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Hi!

    My guess is that everyone here feels as " Half Of A Person / Couple  ".  Paul made up the other half of me. ... Am I now alone ? I hate being alone. ... What have you done to make yourself a bit more whole?  Please tell me... Maybe I can try what you have. 

Susan 

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Hi Sissy, I totally understand how it's like half of your core being has been ripped out. Trying to become whole has been a huge challenge. Actually one thing I did, you also did, we came here and found understanding like nowhere else. That's been very good for me and here we get full validation on our feelings. I reintroduced pets into my life too. It still feels like I'm not whole but some hollowness has been resolved. I hope you can find some thing in your life that can bring joy, it's such an individual journey which in itself feels foreign. Not sure if this was helpful,

Hi Dianthus,

   Yes, coming here was a good move. People actually understand some of the things I feel.  Of course your reply was helpful.  To me, a reply means, "  Someone understands where i'm coming from. " . :-)

Susan

Thanks Susan, it's the level of understanding we all have here that creates a bond I think. I'm glad to listen and share what little I know.
Susan:  
I wrote this in my journal almost two years ago and called it "Finding the Me after the We"  I hope it is marginally helpful.  The reality is you rebuild from the ashes and try to integrate your memories of your loved one into yourself.
One of the most challenging but most rewarding aspects of my continuing journey was rediscovering myself after having been part of a couple for a long period of time.  During my relationship and marriage I was half of a whole, an integral part of the team.  I married in my thirties and had my own career so I thought of myself as a pretty independent sort. Ha ha, the joke was on me.  You don't realize how much you come to depend on your significant other until you no longer have them.  I didn't question myself or my worth while my husband was alive.  I knew that he loved and approved of me and that gave me the strength to face any obstacle that was thrown my way.  When I lost him, I lost that support system and it was dreadfully difficult to face being me, by myself, alone and singular.  You see I didn't have to care for myself, like myself or approve of myself when he was alive.  He did that for me.
I was pretty miserable, despondent and unmotivated after his death.  I looked at myself and I didn't like what I saw.  Where was that confidant, self assured woman that I used to be?  It felt like I had cremated her when I cremated him.  I realized that if I had to live by myself and with myself, I had to at least like myself.  So per my norm, I started by sitting down and creating a plan and a list.  I listed everything I used to like about myself, my brains, my humor, my legs, etc... And then I created a plan about how to go about rediscovering them.  I also made the decision to try to take on some new things to like.  I was always cautious, I wanted to be more adventurous, I made the decision to push my envelope.  I did this in very simple ways, went to a cooking class, trained for a 5K,went out to eat a restaurant by myself. Through small baby steps, I rediscovered myself and learned to like the person I was again.  Not through my husband's eyes but through my own.  I am still a work in progress but I am O.K with that.  In fact, I like that about me.  Being just me is fine and good enough.
Val

Hi Val,

    I loved your post! You write so well, :-) You said several things I would love to say if only knew how to phrase them. But you did it for me :-) Thank You!

Making a list of things I liked about me THEN, and how I can be way that again, alone, sounds like a good start.

   Thank You for your reply. It mean a lot.

Susan

Hi Val, I like your post too! I've never thought of making a list like that. Your ideas are excellent!
I do not consider taking a cooking class, training for a 5K or eating in a restaurant to be "baby steps." You're amazing!! I admire your courage.

This advice is spot-on.

Six years ago, I felt like the remaining half of a tree that had been struck by lightning and just waited for my side to fall over--but it didn't. I finally got out and tried different things. Some worked; others didn't. Just be patient with yourself when things do go as expected.

I also had to learn how to be "single" again after a thirty-five year relationship, and to trust myself to make the right decisions. I haven't been 100 per cent there, but I have learned from my mistakes.

Hi Susan,

I am struggling with that question as well. I don't know how to be just me any longer....and frankly I don't want to yet. Today as I was driving home after running errands, I had the thought "I don't fit". I don't feel like I fit anywhere now...like I no longer have a place in this world without him...without "us". I don't know how to "be" without him. I know it will take time and effort on my part. But for the life of me I cannot fathom how I might ever feel whole again. All I know to say is that I understand.

Averysmom (Jackie)

Hi Jackie,

   I keep asking myself that, but I get the same answer every time. " I have no idea. "...  Read the Post from JRVAL above. It's making me think. One thing she said to do , is to make lists.  Lists what you do like about yourself and what you don't like. And work on it.

   I think we have to MAKE a place for ourselves again. Make ourselves fit into the worlds again. I just have to stop and think HOW will I do that?  So that's where I am right now.  If we were all teenagers, I don't think any of us would have a single problem. Teens make themselves known, Make their points known. They don't care what others think. ( or so it seems )  I need that carefree  lifestyle. But how do I get it ? 

Susan

Hi Jackie

I get it, after Doug died, I had so much energy, I accomplished so many things.  I got out there, joined groups.  Met no one (friends) as I don't fit any where, too young to be a widow, not part of middle aged married people, joined a singles group of bitter divorced people.  I had to come to the conclusion I don't fit any where & maybe I never will.  

Now at 4 yrs the energy is gone.  The desire to do something is gone, If I do vacuum or don't, who cares?

Had to go for a cancer test this morning.  I hate medical things, I took my atavan & got thru it.  Whether it comes back positive or negative. who cares.  I pray I just don't have to live too long like this.

Summer is here & it just seems like an annoyance, now I have to mow, rake etc.  At least winter is just shovel, go inside & watch TV.  Now I have to listen to people go on how nice it is & they are going to the lake with their family.  vacationing with their family.  I am finding it very hard to pretend these days.  I just feel worn down & done.

I sing anywhere, anytime. Sometimes I cry my eyes out afterwards, but it helps me get in touch with my feelings. I've been feeling quite numb and disconnected lately and singing helps me reconnect with something I love, music. My cats like it, it makes me feel better, and I could care less if people think I'm nuts, because I just don't care what people think anymore! What a liberating feeling.  In general, folks seem to like it, and it's much cheaper than therapy!

Thank you for posting this, I'm sorry we all have to be here, but it's a good place and I'm grateful WV exists. Wishing us all a little peace and hope today. 

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