Please don't think me cruel for what you're about to read. It has been six months since my husband died and about two weeks ago my libido surged! I'm in my late 50's. First off, has anybody else had this? Is it okay to have sex during the first year or am I asking for trouble mentally?
athena53 Long term caregivers certainly have a different perspective from the standpoint of built in celibacy due to illness on the part of their spouse before they died. But as Patty posted her inquiry- at six months it seems to be a consensus that a lot of thought about the matter should take place first to avoid getting hurt.
Maybe in your schooling./travels you will meet an eligible, clever cabana boy? or a charismatic canon or other available clergyman? if that's the answer for you. I was kinda marathon watching Amazon Prime last couple of weeks and when you mentioned "sweaty roll...with a passionate man" my mind jumped to Hugh Laurie. I think I need to go back to documentaries. LOL
laurajay, I'm not looking for a cabana boy! (I'm sure you were joking about that one.) As I said, I have pretty exacting standards if I were to get into another physical relationship and I want it to be with someone mature who can stand on his own two feet emotionally and financially. Interesting you mentioned clergy- don't know if you saw my post on another subject here about Match,com. One guy my age is an Episcopal priest who's been separated form his wife for 6 years- they're still married due to "family reasons", which I suspect means that it's to keep her and the kids on his health insurance. Not going there! Too bad- other than that giant obstacle (and the fact that clergy in mainstream religions are poorly-paid and tend to move around a lot) that we probably have a lot in common.
I mentioned the "canon" lol because I thought I'd read you were studying for lay ministry or such in the Episcopal Church? No, you do not want any close relationship with married clergy. Our denomination has gotten quite liberal these days but I think marriage vows still include fidelity. I assume you are financially independent so salary would not be a great concern if he ( new man) was too. Recently found out a woman in my group when I made my Cursillo years ago died last Nov. Her husband is an ordained priest in Episcopal church locally . Very sad. Lots of death. Off topic, made my first trip to Hawaii when I was unmarried. Traveled alone for two weeks there and was never alone or awkward LOL. Met people and made memories I still hold as magical. So glad we traveled early in our marriage as well. Would not able physically to do it now. Be grateful you still can. For me 70 was the turning point... too much off topic information in thispost. sorry Patty... lj
Yes- I am studying for a Lay Preaching License in the Episcopal Church and I agree with you that even in liberal circles most people would not approve of a still-legally-married priest in a relationship with another woman.
To get back a little towards the OT- I'd love to have another intimate relationship but am wary of having to "kiss a few toads" before finding the right guy.
Patty, thank you for starting this subject. That is so normal! And if it isn't,, there's at least two of us. (said jokingly since we all know there's no right or wrong way to grieve) My sweetie and I didn't have sex for the last ten years he was alive due to his health problems. My libido eventually subsided. In July it will be two years since he died. About six or eight months after he died, I felt the same thing. I was sort of amazed at the intensity. But, like all the other emotions and feelings that I had been letting in, I accepted them and honored them. And masturbated.
I agree with what other people have said here; much of what we are missing and wanting is the intimacy with that specific person. But part of it is just physical.
I'm 61 and after 33 years with the same person, I have a hard time thinking about dating and sex with someone new and maybe falling in love again. It sounds like so much work these days and I am still tired much of the time. But I am open to this changing in the future.
IamTheStorm, I am so extremely impressed that you talked about masturbation. Really, Really, Really. I brought up the subject of sex in one grief group (only women) and the response was silence. I brought it up to another grief group (senior widows) and one woman cried and shouted out, 'Yes, why is no one talking about this. For the past 1.5 years I have been unable to talk to anyone about this. My husband was so sorry that he could not...' It was so sad. Why are death and sex to difficult to talk about? I also masturbate since my husband's death. Sort of pisses me off. Thought I was done with that. But whether it's hormones or anxiety or nervous energy or who knows what else- the urge is there and exactly as you expressed, I accepted the feelings and honored them. Thank you, IamTheStorm. Really.
Some topics are very personal and private...sex...death...money.. religion/faith....perhaps because beliefs and views run the whole length of the spectrum in those areas and many believe as they do with no desire to enter into conversation that creates disharmony or disagreement. Grieving is a shared experience. But I respect that many, including myself, have neither desire nor need to share with strangers our inner thoughts of mind and heart in other areas/topics. So many contributing factors and such a huge variance in beliefs and practices. What I consider sacred I reserve as mine to keep private. Again, what is right for each person is their decision.
I honor your privacy, laurajay. I am someone who benefits from sharing it all.
I also appreciate IamTheStorm's honesty. It's really sad that our society prefers that people who don't look like porn stars not talk about their sexual urges.
Appliances are sold to relieve sexual urges ...
As for "is it okay to have sex during the first year?" It depends on how its accomplished combined w/your morals, values & ethics. Simply said, no one needs permission to betray or change themself. Only you can make that decision for yourself as well as all others when learning to care for yourself the best way possible ...
If allowed, widowhood can regrettably break one's own personal standards/modus operandi regardless of age ...
Take care ...