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I am feeling overwhelmed just thinking of tomorrow.  I need to call the garage and get my car towed, and have a few other issues that I need to resolve.  I am a independent person, but the thought of doing all of this on my own is giving me a headache.  Has anyone else experienced this???  Why does everything seem like it's such a big deal.  I know I can handle it but I feel so vulnerable right now. 

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I feel the same - I used to feel so independent, the mover and shaker of the family.   Now, just doing a load of laundry is like gearing up for a major life event.  I keep thinking it will get better, but it hasn't.  I have the same difficulty with normal, everyday things I used to breeze through - like paying bills, cleaning  house, getting the dog groomed.  Life is too different since my husband passed and I miss him so much.  Who knew that even when we were both silent within our home together, going about our daily was support??  Stopping every so often for a little kiss and hug and then going about the day.  I had no idea what an integral part of functioning this silence was until he passed away - it is so difficult - it is a daily struggle for me. 

I got through the day although it was very trying.  My car was towed to the garage and they found out the problem was due to recall, so I had to have the car towed to the dealers.  I used AAA, so I had to get a ride to the garage to show them my card so they would tow it to the dealers.  My car is the first in line tomorrow to be fixed.  Yeah!!  Spent time with my Grandson this afternoon which lifted my spirits. 

lizbeth4 ~

I am happy that things worked out well for you with your car, what a relief!  Very nice to spend time with Grandchildren....  they do tend to lift one up :o)

I felt the same when I switched the hotplates on tonight.  One went ** snap**  and didn't light up.  Yet another thing to do.  I only just replaced the refrigerator.  It seems as if everything around me is breaking down. Before I felt as if everything was at least a joint decision.  Now it is just me to take the blame if I get it wrong. I understand you missing your man and that feeling of doing it all on your own. We are all vulnerable and unsure.

I had three of my grandkids for two nights, lovely during the day but when the little ones get tired it is tough getting them into bed.

only1sue ~

After posting this - I saw how very long it was - please forgive!  This is the first place I have dared to share and it is kind of scary.  I am going to let it go though and just post it - maybe it will help me have a better day today.  Thank you for reading it if you do, if you do...if you don't, that is okay...  I am being daring today for me and I guess that is a hoped for wish for let go a little bit...and not erase this and go into hiding again.  

I am sorry you go through these things, too - they are so disconcerting!  In that "joint decision" process, the burdens of choices, etc., weighed half as much as they do now - as you mentioned.   Two varied perspectives in order to come to a wise conclusion - what a beautiful gift of marriage that process was!!  During marriage, I felt I was very aware of all the things my Husband provided and contributed, that I appreciated so much.  I had no idea how many aspects the presence of his life provided me - so many silent, invisible "things" that allowed me to feel "safe" in the world.  I know now how much protection my husband provided me in life and miss that so much.

I so often feel like I am missing my feet, like they can't find the ground so I can walk steadily - additionally, I can't find the path to put them on as well - the old path has come up missing and I can't find another one to walk on.  I never expected these feelings of being "scared" managing the things that break and have to be fixed - who to go to for service - who can be trusted, that sort of thing...I wonder how many other widows feel this way.  

I had asked my best friend to share with me the plumber she and her husband used when I found myself in need of one.  It was the oddest thing I ever experienced - I thought I knew my best friend so well - her response, or better stated, 'lack of response' was like I was talking to a stranger.  She gave me a vague response, and it seemed she didn't want to share that information with me....huh?  Over many years we shared the goings on of our homes and I knew she had a regular plumber they trusted.  Her reluctance to share was so odd to me.  My husband had made these repairs in our home so I didn't have a company I knew I could trust - I so much do not like calling repair men!  About a year ago, she told me "this friendship has ended"...  I never ever ever thought that could happen.

Vulnerable - yes, I feel that acutely!  Sometimes, I think others can sense it as well.  I took the dog for a walk one day, left the back door open as always, and found a man walking down from the second floor of our home - "I thought I heard the TV on upstairs so I went to find you", he said - are you kidding?  I was so scared!  I was stunned!  How do I handle this?  The lawn mower didn't get fixed and now I use a weed-wacker to mow the lawn.  

