I had to hurry and get out of there. 

Fourth Christmas without Janet and angry. At who I don't know but just angry in general. Don't show it, sent the cards and carried on with the expected jovial Christmas spirit but this year the sadness turned into anger. Hopefully it will pass after the holidays because I don't like it and it's not me.

This is my first Christmas without my husband. I wrapped gifts yesterday and spent the entire day weeping, wailing, and screaming at him for leaving me. Time can't pass quickly enough.

Wow, just counted on my fingers and this will be my 7th Christmas without Ed. That seems incredible to me. It becomes more and more dreamlike that life I had. What keeps it alive is my family is still happy to talk about him. Particularly my sister who probably had the last conversation with him. She misses him too.

I know the first few Christmases were hard - I remember the tears in the bedroom.

Then a couple even keeled.

Then my mother died in 2017 and the last few have been hard once more.

I have to say I am looking forward to this Christmas and I think what is different is I took charge of it for myself: I decided where and who I would see. I will be with that same sister at her home. Not at my brother's house like last year where once more I fled to a bedroom for tears.

Christmas will never be the same again but I greet this one with a quiet gladness. I am not jumping up and down. I am just feeling that I am here to live.

Enough rambling.

I get what everyone is feeling and it is different for everyone and everyone feels what they feel. Hugs to all. May 2020 bring a different kind of inner peace for us as we move along this wretched path we did not want.

A few years ago I shared this Dean Koontz (of all people) quote on my Facebook page and it came up again today.  I think it's worth sharing for those having difficulty this holiday season:

"Grief can destroy you --or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see that it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.”

Thanks Berger...for us who trying to find answers your sentence is what we need..have a good Christmas all of you that are alone in pain..awareness of what we had  bring you some comfort in this days so hard to live take care of yourself hugs Roxi

that is beautiful. thanks

This is the first Christmas without Lisa, it is also 11 months on Christmas Eve, This year it will just be me and my two boys (aged 18 & 12) as my daughter (17) is in Sydney with her boyfriend and his family. This will be the first time in four Christmas that I will not be making trips to the Hospital or calling an ambulance.

2016: (Lisa was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in September) Lisa had a 39+oC temp two weeks before Christmas, we were unsure if she would be home, two days before Christmas she was home after they broke her fever.

2017: (Lisa was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer and Metatastic Brain Tumour in April) Lisa was diagnosed with 2 more smaller Brain Tumours Just before Christmas, and had to under go Full Brain Radiotherapy over Christmas I was driving up to two hours a day except for Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Years Day etc. Lisa already had Cyberknife and Brain Surgery plus Chemo.

2018: Lisa came back from her last cruise with the Kids early December, she got a flu from my oldest son and me, but she had it for over 2 weeks not eating or drinking, two Ambulances call a week apart, while she was at the Hospital on the second visit, I had the Palliative Doctor and Nurse visit me, it was time to start to think about the end, my oldest was turning 18 at the end of February and I was told Lisa wouldn't be here for it. We had also found out Lisa had 3x dots on her Frontal Lobe they hadn't called it Cancer at that stage. She was home for Christmas but was in Hospital for New Years eve and New Years Day. She came home with me a few days later, and I was her Nurse until mid Jan then I had to make the call for her to go to Palliative care (was so hard, but so right), she then a very bad fall getting out of bed by herself on the 19th Jan, she was sedated fully by Tuesday Morning (we had all said good by on the Sunday) as the pain was so intense she was on two pumps and three - four meds. She passed on the Thursday night at 7:20pm with me and my kids around her and her parents and her uncle. The one thing that shocked me was the call from the Police two hours after she passed and as we were leaving the Hospital, they needed to confirm with me that Lisa passed due to her Cancer and not the fall on the 19th, and did I believe that she had succumbed faster due to the fall and that did it in my view contribute to her passing? it would have been passed to the Coroner to investigate holding up her Cremation and etc. She had let go after I told her we were ready for her to go, and not to hold on any more and for her to be at peace. I advised the Police no she went due to her Cancer.

Merry Christmas All and I hope 2020 brings you Peace, Security and Love so that you can "Walk through your Bad Days, and Embrace your Good Days" 

This will be my second Christmas without my husband Doug.  He passed away from stage 4 brain cancer on 12/6 2018.  This year is harder than my first year. I'm not numb anymore and very well aware of what is missing from my life.

I commend anyone who was able to put up a tree and ornaments.  I haven't had the courage to do that.  Too heartbreaking for me. Christmas was Doug's favorite time of the year.  He loved our decorated tree so much.

I never in my wildest nightmares thought I would be a widow at age 56. I am constantly crying and can't wait for the holiday to be over.

Blessings to all on these boards


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