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Please don't think me cruel for what you're about to read. It has been six months since my husband died and about two weeks ago my libido surged! I'm in my late 50's. First off, has anybody else had this? Is it okay to have sex during the first year or am I asking for trouble mentally? 

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athena53  Long term  caregivers  certainly  have  a different  perspective from the standpoint  of built  in celibacy  due  to illness  on the part  of their spouse before they died.  But  as Patty posted her inquiry- at   six months  it seems to be a consensus that a lot of thought  about the matter should  take place  first to avoid  getting  hurt.

Maybe  in your  schooling./travels  you will meet  an eligible, clever  cabana  boy?  or  a charismatic  canon  or other  available  clergyman? if that's the  answer for you.   I was  kinda  marathon  watching  Amazon  Prime last couple of weeks and when you mentioned  "sweaty  roll...with  a passionate  man"  my mind  jumped  to Hugh Laurie.  I think  I  need  to go  back to documentaries.   LOL

 

laurajay, I'm not looking for a cabana boy!  (I'm sure you were joking about that one.)  As I said, I have pretty exacting standards if I were to get into another physical relationship and I want it to be with someone mature who can stand on his own two feet emotionally and financially.   Interesting you mentioned clergy- don't know if you saw my post on another subject here about Match,com.  One guy my age is an Episcopal priest who's been separated form his wife for 6 years- they're still married due to "family reasons", which I suspect means that it's to keep her and the kids on his health insurance.  Not going there!   Too bad- other than that giant obstacle (and the fact that clergy in mainstream religions are poorly-paid and tend to move around a lot) that we probably have a lot in common.

 

I mentioned  the "canon"  lol  because  I thought    I'd  read you  were  studying  for lay ministry  or such in the  Episcopal  Church?  No, you do not  want  any  close  relationship  with  married  clergy.  Our denomination has gotten quite  liberal  these days  but I think  marriage  vows  still include  fidelity.  I assume  you are  financially independent so  salary would not be a great  concern  if  he ( new  man) was  too.   Recently  found  out  a woman in  my group  when  I  made  my Cursillo  years  ago died last Nov.  Her  husband  is  an ordained  priest  in Episcopal church  locally . Very  sad.  Lots of death. Off  topic,  made my first  trip  to Hawaii when I was unmarried.  Traveled alone  for two  weeks  there and  was  never  alone or  awkward   LOL.  Met  people and  made  memories  I still hold  as magical. So glad  we  traveled early  in our marriage  as well.  Would not  able physically  to do it  now.  Be grateful you still can.  For me 70  was the turning point...  too much  off topic  information  in thispost.  sorry  Patty...      lj

Yes- I am studying for a Lay Preaching License in the Episcopal Church and I agree with you that even in liberal circles most people would not approve of a still-legally-married priest in a relationship with another woman.

To get back a little towards the OT- I'd love to have another intimate relationship but am wary of having to "kiss a few toads" before finding the right guy. 

Patty, thank you for starting this subject. That is so normal! And if it isn't,, there's at least two of us. (said jokingly since we all know there's no right or wrong way to grieve) My sweetie and I didn't have sex for the last ten years he was alive due to his health problems. My libido eventually subsided. In July it will be two years since he died. About six or eight months after he died, I felt the same thing. I was sort of amazed at the intensity. But, like all the other emotions and feelings that I had been letting in, I accepted them and honored them. And masturbated.

I agree with what other people have said here; much of what we are missing and wanting is the intimacy with that specific person. But part of it is just physical. 

I'm 61 and after 33 years with the same person, I have a hard time thinking about dating and sex with someone new and maybe falling in love again. It sounds like so much work these days and I am still tired much of the time. But I am open to this changing in the future. 

IamTheStorm, I am so extremely impressed that you talked about masturbation.  Really,  Really, Really.  I brought up the subject of sex in one grief group (only women) and the response was silence.  I brought it up to another grief group (senior widows) and one woman cried and shouted out, 'Yes, why is no one talking about this.  For the past 1.5 years I have been unable to talk to anyone about this.  My husband was so sorry that he could not...'  It was so sad.  Why are death and sex to difficult to talk about?  I also masturbate since my husband's death.  Sort of pisses me off.  Thought I was done with that.  But whether it's hormones or anxiety or nervous energy or who knows what else-  the urge is there and exactly as you expressed,  I accepted the feelings and honored them.  Thank you, IamTheStorm.  Really.      

Some  topics  are very  personal  and private...sex...death...money.. religion/faith....perhaps  because  beliefs  and views  run the whole  length  of  the spectrum in those  areas  and many  believe  as they do  with  no desire  to enter  into conversation  that creates  disharmony or disagreement.  Grieving  is a shared  experience.  But  I respect  that many,  including myself,  have  neither  desire  nor need  to share  with strangers  our  inner  thoughts  of mind  and  heart  in other  areas/topics.  So many contributing  factors  and such a huge variance in  beliefs  and  practices.  What  I consider sacred  I reserve as mine  to keep private.  Again,  what   is right  for each person  is their  decision.

I honor your privacy, laurajay.  I am someone who benefits from sharing it all.  

I also appreciate IamTheStorm's honesty.  It's really sad that our society prefers that people who don't look like porn stars not talk about their sexual urges.

Appliances are sold to relieve sexual urges ...

As for "is it okay to have sex during the first year?" It depends on how its accomplished combined w/your morals, values & ethics. Simply said, no one needs permission to betray or change themself. Only you can make that decision for yourself as well as all others when learning to care for yourself the best way possible ...

If allowed, widowhood can regrettably break one's own personal standards/modus operandi regardless of age ...

Take care ...

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