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At 4 years, I am in the deepest depression and can't find my way out.  I was better in the first years than I am now.  I am on an antidepressant and seeing a therapist, but I've lost all hope.  I was exercising but all my energy is gone. I make myself get out, but am anxious to get back home.  Has anyone else gotten worse as time goes by?  I am hesitant to post this, I don't want to scare those who are earlier in their grief, but I have nowhere else to turn. There are no widows groups close to me. I can't believe this has happened to me.  I was always a strong person.  

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Yes, I am too.  Three years for me in May.  You sound just like me, I was exercising and joining lunch groups, etc.  Three years later I am in the same place. ALONE!

Days are empty, wake up in the morning in the same place I was the night before.  My health is failing and I don't have anyone to count on to be there for me.

I am in the same boat as you!  Will be thinking of you as days go by and know your feeling the exact same as me.  I wish I could give advise, but if I could I would do it for myself.  I have done everything I know.  Just lost without my other half.

Same here. 3 years and 4 months out for me.

I have a toddler son and he keeps me occupied but I am by no means happy about my life. Not only I lost my best friend, my true love, I have to give up my career because I have no family or friends in town to care for him if I go back to work full time. First time in my life I have no social life, I am stuck at home all day. No one to talk to, and no one to discuss issues. Alone. And it hurts me while my friends at my age are having the best time of their lives raising happy young families, taking lavish vacation, I am stuck in my current dire loneliness. And seriously, my friends are all busy with their career and young kids, after 6 months, I call myself lucky if I get text messages from one of them once a year. Not during holidays, not on my birthday, just random days I pop into their heads. I don't blame them as they are all young and living their full lives. I could be just like them if situation reciprocated. 

True, I do cry less but my silent anger lingers. Not sure if I prefer to cry more rather than feeling angry ... I only miss the happy days I once had.

And as time goes by, my anxiety increases. I am so afraid to get sick, or even getting into whatever accident. Who will care for my toddler if anything happens? And as my house is getting older, I have been calling repairing men to come to fix things here and there more often. Husband used to deal with contractors because he was so protective of me. I am so afraid, now, somehow these repairing guys notice no traces of man in my house. I have tried so hard to keep things as if husband were still here. His mug still on the counter, his toothbrush, towels, razor still on his side in our bathroom. I have to make sure his slippers casually placed in the mud room and etc. I look young, and with a young child, my worries about intruders bother me. The first two years after my husband died, I dared not to sleep until almost 4 or 5 just in case someone might break in. This life is getting a little too much for me to handle alone. I could deal with it if I weren't a mom but I have a little one I need to think of. A person who once embraced life I I have succumbed to feeling despair and hopeless. 

Sorry that we all are here under such depressing situation. Thinking of you.

I'm having more trouble now 14 months out. I have gone back to counseling. I have always been strong , so I'm trying to find that, and some level of happiness. Its easier for me to take direction from someone else than from myself. I'm great at giving out sound advice but I sure don't listen to any of it.

You aren't alone, 5 years for me. Not sure why this happens but it makes you feel like something is wrong with you because we think as time goes by that it is supposed to get less painful. I do feel depressed, am on antidepressants and do see a counselor. Have been ever since he passed away. I don't believe it happens to everyone this way however there are some. 

I know it's feeling alone, feeling frustrated because I can't take care of the home alone due to it being way too much and not being strong enough to do the heavy and mechanical things that he used to do. It's so many little things all put together. So when I can't do those things it just reminds me of him not being there. 

I will admit, it is actually helpful to see there are others feeling the same.

It has only been 5 months since my husband passed away. We knew he was terminal and all that. At first I was busy with so many things to attend to with finances and company and all that. Have been dreading the summer. You know I got through the holidays okay as I had company but now I think of how my husband loved to sit on the porch and enjoy the afternoon and how he liked the yard care. Yard care!  I just overpaid someone for a spring clean up. We have a large yard and the faucets and old sprinkler system have leaks and I must find and pay someone to help with that now. Dan could fix almost anything and the garage is full of his fix-it items.. Well, less full now as I have started to clean out things I know I can never use. My one son is totally wrapped up in his fiancée and does not make time for his widowed mom and the other is super busy with work.

