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Please don't think me cruel for what you're about to read. It has been six months since my husband died and about two weeks ago my libido surged! I'm in my late 50's. First off, has anybody else had this? Is it okay to have sex during the first year or am I asking for trouble mentally? 

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No judgment here.  One thing I learned very early in life is that sex can be for sex and that it doesn't have to be connected to love.  I understand that all may not agree, but that is my opinion.  I am sorry for your loss.  Keep your head/heart in check.

Dear Yooper. Thank your u for you words. I kind of feel that way too. You must be from the U.P. ,hey!

This  post is  based  on five  years  of reading  or talking  with  widowed  persons  ( here at WV) with similar  experiences  such as yours- at least ones  who shared their experiences. Not  my experience!  The vast majority  who spoke of it had regret eventually.  Somehow  they felt  they betrayed  their  own moral code  in a moment  of passion  out of  longing   and need - the encounters  were  for  the most part   not  premeditated or planned-they  just  happened and at the time were enjoyable.  Some regretted  because it put  expectation on further  contacts  which they did  not  want.  Some went on to it becoming a good  permanent relationship  of one kind or another.  Some happened  because  alcohol  consumption  created  a wanton  state and they went amok sexually.

It will come  down to your  own  evaluation  of  what you did  and why.  No one  has  any business  praising  or condemning your  choices.  It  is your body, your mind  and  something  you  need to evaluate  to  determine  what   road you want  to take from here  on.  If you see it as beneficial that's one idea  but if  you see it could  become a  slippery  slope  with  you getting  hurt  or hurting/using  someone  for  any reason  you need to decide if  you want that possibility  as well.   Many young  people  are much more casual  about  sex unlike  older  values  of true fidelity that many  older folks  have in their minds and hearts.

What  do you believe  sex means  to you now  that you are  widowed?  Besides  the longing  and  desire  that still fills  our minds  and  quickens our bodies with readiness,  what  do  you think  about  your  future,  sexually?  What  is your personal  behavior  code?  Are  you  guilt  free and  comfortable?  Are you ready  for the possible  entanglement  or  the possible  singularity  of  having  casual sex?  Are  you prepared  to be  aware  and  careful  for your own physical  health  (STD's) and emotional complications?  It's  a  virtual  Pandora's  box.  Search  your  heart  and  decide  what you want  for your own peace of mind  and  healing.  Others( as  I said  ) may praise or  condemn  you  since  you asked for  their  experiences  BUT  they  are on  their  own journeys and in honesty  can not  enter your heart  or mind to know your  truth.  It is  yours determine/decide.   Sorry  for your loss.  You will work  through  all  of this in time.                     lj     ( This reply  is too long  but  the  topic  is explosive.  Lord  knows  the pain of losing one of  the great  validating  pleasures  of married  life  is fierce)  

Amen and thank you!

I lost my husband 2.5 years ago. I was almost 36 when he died and now I am barely 38. He and I met in college and were very much in love the 15 years of our courtship. When he died, he took away everything- happiness, hopes, innocence, love and the desire for intimacy. Honestly, the entire 2.5 years, I do not think about it, want it , or have need at all. Just nothing as if libido has never been existed in my system. I guess his passing really did break my heart. I can only get close with a person I am totally in love with with and totally to share my life with. My hubby was the only one I have ever wanted. Can't say for the future but if he is gone, my desire is gone as well. Sometimes I even feel certain I might never, ever have that urge back.

No judgement of course. Physical need is the most basic human instinct. I think it is only your body craves for something it needs.

No one is a better judge whether you are asking for troubles. I think for the most part, yes it is a little risky but if you find a safe way to satisfy yourself then why not? Everyone is different. Good luck and I am, too, sorry about your loss.

I have no control over what my body tells me. Maybe it’s primal instinct telling me to mate but I’m well past child baring. It’s throwing me for a loop. Thanks for your thoughts and I’m sorry for your loss.

I agree with laurajay- it depends. I'm 65 and was a gleeful participant in the sexual revolution.  I have many experiences of "just for fun" sex but I'm past that now.  Even though my body is in great shape, I have a 65-year old face and the guys I see on the Singles sites aren't George Clooney lookalikes, either (and the few who come close are probably looking for much-younger arm candy).  

I think it's going to take time to build any kind of relationship to the point that it becomes sexual because at this age, a lot of the attraction is between two brains- but I hope it happens.  I'm sure I could find the "fun" type but after years of sex in the context of a trusting, loving relationship, I want more than just fun out of it.

You need to figure out your own motivations. Would you be OK with a night of great passion and not hearing from the guy again?  Do you want something more?  Is it just the cuddling and the intimacy you miss?  You need to figure out your own motivations and expectations, but I wouldn't have ruled out a sexual relationship in the first year (I'm now 18 months out) if it were the right guy.


I don’t know what would be right for you, but do you know? Sometimes it is the intimacy that we miss more than the hormones. Grieving can be a confusing time, our emotions are all over the place!  My suggestion is to wait a while or at least think this through rather than have regrets later on. 

Yes, after reading all the comments I understand what to do. You’re all right. Waiting is the best medicine. I appreciate your comments!

Good  girl.   You can channel  those  hormones ( feelings) into something  constructive  that will not  come back to harm or hurt you later on.  Until  there is  respect  and mutual  caring  you can  wait...if it never comes again  you still have the option  of stretching   out  your  view  of loving  until  it blesses  others and  eliminates  the urgency  of  basic instincts  that  if left  to their own devices  can  take a stronghold on  us  as  grieving  widows  and widowers.     Hugs!       lj

I enjoy reading these posts.  My husband and I had a very active and satisfying sex life and I miss it alot.  I've been in several grief groups and the topic of sex has only been brought up once-  I think it should be talked about more often.  I feel the 'urge' often and know that I'm not ready for a new partner.  When talking about this with a male friend of mine, he asked,' Are you ready to be seen naked by a new man?'  'Are you ready to have a new tongue in your mouth?'  I realized absolutely not.  And I don't know if it's sex that I want, or intimacy, or cuddling, or any number of other things.  So I'm going to wait until I'm really, really, really ready to get to know a new man.   

shelly....  LOL  naked  at 70+  male or female  is not gonna  resemble  50 yrs  earlier.  Those  of us married for decades  and decades  don't  even entertain  that thought without  using  our sense of humor.   Not  I!  LOL   I am more  and more  grateful  to have had  44 yr+  with  one man  as my husband---   Rather  than waiting  until  you are really  really  really get  to know a man .lol.. I'd give thought  to "after you do"... what will you tell yourself  and how will you feel?  I was  loved  and  nourished  in my marriage and have no desire  for less with  anyone else...ever.                           lj


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