Have you lost stepchildren when the natural parent has died?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Alive & Mortal on February 7, 2011 at 12:24pm

Thank you for your kind comments. I appreciate reading your story, too, it gives clarity to how our relationships become so important and how we forget that.

 

I recall reading early on that the step-parent role is all about sacrifice without much reward. I was ready to make these sacrifices, I was not ready to lose those three kids after 10+ years.

• ▶ Reply

VOLUNTEERPermalink Reply by Supa Dupa Fresh on February 7, 2011 at 9:28pm

My heart goes out to you, Kim. This is the cruelest thing, I have heard a few times of these kinds of losses -- I'm sure just the tip of the iceberg.

It really makes you wonder how much anyone cares for the kids' feelings and how poorly folks understand the importance of stability -- in the few things that we can control -- in kids' lives.

 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Alive & Mortal on March 3, 2011 at 7:26pm

I just sent the three children Valentines Day gifts and only heard back from one - a simple post on my Facebook wall, which I am grateful for.

 

The youngest child's birthday is March 31 and I sent his gift. It is something special.

 

My heart aches all the time over this loss. It is a constant thorn in my side.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by kismet on March 8, 2011 at 2:10pm

Hi A & M,

 

Losing my little stepson who called me mommy was the hardest part of this whole thing. It took so much longer to heal from. I had so much worry for him, as any mother would. He needed his dad and to know how special his father was and how much his dad loved him. 

 

I've saved things to give to my stepson. 

 

It still hurts after many years.

 

I'm really glad that you have even a tiny bit of Facebook contact. I imagine it puts to rest a tiny edge of the worry I'd feel in your shoes. 

 

XO

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Alive & Mortal on March 8, 2011 at 3:13pm

Thank you, Kismet. I am sorry that this has been your experience too. I think it is such a place of unresolved grief in me. If I had unlimited wealth I would not fight her legally, but I would flutter around the exterior a lot, I would buy them cell phones (that they would break, no doubt) and I would throw money the problem. I have thrown my limited funds at the problem and it has little effect.

 

My only thing that I did that seemed to help me - that first year I sent them a postcard every day. I did not have much to say, so I would put stickers and quotes on unusual postcards. The middle child decorated her walls with them and one day her mother went in and tore them all down. But it still remains a fixed point, I hope, in her heart...

 

Since then things are increasingly difficult to figure out. They are in that developmental phase of differentiation. Separating from parents and bonding with peers. It makes it hard to know how to relate.

 

My only idea now is to build an interesting enough life that they are drawn to me, voluntarily.

 

I appreciate the company in this. Blessings in your hurting places.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by kismet on March 8, 2011 at 7:45pm

Your idea makes sense. Be the kind of person that represents a positive force in their life. Children care so much about parental figures. They spend years trying not to show it. 

 

I'm so glad you have communication at any level. 

 

Thank you for your blessings. 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by SoSadinMichigan on October 26, 2012 at 11:35pm

I did.

• ▶ Reply