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   How do I know if I'm recovering, In Denial, In some kind of a fog or what ? It's like this, some days I feel O.K. :-)  Then I have sad day... So how do I know where I stand now? Is that back and forth feeling normal? ( Meaning, happy one day, and sad the next day. ) 

Thanks for any help.


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Unfortunately Susan, grief is not a linear thing. There are many ups and downs, many back and forths. You just have to feel these feelings for as long as it takes. I can only describe what I remember--the first couple years were rough. I cried much of the first two years with just an occasional better day. By the third year, my emotions began leveling but I still was on the rollercoaster. I knew I was on the way to healing but not quite there yet. It was in my fifth year that I felt clarity return and a feeling of lightness. My grief had shifted and no longer blocked my path--it's been pushed aside, I can move forward. The pain still exists but it is subdued and manageable--it no longer controls me.

I don't know how long it has been for you but if I learned anything, patience is really important! Some people get through this process a little faster, but again, it takes as long as it takes. You will know when you've made it through, I believe we come to accept it and find that inner peace.

Hi Callie,

   Paul passed on Dec. 7, 2016... ( You said you didn't know how long it's been for me .) ... The crying seems to slowed down a little, But it still comes at the oddest time. It will be nice when it becomes manageable. 

Thank You for your reply,


Hi Sissy,

What you describe is perfectly "normal" for what you (we) are going through.  I have no idea how long we go through this.  I know it depends upon the individual, and many add to that comment that it also depends upon the quality/intensity of your love was.  I can tell you that the gut wrenching can't breath pain gradually subsides (becomes softer) over time.  Trying to duck it, or side step it does not work (it comes back and bites ya in the butt).  We each have to "wade" straight through it and meet it head on.   The "fog" is normal.  I think it is part of our self defense to such an emotional blow to our whole being.  We Susan passed, I was in a fog, and it seems it was for a little over a year.  We get our bill for our land taxes in January, and our custom was that we would pay half in January when it arrived and then pay the other half in June.  I walked in, in August and spoke to the county Treasurer, saying that I was not sure if I'd paid the second half and she looked it up.  "I'm sorry Frank, you did not pay the first half yet." I explained that my wife had passed in December, and that I'd thought I had. I wrote the check for the full amount, got a hug!, and left convinced that I must have been in that fog they all talk about after all.

Keep writing. Keep talking. IT does get softer and it is easier to move on through the days.



Hi Frank,

   I'm glad yo said it was normal. Normal is good.  ... :-)  The Fog sounds like a good thing....

Thanks for the reply,


Hi Susan, I've asked myself the very same questions. I think that the fluctuations in feelings are normal and necessary. It has been 17 months since my husband passed and sometimes I even have more than one day ina row where I feel almost normal, then I'm suddenly blindsided again. I also find now that my feelings are easier to hurt now. Can you relate to that too? I just saw how relatively recent it has been for you and the fog is normal too, in fact some of the worst parts immediately afterward, say the first three months are cloudy in my memory a bit. I think it's a protective measure our psychs take to help us bear it.

Hi Dianthus,

   I have been fine until I see something that brings up painful memories. Beautiful and painful at the same time.  Last night I was able to watch the " Tribute To Paul " which the Funeral Home made for me without crying. A very touching DVD. 

   Sometimes I think that I'm not feeling better, but I can cope with it a tad bit easier because I knew he was slowly passing away since 2015. There is a name for that, I just can't think of it right now.

   That wonderful fog ! Just imagine how painful life would be without it. I am starting to think of it as a BUFFER for the heart and mind.



Hi Susan,

I think the term for the knowing that someone you love has a mortal illness is " Anticipatory grief". I'm not sure but I think that's it. Im glad for your sake that some of the acute pain is under control and I also believe the " fog" is a protective thing to keep us from losing it altogether. Like the numbing shock of a sudden serious injury. I'm going to check out some self help literature on becoming a widow. It was recommended and book addict that I am, I hadn't thought of it. The more validation we get for the roller coaster of feelings were experiencing the better I think. Here we get validation too like nowhere else in my experience yet.

HI Dianthus!

   Your right, that is the term. ( Anticipatory Grief )   If the " fog " is a protective thing, I guess I should be happy about it. 

   So your a book addict also :-) I just finished an Audio Book called " When The Lights Went Out " ...

   Complete with a little Romance, Lots of Mystery and a beautiful snooty woman to hate LOL ... It was good. ( Not heavy reading... I don't think I could handle heavy right now.)  ... Now my big point... I listened to it on OverDrive on my Ipad. When I listen to a story, it's a voice to listen to. Like I'm not alone.   I know that sounds weird, but it helps me. ... If you ever read something that you think I may like, please let me know.... I can't find anything that would be considered self help for a widow.




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