People used to tell me how independent I was. But perhaps not really. Yes, I could drive across country or take solo trips but I had Dan in my life since I was 20 years old and he was 'the wind beneath my wings' so to speak.  I will see how the summer will go but if it proves to be the burden I think it will be to keep up the house and yard, I will have to look at downsizing and moving. It is so frustrating!  I am lonely too.  I have one couple that has been so kind and invites me to tag along sometimes and I have invited some acquaintances to lunch but mostly I am alone trying to find things to busy myself with.  I do have volunteer work and exercise classes but these long evenings....I don't even want the longer light days and the heat to come.

At least those here  understand.  I do not want to complain and burden others but tears are running down my face as I write.  How do you get used to having your 'other half' gone?  Or living alone when you never have and are no longer young? Sure am not a merry widow!

Linda,

I feel exactly like you. I could relate to every single sentence in your above note. I am 56 years old. Lost Mike at 51. He was 50. Fought kidney cancer for 18 months and he did it so bravely!!  

The loneliness is the most challenging part that I go through. I do volunteer, I do meet with friends from time to time however it isn't the same feeling when I do meet up with them. I even got a puppy in September.  Have to say, the pup has helped a little. Everyone has gone on with their own lives which they should. That is why being a widow is so lonely. 

I was a very stubborn, strong willed woman when he was alive. I don't recognize the person that stands in front of the mirror today. So much to miss.

 

 

I wouldn't say "worse", but I have had my "ebbs-and-flows" since July 2011. Some days are gold; others lead. Some days I just don't think about things.

I would say that you are still a strong person--and one smart enough to raise a question I haven't seen here before. Hugs.

It’s been a while longer for me but I remember my fourth year pretty vividly. I thought by that time the worst of the pain and sadness would have left me. I’d be “up” for longer periods of time but once I dipped back into the sorrow, I’d feel more disappointed and depressed. I was sick and tired of feeling like that and even more sick of my inability to have any control over the situation.  It is a true test of our patience and it can be very frustrating. I always remember that saying, “It’s always darkest before the dawn” and if you can apply that to what you’re feeling, you’ll begin to visualize that crack of light when you will step out of the darkness. We can achieve peace and regain some control again. 

Not saying the sadness disappears completely but we can heal to a degree and have some hope for our future. It’s not easy but I believe there will come a time when this will happen for you, exiting that roller coaster ride!  Life can become good again. It’s not what any of us expected it to be but it is the hand we’ve been dealt so we need to try to adjust to it. It’s a gradual process to be sure and I can tell you for me, it is accepting that things will no longer be perfect or the same as they were. How could they be? I am only one person.

Don’t doubt your strength. You will get there. Grief is not linear, there are many peaks and valleys. Be patient will yourself, we all heal at a different speed. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else and allow yourself to continue to grieve if that’s what you’re feeling. I remember a huge difference between year 4and 5. What you’re experiencing does not seem unusual to me. Grief takes as long as it does. Hang on to hope!

Linda,

My four year death anniversary is coming up May 28th -- seems like yesterday, seems like a hundred years ago --  does that make sense?

Still miss him every day -- think of him every day, up and down days, some days feel "cursed" that he died, other days feel "blessed" to have known/loved him and had him in my life for 21 years  

Still deal with anxiety, stress, depression -- some days better than others.. some days just want to stay in bed (but the dog & cat won't let me, got to get up and take care of my critters.)

 A lot of my widow friends have moved on, gotten boyfriends, involved in community groups, etc. -- I feel so alone  -- every one deals with it differently, please know you are not alone.

And you know you can always contact me.

D.

Three years out the extreme intensity of the loss has diminished but the pain of losing Janet remains the same the same. But it's a small price to pay for knowing how important she was and still is to me.

Been a year for me. It's gotten different, but I can't say it's gotten better. In one night my whole world got flip-turned outside down. Didn't sign up for it, didn't ask for it, there was nothing I could have done to stop it, and ain't a gosh darn thing I can do to fix it. While I accept that it wasn't my fault--anybody else feel survivor's guilt--it's still tough. I passed on a Keys family trip this weekend because the point of the trip is to spread my sister-in-law's brother's ashes into the ocean as he requested. Last year when I went with them, we all went on a self-directed walking tour and we ended up at the Key West city cemetery where my S-I-L's parents were buried. It was just two months after SJ died suddenly, and while walking through the cemetery to find the grave sites, I got the mother of all panic attacks and passed out. I woke up in the Key West hospital. That cannot happen again.

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses.  I want so much to move forward.  I know I'll never know the same happiness or joy that came so naturally in my old life.  I would just like to find some peace and contentment.  By the way, my real name is Linda.

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