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Have you made any positive discoveries about your life since being widowed?
Call me irrepressibly optimistic or call me nuts, but if I'm going to have to be widowed, I might as well try to make the best of it. I know that many of you on the site are very recently widowed, in a place where hurt predominates. I was there too for a long, long time. But I hope that for you, as it FINALLY is for me (5 years since being widowed), there will come a time when you can find and make good in the new life you have been forced to create. I had a very happy marriage and I used to feel guilty even acknowledging that I could be happy without my husband, but the guilt is gone now and I can just be happy. It feels wonderful.
Here are some good new things in my life that wouldn't be here if I hadn't been widowed:
I really and fully appreciate being healthy and I no longer consider it to be self-indulgent to exercise, go to yoga, meditate, eat good food, or get a massage. After seeing my once healthy husband suffer from cancer and cancer treatment, I completely understand that having a healthy strong body is an amazing gift and something to cherish.
I love making decisions and acting on them without having to always consult someone else. I feel more capable and powerful than I've ever felt in my life before because I have no choice but to make major and minor decisions for myself and my children all the time. It has been quite empowering for me.
I enjoy having a new man in my life who is not a husband. He has his own household and I have my own household and when we are together our time is not generally spent on domestic activities or chores. There is time for simply connecting and enjoying one another that isn't complicated by household tasks or shared responsibilities. Yes, we love helping one another out, but there is something to be said for time apart as well as time together, and even for time just appreciating what we are creating without necessarily knowing how it will all turn out.
I feel less fear in general. Now that I have survived one of the worst events that can happen to a person, smaller obstacles don't even register as difficult anymore. This makes life so much more enjoyable and a lot less stressful.
I have more to give to others in wisdom, time and energy than ever before. Nothing matters more to me than my connections with others. I feel a greater desire to share what I know and to give what I can.
On the other hand, I am more comfortable being alone. I understand that loss prevails in the end, and I am learning to accept change and loss with more grace.
I would love to hear how others have experienced good through their very significant pain and loss.
Views: 28
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Laker on -
Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience, Jill. At about 6 months out, I have found that I have more strength than I realized and more supports in my life than I acknowledged. I too have felt profoundly appreciative of my relatively good health and am recommitting myself to maintaining it. On a few occasions, even in the midst of sadness, I have felt some sense of relief at being able to do what I want within my own time frames. I worry less about small things. Although generally I still have this vague fear about the future and feeling that there is nothing much to look forward to in my life, at times I do wonder whether life might hold some possibilities .
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Permalink Reply by Jeanne on
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Being a few days over 5 months out, I've found that I speak my mind more (many times very bluntly haha).
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Permalink Reply by Jill on -
Kudos to you for being able to see some light in the darkness. I like to believe it's a good sign for the future. I'll bet you're right: your life holds possibilities not yet seen.
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Permalink Reply by shadowandcloud on -
Thank you Jill for bringing this up. It has been almost 6 months now and I am finding that the pain waves are not as harsh, but still knock me to my knees. Most days though are better than at first. I do find that I am less patient with some people now and that I have developed a darn good BS meter. Now I no longer tolerate many of the things I have put up with for years.
Medication and one on one counselling are helping to sort out some of the lingering issues from well before Keith's death. The future is still a mystery and I am having some trouble coming to terms with looking after just me after 25 years of caregiving, but it is sorting it's self out over time. There are times though that being able to do things to my own timetable is wonderful and such a relief. No more rushing back "just in case."
I also wonder what life will hold in the future, but am willing to wait until that future arrives.
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Permalink Reply by Supa Dupa Fresh on -
I would not have discovered some of the negative things about my marriage -- and about my married self -- if he were still alive. These are turning out to be BIG lessons in my life and I'm grateful to have found them.
I am SURE I would not have experienced any of this change if he'd lived. Plus, we might have split up.... which would have brought some other lessons, which I THINK I'm happy to have avoided. :-)
(Don't get me wrong... I loved him, and he loved me... we were happy. But I was young when we hooked up. I did learn a lot from him... but I compromised a lot too. Good for the marriage... not so good for me.)
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Permalink Reply by NMWidower on -
Way to go bryswife! That is awesome for you! You should be proud! Making decisions on your own is a tough one and learning not to sweat the small stuff is priceless. I think I'm still learning that one but have definitely grown there. Its not wierd to be proud of yourself. You have grown and that is something to be proud of! Its a great positive sign that healing is occurring in your heart and in your life.
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Permalink Reply by fctyler on
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My kids and I put an entire trampoline together without any help! I never would have attempted something like that if my husband were alive. I would have just let him do the main part and I would have "helped out." Now I was forced to read all the directions and figure it out myself. The kids and I were so excited when the trampoline was completed!
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Permalink Reply by shadowandcloud on
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Well done. Trampoline Merit Badge for you and your kids. :)
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Permalink Reply by Eileen on -
I think that after surviving a loss such as this, we cannot help but be changed, and in some ways better. I am stronger, more mature than I ever cared to be. I am starting (almost 5 years) to be more confident in my decision-making abilities. My writing and art have developed more out of the pain and that has been good for me.
There are gifts from the grief, like them or not. I will use them as best I can. I go on to honor my LH, as he would have wanted with all his heart.
Peace.
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