I feel like I am constantly adjusting to adjusting - in too many ways, widowhood is living a broken life - at least it is for me.  

I am happy for women who have the blessing of spending time with grandchildren - I miss mine.  Because my husband and I were unable to have children of our own - I parented his 2 children, 30 years of memories and traditions, the grandchildren coming along and such a joy.  Now, this little family I loved so much won't return my phone calls - my inlaws saying too many unkind things of me, blaming me for so many things - choosing not to resolve conflicts - blood is thicker than a step-mother's love - what is so very sad is I know my step-kids are suffering inside.  My granddaughter who used to be so snuggly and warm with me and loved spending time here, now she won't return my phone calls - maybe someday she will find her own voice and we will have a relationship.  My in-laws are not bad people, they have no tools to resolve conflict with so it is easier to cut me out of their lives emotionally.  I have found this dynamic within my biological family as well.  It is sad to watch the generations coming up silently learning this is how life is to be lived.  

Sorry to go on - I am thinking if maybe I leave these feelings here, perhaps I can relieve myself of them in my mind and heart and find some peace in my day.  

I sure do not like being a widow - it is like living on Mars and not speaking the language.

Wishing you all peace in your day, and good luck with the obstacles that come up as you go along!

Widowette, that is so hard.  My uncle was married for 24 years and helped raise his wife's children.  When she died he was suddenly just "Mum's third husband", no longer Dad or Grandpa.  I really do not understand that kind of attitude.  A relationship is suddenly over, just like that? Sorry it is hurting you.

Thank you for being empathetic and sharing your Uncle's story with me.  I am sad for him that he also has gone through this - a heart does not stop loving those we love - and this is the time when they are needed most - to comfort and be comforted - the "familiar" becomes absent.  The thing is, it is usually adults who perform this and little ones follow along that example - and learn to live life in that way.  It is very sad.  It is enough to loose your spouse - yes?  I never expected not to be supported and certainly didn't know I would find myself grieving the loss of loved ones from a 30 year period of my life.  Our family is so large we have to rent a "hall" for holidays.  

Peripheral losses in addition to loss of spouse are unanticipated - that adds to the grief, of course.

I have learned that families are little societies - some function well and have the ability to resolve issues in a mature and respectful way.  For other families, the anxiety of approaching a family member directly to discuss a misunderstanding is so overwhelming - their only recourse is to share that problem with others who can do nothing about it - and then that one tells another and so on... a form of gossip, but really the only way some families have learned to communicate - or not communicate.  Unfortunately, the one who seems to be the perpetrator of the discourse (me) is usually emotionally cut-off from that family and finds their character has been compromised by the "do you know what she did" type of talk presented to people who have no need to know any personal information.

I have never had a disagreement with my inlaws and had no idea this was how they processed disagreements/misunderstandings with others.  I don't tend towards gossiping, I feel it is unfair to the one being spoken of and usually change the subject.  

What is most troubling is drama/chaos becomes the focus rather than the sacredness of a loved ones life now passed.  

I thank you for acknowledging my struggle with my family ~ 

My lawn mower broke the weekend after my husband died and I don't even know what to do!  Today, as I was weed eating the back yard my dryer broke!  My husband, too, did everything around the house.  None of these broken things would have been an issue very long and I'm just lost.  I'm glad you did comment, because I was feeling like such a dork for weed eating my lawn. 

Great news, my car is covered under a recall, so a new engine will be installed, free.  My Husband is truly looking down on me.  I am only tackling and doing what I can handle in a day.  If I start feeling overwhelmed, I stop and try to regroup and I can finish it tomorrow.  I think I am finding more peace everyday and that is making me stronger.  I will also miss my Husband forever, but I have to deal and go on. 

Deal and go on is right.  Sounds good - harder to put into practice.  I'm glad it could be fixed under warranty, one less expense.

Yes, difficult to put into practice....  good luck to us all!

Very happy for you!  Congratulations!  I am happy you are finding more peace...  our circumstances vary so much, one widow from another, I hope your attitude will help me look forward and start finding that road to peace, too.  Thank you for sharing ~


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