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Hi,

My husband (Ed) passed away 5 months ago. I think it has taken me a good while to

process everything and accept that he is truly gone. He was in and out of the hospital a good deal. So at first it was like he was just away at the hospital. After about 10 weeks, I think that initial numbness wore off. 

 

I have done a pretty good job of "staying in the moment" and not getting ahead of myself with my thoughts or the finality of this all. (That i will never do "this or that" with Ed again)

Can you offer any further tips that have helped you not get ahead of yourself? I know if i think of my life too far out and a life without Ed, i will feel incredibly/overwhelmingly sad.

 

How do you keep yourself from going there? (am i making sense?) I am trying to pace myself through this and maintain some sort of balance. I want to remember our life with the joy that we had together.

 

thank you so much,

julie

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Julie,

I am now nineteen months out. I still feel like I am married to Jud. I think for some of us that is always a reality. Who knows how I will feel a year from now (though I am guessing I will still feel married). I found that time has been the greatest healer. I know that is easy to say. This loss is still so recent for you (people still say that to me!). I set a couple of "rules" for myself: I tried to get out of the house each day and I made sure I spent some time with at least one other person each day...for a real talk, not just a quick hello. It helped. If I wasn't feeling good (I have a chronic pain disorder) I asked someone over for coffee. I have always been a reader but I wasn't able to concentrate enough to read. I also enjoy making things and I tried to spend time beading or doing paper arts. That being said, it is just plain hard, and probably the hardest thing we will go through in our lives. I am a dog lady and my two little white "fuzzybutts" helped a lot. Hope your kitties do the same!!!

Hugs,

Suz

Anyone else becoming an alcoholic?? God, I am depressed. I am afraid of the future. Gotta get a grip....

I too am a planner so I'm always looking ahead. I had our whole lives planned out when I met my husband when I was only 17. This has shattered my life and our plans and I feel so lost. I know I need to stay positive and hopeful for our teenage daughters

I found a good book called the power of now. Author Eckart Tolle. Audiobook as well from amazon,audiobooks

I also try to get out everyday.  I belong to at least five centers. There are days though when I just don't feel like socializing.  I am reading two books, Reflections of a Grieving Spouse and How to go on living when someone you love dies.  I belong to a grief support group that I love and started mailing encouraging quotes to each member two weeks after we meet.  I love to encourage and it also helps me to heal. I still go there sometimes, but not as much as I did. He passed away nine months ago. Praying for all of us.

Thank you for the post, so timely for me. I have no tips! I am almost 5 months out and hitting the wall a bit. I know everyone's stages are different. At first I was numb, then adrenaline to get me through the memorial and all the conversations, then a period of making small changes and doing things on my own and feeling sad, proud and capable all at once. Now I think it is just sinking in that this is really permanent. I realized I'm dragging my feet on a couple of paperwork items relating to my husband's death, doesn't make any sense (one is to get long term care insurance money!), other than it just emphasizes how final it is that he is really gone. Spent the last couple days at work mostly staring at the wall, doing a few mindless tasks so they don't catch on that I'm about as productive as the plant in my office right now. I just have this feeling that "now comes a long hard slog" and that same thought you have that I need to pace myself, take care of myself and maintain an even keel. One thing I try to do is laugh every day, at something the dogs are doing or my own pitiful efforts to make something in the house functional that my husband used to be in charge of. We laughed a lot when he was alive (well, there was quite a bit of yelling too I must confess but it was never boring not for a minute). Mary, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I won't presume to advise you, but what I am telling one of my girls who is having a hard time is that she should sign up as a volunteer for something, helping someone else is one way to take you out of your own head and give yourself a little break. 

Widow85 your being totally normal. Do something each day as best as you can. Be patient with your self and have compassion for yourself. There is no 1 size fits all. I'm sorry for your loss too! I'm 2 months in as of yesterday. I try not to dwell on it too much or I'll lose it. I try and remain in the here and now. I found a good book called the power of now by eckart tolle I got the audio version and listen to it when I'm alone.
Be good to yourself.

widow85, I too am 'as productive as the plant in my office'! What a wonderful description! How accurate!

I am 7 months now. I can't believe it. It was yesterday, wasn't it? Or was it a decade ago? How can it feel like both at the same time? Welcome to the twilight zone.

I finally ordered the marker...the marker. I thought I would feel some sense of accomplishment completing this sad task, but it broke my heart all over again. I took a whole week from work with a list as long as my arm...things I needed to do at home, paperwork, odds and ends, etc. Do you know ALL that I did was work on designing the marker? It absolutely wore me out. And what was most odd, is that that whole week just DRUG by. I felt like I had been swallowed in a pit of mud. 

This is the hardest work I've ever had to do...to grieve.

One more thought -- one of my daughters and I were listening to a radio talk by a linquist. He had immigrated to the U.S. with his family as a child, grew up speaking English, but his parents' language didn't have any subjunctive tense. So they literally couldn't say, "if only I would have done this, then that." Or "If could just do x, then y."  So we practiced just using past, present and future all day -- e.g. instead of "We should have left earlier," it was "I guess we'll be a little late." No "coulda, shoulda, woulda" all day long. No "what ifs." No "if only." Not quite living in the present, but a different way to think that keeps you facing forward. 

Hornet you took the words right out of my mouth.  It is almost seven months for me.  I too made a long list but haven't accomplished much.  It is tiring just getting one thing done.

I used to like to watch the twilight zone but never thought I'd be living in one.

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