I looked on your profile & saw your husband passed away October 2016. That is only 5 months ago. Do not let anyone tell you to "get over it" or "move on". Even after two it's hard. The best way I read was the volume just gets turned down as time passes. You are still in the full blast time.
My husband passed suddenly May 2013. One of the hardest places was to go to church. I went after 2 weeks a few times, then had to stop. The staring, stupid questions and comments got too much. I got panic attacks, which I had never had before in my life. They are still not totally gone yet. I know ladies who found the first year the hardest, some never wanted to leave the house, Some couldn't stand being in the house.
When I was ready I went on Meetup.com (not a dating a site) & tried to find groups I could join. It took a few, then a man started a widow/widowers group. It was the best. It is for moving forward with people who understand. Not a grief group.
Does your church offer a grief support class? I met nice ladies their. The "class" wasn't great, but it was the meeting people, talking after knowing people are going thru the same things. Especially when I thought I was going crazy. I couldn't concentrate, remember things so frustrating.
Working out of the home makes things hard. Tough when you are feeling good to get up & get to work. For me I, I made myself check off at least one thing off the to-do list everyday. Then a couple weeks later two things.
I really feel for you. It is so hard doing this pain by ourselves.
I'm so sorry you have decided that you will never be able to move on. I lost my husband 02/26/17, and I know I will be able to move on eventually. There are nights I cry and don't think life is worth living without him. I cry a lot, lots of days I don't even want to get out of bed. And yes, I hate to admit hate has made a brief appearance in my life. I haven't even gone to the grocery store. I've been to 2 Hospice Bereavement meetings and to a couple of appointments with estate attorney. I went to one social dinner with my ladies' club on Friday and today I went to church. I don't have a job to go to... yet. We were married 24 years, it's going to be rough, but I can do it AND YOU WILL TOO.
I don't have an answer. I am 9 months out. I can say this: "Longer than you think, but not forever."
This was helpful:
I was married for nearly 28 years. It's been nearly 5 years for me. At about 7 or 8 months I stopped worrying so much about the future. Things are going well these days, but it did take time. It is still so hard to believe that Cindy is gone. My son has graduated from college. My daughter has also graduated from college and has gotten married. We are doing well as a family, so grateful for that! Sending good thoughts your way. One day at a time.
Crying, staying in bed & skipping out on church are normal. There were times I lay in bed too weak to get up - wishing I had a colostomy bag. I had to make myself fall off the bed to crawl to the bathroom - it was irritating to have to deal w/yet another body function! It was a very hard time especially when the only light I saw at the end of the tunnel was an oncoming train. You'll find commonalities w/other widows here even though everyone grieves differently yet the same.
Its also normal to add more to your list of "no can do". I was often angry & belittling of myself for not being able to perform simple tasks or forgetting what I was about to do, losing my keys only to find them in the freezer, not recognizing my own neighborhood, not remembering when I showered last, then doing it & immediately going back to bed. Eventually, I started simplifying my life by reducing my responsibilities & obligations to use what little energy I had to focus on more important things like the kids, counseling, grief & take out food. The house did become a nightmare for sometime as well as the mail piling up, but those unimportant things were taken care of in due time.
These things happen when your life is shattered - complete devastation renders a person almost non-functional. It changes when you are ready to take baby steps toward recovery - however long it takes. Be patient & caring w/yourself. Grief changes & is the natural process in coming to terms w/loss & the many changes ahead.