Please don't think me cruel for what you're about to read. It has been six months since my husband died and about two weeks ago my libido surged! I'm in my late 50's. First off, has anybody else had this? Is it okay to have sex during the first year or am I asking for trouble mentally?
No judgment here. One thing I learned very early in life is that sex can be for sex and that it doesn't have to be connected to love. I understand that all may not agree, but that is my opinion. I am sorry for your loss. Keep your head/heart in check.
Dear Yooper. Thank your u for you words. I kind of feel that way too. You must be from the U.P. ,hey!
This post is based on five years of reading or talking with widowed persons ( here at WV) with similar experiences such as yours- at least ones who shared their experiences. Not my experience! The vast majority who spoke of it had regret eventually. Somehow they felt they betrayed their own moral code in a moment of passion out of longing and need - the encounters were for the most part not premeditated or planned-they just happened and at the time were enjoyable. Some regretted because it put expectation on further contacts which they did not want. Some went on to it becoming a good permanent relationship of one kind or another. Some happened because alcohol consumption created a wanton state and they went amok sexually.
It will come down to your own evaluation of what you did and why. No one has any business praising or condemning your choices. It is your body, your mind and something you need to evaluate to determine what road you want to take from here on. If you see it as beneficial that's one idea but if you see it could become a slippery slope with you getting hurt or hurting/using someone for any reason you need to decide if you want that possibility as well. Many young people are much more casual about sex unlike older values of true fidelity that many older folks have in their minds and hearts.
What do you believe sex means to you now that you are widowed? Besides the longing and desire that still fills our minds and quickens our bodies with readiness, what do you think about your future, sexually? What is your personal behavior code? Are you guilt free and comfortable? Are you ready for the possible entanglement or the possible singularity of having casual sex? Are you prepared to be aware and careful for your own physical health (STD's) and emotional complications? It's a virtual Pandora's box. Search your heart and decide what you want for your own peace of mind and healing. Others( as I said ) may praise or condemn you since you asked for their experiences BUT they are on their own journeys and in honesty can not enter your heart or mind to know your truth. It is yours determine/decide. Sorry for your loss. You will work through all of this in time. lj ( This reply is too long but the topic is explosive. Lord knows the pain of losing one of the great validating pleasures of married life is fierce)
Amen and thank you!
I lost my husband 2.5 years ago. I was almost 36 when he died and now I am barely 38. He and I met in college and were very much in love the 15 years of our courtship. When he died, he took away everything- happiness, hopes, innocence, love and the desire for intimacy. Honestly, the entire 2.5 years, I do not think about it, want it , or have need at all. Just nothing as if libido has never been existed in my system. I guess his passing really did break my heart. I can only get close with a person I am totally in love with with and totally to share my life with. My hubby was the only one I have ever wanted. Can't say for the future but if he is gone, my desire is gone as well. Sometimes I even feel certain I might never, ever have that urge back.
No judgement of course. Physical need is the most basic human instinct. I think it is only your body craves for something it needs.
No one is a better judge whether you are asking for troubles. I think for the most part, yes it is a little risky but if you find a safe way to satisfy yourself then why not? Everyone is different. Good luck and I am, too, sorry about your loss.
I have no control over what my body tells me. Maybe it’s primal instinct telling me to mate but I’m well past child baring. It’s throwing me for a loop. Thanks for your thoughts and I’m sorry for your loss.
I agree with laurajay- it depends. I'm 65 and was a gleeful participant in the sexual revolution. I have many experiences of "just for fun" sex but I'm past that now. Even though my body is in great shape, I have a 65-year old face and the guys I see on the Singles sites aren't George Clooney lookalikes, either (and the few who come close are probably looking for much-younger arm candy).
I think it's going to take time to build any kind of relationship to the point that it becomes sexual because at this age, a lot of the attraction is between two brains- but I hope it happens. I'm sure I could find the "fun" type but after years of sex in the context of a trusting, loving relationship, I want more than just fun out of it.
You need to figure out your own motivations. Would you be OK with a night of great passion and not hearing from the guy again? Do you want something more? Is it just the cuddling and the intimacy you miss? You need to figure out your own motivations and expectations, but I wouldn't have ruled out a sexual relationship in the first year (I'm now 18 months out) if it were the right guy.
I don’t know what would be right for you, but do you know? Sometimes it is the intimacy that we miss more than the hormones. Grieving can be a confusing time, our emotions are all over the place! My suggestion is to wait a while or at least think this through rather than have regrets later on.
Yes, after reading all the comments I understand what to do. You’re all right. Waiting is the best medicine. I appreciate your comments!
Good girl. You can channel those hormones ( feelings) into something constructive that will not come back to harm or hurt you later on. Until there is respect and mutual caring you can wait...if it never comes again you still have the option of stretching out your view of loving until it blesses others and eliminates the urgency of basic instincts that if left to their own devices can take a stronghold on us as grieving widows and widowers. Hugs! lj
I enjoy reading these posts. My husband and I had a very active and satisfying sex life and I miss it alot. I've been in several grief groups and the topic of sex has only been brought up once- I think it should be talked about more often. I feel the 'urge' often and know that I'm not ready for a new partner. When talking about this with a male friend of mine, he asked,' Are you ready to be seen naked by a new man?' 'Are you ready to have a new tongue in your mouth?' I realized absolutely not. And I don't know if it's sex that I want, or intimacy, or cuddling, or any number of other things. So I'm going to wait until I'm really, really, really ready to get to know a new man.
shelly.... LOL naked at 70+ male or female is not gonna resemble 50 yrs earlier. Those of us married for decades and decades don't even entertain that thought without using our sense of humor. Not I! LOL I am more and more grateful to have had 44 yr+ with one man as my husband--- Rather than waiting until you are really really really ready....to get to know a man .lol.. I'd give thought to "after you do"... what will you tell yourself and how will you feel? I was loved and nourished in my marriage and have no desire for less with anyone else...ever. lj