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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

In the early stages of my grief, I was wandering around in a trance-like fog simply feeling lost and pretty destroyed as a result of losing my husband.  It was as if I died with him but I was left behind.

During this time, I was scouting the bargain racks at a neighborhood Barnes and Noble and saw a book called, When God Winks at You:  How The Power of Coincidence Guides Your Life.  I read the first story and it peaked my curiosity, so I bought it (see below).  Soon thereafter, I started to experience what I felt were potentially messages from my husband. 

For example, I was walking back home from the market one day, I came across an advertisement for a TV program called, "Did I really die?"  When I saw it, I whispered under my breath, "Yeah sweetie, you really did."  Another time, I was walking home from a Home Depot, and saw two large smiley type faces drawn in chalk on a wall.  One read, "Hello Grumpy" and the other read, "Be Happy."  There was a time when my husband did something that annoyed me and he walked over and  said the words, "Hello Grumpy" to me to make me smile.  Coincidences, perhaps, and some were less subtle than others but those "coincidences" meant something to me specifically.

So, I'm curious, have you experienced any Winks? 

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Hi Janet, thank you. This was years ago, ive been back on chatting since then with you and lots of others. Something i didnt mention in my last post here, is, 98% of the replies i get are wonderful and totally relatable. Even if someone disagrees with me.
Also, i think that sometimes when a reply might be interpreted as bitter, or negative, i think that they are in a bunch of pain and cant help it right now. Ive been there myself, at times, super angry at life, or Mike, and was not in the most great frame of mind. But i avoid widowed Village then, or i just post im really angry that day!

Hi Steve,

Good to read your posts again and, thank you for the reminder.  I learn lessons every day but we all need reminders once in a while.

I hope today is one of the better days for you and that more better days are grouping and following.

Wishing you and everyone a beautiful day with more of the positive memories and experiences.

Thanks Nieta, wonderful wishes, and i hope the same for you. (((Hugs))))

Steve, I'm sorry for your loss and you past experience on this website. Thank you for sharing how you've learned to handle the variety of posts you've received!

You are so welcome, and im so sorry too, for your loss. (((Hugs)))). But this website has been my light so much in my process, im so grateful for WV and all the people here. I have met so many wonderful people here, and keep in touch with many. one of the toughest parts of my earlier journey, was the nights. Yes it was tough 24 hrs per day, but the nights were way worse to me. Waking up in the night and not having Mike next to me, was just so brutal. I was sure the horror would end me. I could count on two hands, the amount of nights we didnt sleep together in our long relationship, and after i found WV as soon as i woke, felt that horrible lonliness and terror, i would get up, go online and there was usually someone online to chat with, or if not, i would read the posts, and always find someone else going through same thing, and sharing how they got thru it. It gave me strength, a feeling of less lonely, that hopefully i could get through it too. Take care,

Am so glad you didn't give up on the site, Steve. This was an amazing, generous, thoughtful post. 


Thanks so much, Danielle, (((hugs)))) Steve

Has anyone in here gone through what I call survivors guilt? I think I'm experiencing it.
I should have been the one to die, not my sweet wife.

Hi DaninKansasCity,

I actually did experience this.  The week before my husband died, I came home from work and he'd drawn a warm bubble bath for me and lit fragranced candles in the bathroom.  He also poured me a glass of champagne and told me to relax for the night.  As I emerged from the bath, the combination of the hot water, the alcohol and the candles made me feel dizzy and I stopped my fall by putting my hand on the back of the bathroom door.  I felt as if I was having a small heart attack and my husband immediately came to the bathroom to ask if I was alright.  I told him I was fine and asked that he just give me a few minutes as I lumbered over to the bed and lay down.  He then jokingly said, "So how'd you kill your wife Mr. X?"  and he'd reply, "I was nice!"  We laughed about that and in a few minutes I was just fine. 

We had plans for Valentine's Day weekend the following week and were even planning an Easter getaway to The Finger Lakes.  And then, without warning my husband died at work just two days before Valentine's Day.  He suffered a massive and fatal heart attack and was gone minutes before I was able to get to the hospital.  You can imagine my shock and incredulity. 

For a long while, I felt as if my husband took my place and that I was the one that was supposed to die.  I have a heart murmur, which my doctor told me to keep an eye on and I'd had a couple of incidents with chest pains and shortness of breath.  And yet, I'm fine now and he's gone.  There's no way I will ever know for sure until perhaps the day when my own turn comes to cross over. 

A friend of ours lost his firstborn son at the tender age of 3.  He simply went to sleep and never woke up.  That friend shared something a priest said to him when he was in the early stages of grieving and that is, "There is no way out, only a way through."  Things don't always make sense to us and perhaps we are not yet meant to see the big picture.  We must simply go forward on our journey as best we can and learn along the way.  Make no mistake and it's not an easy path.  This journey is filled with many twists, turns and there is no map.

The best advice I can offer you is to take one moment at a time and to live the life that your sweet wife would wish for you.  The love we have for our spouses, thankfully, never dies despite their physical demise.

Hi Nieta and everyone. I love that! About no way out, only a way through. That is so wonderful a way to describe this journey.
Thank you for sharing that.
Dan, i loved your story about New Orleans. Mike and i actually planned 3 trips to New Orleans, we really wanted to go there, and all three trips were cancelled within 24-48 hrs prior to us leaving. Im sorry we never had chance to go together, but i look forward to going there in future.

Hi Steve,

We gather bits of wisdom along the way and sharing that helps us each get further along.   I'm glad you found it helpful.

New Orleans is a fun and wonderful place and you should definitely make it a point to visit.  One of the many things Patrick and I did while there was take an airboat ride at sunset.  Yes the waters are indeed riddled with gators and at sunset, you can see their eyes glowing red in the water.  The guides provide goggles to avoid any bug splats as the airboat can glide over the swampy water rather quickly.  It may sound funny and a little off-putting to some, but we had the greatest time!  And, watching the sunset through the swamp trees is a beautiful sight to behold!

BTW, if you have a sweet tooth, order the bread pudding soufflé with whiskey sauce at Commander's Palace.  Sooooo good!!!

Wishing everyone peace, strength and a truly beautiful day!


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