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Don’t like Halloween. Kids come to my door dressed as me. Black cats get scared if I cross their path. When I was a kid I told my parents we need to get a scary dummy to sit on the porch and hold the candy bowl. They liked the idea so they made me sit on the porch and hold the candy bowl. I had an uncle that on every Halloween, he would only refer to me as “Pumpkin Head”. We lived in a neighborhood with a lot of old people on fixed incomes. Who gives out Rolaids, suppositories and Fixodent? It’s was ok though. Used the Fixodent to build model cars. We used to go into the local shops and they always had something good for us. Except for the time we went into the Jewelry store. We were dressed as burglars and the owner did see so well. We spent the rest of the night in jail. The local sheriff didn’t think it was funny.

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Well, another wonderful day at the gym. Looked like God’s waiting room. At first I thought I showed up at the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial auditions. There was one older woman killing it on the treadmill. She had that walker humming, let me tell you. Almost as good as the guy with the cane. I though it was going to be a place to meet people but the guys aren’t all there. I was waiting for a machine and when I asked the guy if he was done, he looked at his pants and said “ I don’t think I’ve started yet”. I moved on. The women scare me. They have better mustaches than me. The younger ones could beat me up so there is that. I’m not into that so…..My body fat percentage has dropped over 2% since starting. Or so my smart scale says. All these smart devices. Pretty sad when a scale is smarter that you. I wonder how smart it thinks it is living in the dumpster. Dropped about 13 lbs since I’ve started but I’m skeptical. My cat still thinks I’m a waterbed. Every time I sit down he climbs aboard and riggs for heavy seas.

Working on pickup lines. I’m over 30 years out of the dating scene. How’s this?

“Hi, I’m Mark. I’m short, bald, neurotic, live with two cats and have a last name no one can pronounce.”

“ Hi I’m Mark, I am very rich, in poor health and have no one to leave it to.”

“ What do you say we get out of here? I know a great little Metamucil bar that stays open til 8:00.”

“ By the way, what flavor of mace was that?”

“ Let me buy you a drink. It’s OK, I have an AARP discount card.”

”How would you like a ride in a Lamborghini?”
Then when she says yes......”I know where they let you test drive them.”

I tried out a new pick up line leaving the gym today.....for those keeping score....

“Let me start by saying that I’ve built up an immunity to mace so that keychain is useless.”

Turns out I haven’t and it’s not

With us seniors on a budget, can I get free vacation travel if I convert my money to the currency of the country I want to visit, then turn myself in as an immigrant from that country? Just don’t tell them you have a passport and come back when you’re ready.

LOL -- you sound like a funny guy, but just be yourself, alright?

Unfortunately...this actually is who I am.

Oh dear, you are a funny guy, but stop trying so hard. Women like a kind, sensitive guy --- just saying....

Good luck!


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